no

Published February 3, 2016 by crystalights

sbnrnya isu utama smlm is that there is not enough number of trainers.

tp sbnrnya aku mmg tgh dlm process nk dptkn trainers even bfore ysterday. cuma masih belum ckup bilangànnya. & aku blum dpt confirmation dr org2 lain sbb dorg pn bsy or tak respon. & aku pn bsy dgn krja aku yg lain & krja org lain yg aku kena assist yg due on d same day. jd aku blum habis confirm pun lg bilangan trainers. tiba2 kena masuk meeting yg di expect aku bg berita bhw trainers dh cukup.

hakikatnya tetap sama: tak ckup org, i need time.

pas tu bila aku tk dpt bg confirmation bilngn org yg aku dpt dr dffrnt pple (sbb aku x sempat confirm dia dh pnggil mting, & masa panggil tu tk ckp pun nk talk abt this thing) masa tu mmg all hell broke loose la.
and i am on the receiving end.

so aku rasa, kalo aku buat PhD atau rsearch atau lain2, aku tk kn buat undr thm kot.
tk berbaloi nk contribute buah fikiran aku long-term kt tmpat mcm ni.

don’t know

Published February 2, 2016 by crystalights

i was holding back the tears as i walked out of that room

tapi bila smpai cubicle & duduk last2 xdpt nk tahan.

bcause wht i’m being blamed for is the exact thing that i was in d middle of processing.. sbnrnya aku blum habis lg uruskn, tiba2 sruh aku attend meeting where pple expect me to hav d right answers & tht everything is done & mncukupi.

mmg x la.

xmgkin.

baru minggu lepas dpt kenalpasti sape dlm team (tu pun ade lg yg aku xpasti sejauh mana boleh di includekn).

sbnrnya, nk gerakkn 1st planning pun mcm2 interruption.
pas tu undefined group/committee members & roles.
pas tu no authority for decisions, smua kena refer balik kt satu2nya decision-maker. jd byk bnda sangkut2.
pas tu higher positioned members kdg2 xde dlm pjumpaan sbb busy, & yg ada pn mcm x membawa manfaat sgt (instructions brtmbah tp xmenyelesaikn mslh pun. malah menambah beban). ada yg x bagi input lgsung pdhal bjwatn tinggi. wlwpn dia bukn dlm team tp spatutnya dia lbih tahu apa yg diprlukan.

smua bnda ni akhirnya memuncak & mnyebabkn ada kekurngan yg happen.

pas tu last skali org yg kena blame adalah aku.

i don’t know what to say

today

Published January 28, 2016 by crystalights

i didn’t go to work today.
was on MC.

mcm biasela bila sakit, smua bnda pun snang je nk rasa upset.

tp aku cuba buat rilek2 sbb jadi org sedih ni memenatkan, especially bila kita tgh xsihat.

so aku xdrive harini sbb hsemate kata hospital tu susah parking, nnt lmbat. so nk cpt punye pasal, aku naik teksi.

i hav high expectations on ths hospital sbb dia bukan wholly government owned (bleh nmpak my scepticism in anything government-related).

anyway, aku rse kaunter kt dpn dh cpt, tp bila dia assign aku punye consultation dgn Dr, ntah kenape that particular room jd lmbat compared to other Dr’s rooms.

rasa mcm pelik.

skali rupa2nya, Dr yg check aku tu sedang di monitor oleh Dr lain. jd smbil dia check smua patient, dia sedang di check & di tutor oleh seorg Dr senior yg byk sgt huraian psl everything. smua bnda nk explain. pas tu nk soal jawab ngn Dr tu padahal Dr tu tgh check aku. pas tu sruh aku tggu kjap smntara dia nk abeskn cakap.

i mean. i get that it’s probably 1 of those “learning hospital” concept or whatever (wlwpn aku rse sbnrnya bukan, sbnrnya ko saje nk ajar beriya sbb nk protect ur racial interests), but srsly, patient tgh rmai kat luar, kalo ko nk explain everything ko cepat sikitla. xkan nk tggu smpai org emotional breakdown kat luar kot mnunggu ko explain everything.

adoi.

ni aku rse mcm inappropriate time nk explain everything. u shud do that in a lecture room whn u teach kot. atau do it as u make ur rounds in the ward. bukan kt klinik yg org tgh rmai & sakit.

i jst rolled my eyes & focused on talking to the Dr who’s treating me. pas tu bila aku tnjuk lozenge yg aku mkn Dr yg tgh monitor tu bleh tnya plak mcmane aku bleh tau nk bli tht type (like is it that impossible tht some non-medical pple actually understand non-inflammatory lozenge can be taken for sore throat?). ntahla.
i jst said my friend is a pharmacist & she gave me ths fr my sore throat.

anyway.

balik tu lapar. beli mcm kebab ayam yg small. tapi xsgka ayam dia cedok dlm bekas sikit je mcm beberapa cubit je (siap ada serpihan2 ayam yg kecik). like srsly. hrga dia xkena ngn portion dia. so aku ckp ngn dia “the chicken is too little”.
pas tu dia jst snyum & buat muka selamba mcm “this is life”.

bila balik tu aku tggu bas. agk lama la jgk (sbb mula2 aku trsalah, aku pi tggu bas lain. aftr texting my frns baru find out mana yg btul). mkcik kt bas tu pun tggu, tp bila dia smpai dia mmg dh tlepas d prvious bas, jd bila dia dtg dia kena tggu lama fr d next one. dia ckp “krajaan sruh kita naik public transport, tapi public transport x efficient”. pas tu aku jst angguk gitu2 je la.
i’m not sure, btul ke gov sruh naik public transport?
dlm hati aku kata: org yg sruh naik public transport tu x naik pun public transport.

aku rse, byk jgk golongn bkuasa yg mcm tu. sruh org buat smthg yg dia sendiri x rasai. bukan mcm zmn Umar r.a. dulu. mkn daging pun dia x mahu bila tahu masih ada rkyat yg x ckup mkan/ ikat perut.

we live in a different kind of world kot.

suruh suruh suruh

tapi x tahu, x rasa, x faham wht it’s like. sruh org buat something dgn diri sndiri yg buat something, dia xkan sama.

mcm bila kita suruh org masak, kita mgkn nmpak masak tu shj. tp dia kena beli barang, prepare bahan, masak, then clean up.

sama mcm bila kita sruh org tulis buku. kita mgkn nmpak: ada konsep trus tulis je la, senang. tp dia yg nk tulis tu kena baca dulu, study, kaji, cari sumber yg sahih & pertimbangkan mana yg baik, mana yg boleh. lepas siap tulis dia kena ada proper citation mngikut format yg dipersetujui. sometimes bacaan permulaan tu shj ambil masa berminggu, bukan boleh siap dlm tempoh 2-3hari. & wlwpn ada team yg kena bg input, tp smtimes bnda2 mcm tu lg take more time sbb nk includekn & synchronize kn input dr smua org.

bukan jst buka mulut, bgtau itu ini smua trus boleh siap segera. sedangkan task2 sblm tu pun masih perlukn perhatian & stil in progress.

unless kalo kita bleh tulis whatever trash (atau buku novel cinta picisan) & xperlu memenuhi standard yg tinggi yg memuaskn hati pihak authority.

mgkn smtimes kita x sedar ada org yg bite off more than other pple can chew. other pple being the pple underneath yg waiting for d crumbs.

ok.

dah.

malas nk ckp psl ni.

entah.

Published January 27, 2016 by crystalights

i got sick last night.

can barely drive home.

tp drive jugakla. sbb xsuka org lain drivekan my car (sbb dia sensitif sikit. mesti tahu handle with care).

pas tu smpai umah uruskn diri etc2, trus tidur. mase nk tido tu hsemates pun pelik nape tido earlier than usual (slalu tido pkul 12 lbih or pkul 1 cam tu) pas tu aku ckp aku demam.

pas tu dia ckp esok MC & rehat.

pas tu aku ckp kalo dh ok aku kena pegi krja (sbb smtimes bukn snang dpt MC bila dmam kita dh brkurangan. wlwpn kita rasa x larat. tp kalo temperature kata kita dlm range yg acceptable, last2 bleh jd no MC. wlwpn kita rasa mcm separuh mati nak dtg krja).

anyway.

guess wht.

harini aku follow instructions, tgh tmbah content proposal pas tu aku dpt arahan kena siapkn editing utk asean. pas tu tgh editing, dpt instruction buat proposal baru utk state lain.

xpasti mane 1 shud go first, tp i’m just going with asean first la kot.

ntahla.

tibe-tibe aku terfikir. kalo aku MC tday, sape yg nk buat smua tu?

jumbled up inside

Published January 21, 2016 by crystalights

alhamdulillah. td sempat send in my 2nd proposal. & my summary of the blueprint.

& then they gave me d rsearch review tht someone else ws prvsly working on. telling me to do something with it.
pas tu bila aku tgok aku rse mcm ths could take a while. sbb agak berterabur jgkla. i’m not sure wht happened. tp mgkn ada byk factors jgk yg mnyebabkn paper tu jd mcm tu, so xpela. i’m supposed to do smthg to fix it. & find the deeper literature behind the findings.

anyway.

my back kinda hurts.

& td kitorg celebrate brthday someone at d office. the work team is nice. & funny. jst sometimes mcm awkward moment sikit bila ada client dtg pas tu aku malu nk ambik mkanan sbb rmai lelaki dlm ruang yg agak kecil kt couch dpn, pas tu dlm team aku prmpuan ada dua org je selain aku, tp sorg pegi meeting. so tinggal sorg je lg yg sit in our room. pastu bila P.A. bos sruh ambik mkanan aku segan sgt sbb mknn2 tu smua kt dpn clients tu pas tu aku ajak kwn yg lg 1 tu, tp dia mcm x brape nak.

not sure why 😅

xpela.

at least there are other girls dlm team lain. cumanya pas aku ambik mknn aku trus bawak ke bilik kitorg. dh.

abes cerita.

aku malu bila client lelaki rmai2 sbb aku tawu ada yg mcm dh trbiase ngn foreign style punya gathering etc2 nnt jd mcm kita kena make conversation smbil mkn & look like we care & smtimes meleret2. i’m jst too exhausted for that. (hahaha. jahat x).

jst malas. xnak pjg2.

itupun smtimes rasa bsalah jgk dgn team sndiri yg ada lelaki2 jgk.

i jst feel, for myself i feel like it’s not nice bila berpanjang-panjangan dgn lelaki utk prbualan2 yg xpenting pun. lbih2 lg skrg kn zmn fitnah. kdg2 aku rse bsalah bila tiba2 find myslf lost in that kind of conversation unconsciously. pas tu bila sedar smtimes aku slowly back off supaya dpt dihentikn dgn baik. cuma kenkadang trlepas jgk dr kwalan. smtimes i didn’t really do a good job of taking care of it anyway.
astaghfirullahalazim.

smoga Allah jaga smua hati2 kita selagi kita masih ada iman. amin.

today

Published January 21, 2016 by crystalights

we had to stay back today, had our late meeting.

i’m on my way back home. stuck in traffic. because i took the wrong road.

because i got too distracted with my thoughts tht i frgot my way home.

ok. skrg rasa penat sgt. pas tu stuck kt jln raya.

mcm sedih pulak. partly psl td mse nk pegi pickup food mse clebration tu kot.
ntahla.
patutnya xpyh pikir sgt psl tu kn, sbb ada lg bnda2 lain yg happy, kn. xkisahla.

at least i get to do wht i like now. & there are other pple i cn be friends with jgk kot. insyaAllah smoga lepas ni dpt be friends dgn org lain yg lg fun.

lamanyer jamm nii.

i just wanna go home.

jst nk rest skejap pun jadilah.

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