sometimes i’m just so upset that i can’t see the end of the tunnel
when you just walk for miles but you can’t find a way out
when everything and everyone hurts you but you can’t do anything about it
you’re just like sand
just like the lowest most bottom speck of dust carried by the wind
nothing to anticipate, jst endless miles of nothingness.
i hate lying
i hate it even more if it’s smthg pple jst expects you to do because of your job
i hate it when there’s non-stop noise
it doesn’t feel like music to your ears anymore when it’s loud and continuous. so what if it’s quiet.
there’s nothing wrong with silence.
i hate being afraid of making decisions
how can i not be, when pple jst hurt me for the things that i choose to do or be
sometimes, i really want to be alone
only want to share the happy things with pple
only want to keep the painful things inside
because it makes me feel btter when nobody really knows the ugly stories tht i hide
the intricate complexities of my pain tht no one really gets
once in a while i do spell it out
because i want people to back away
because it’s easier
sometimes it’s tiring when you’re constantly explaining yourself to the entire world
i get so tired
i only want to do the things tht i need for me and for the pple that i need.
i don’t want to have to answr for anything else.
the thing about you is that you just defend everything that has to do with you, even when you’re wrong.
because you can’t be sorry for anything.
or admit that you made a mistake.
or think about how your actions affect anyone else.
and then you put people below you, or you attack them in your quest to make up for your insecurities.
i read smthg today.
a lot to think about.
needed to sort out my thoughts.
1. it’s not okay to blame pple whn u were the one not painting a realistic & clear picture of wht they should do by when. & when i say “when” i mean a REALISTIC “when”. not a date tht is jst ur preference. or worse, benchmarking/comparing based on othr pple’s date when they are clearly doing smthg different, which u might not truly realize bcause of ur pre-existing assumptions.
2. if u want to make things btter & faster u can do so by specifying how, or intervene in a proper manner. if u don’t then u might be able to somehow increase efficiency short-term, but u will downgrade passion, meticulousness, and morale long-term. bcause pple would want it to be done fast enough to fulfil ur expectations but they wouldn’t hav d time to care if it’s done right.
3. smtimes u can manage/ ensure the work is done by allocating & specifying realistic load & time period for everyone to stick to. psychological attack/pressuring is unnecessary. evn without that, pple wil stil be working on their tasks if it has been assigned to them earlier & realistically, while knowing wht the allocated time is.
4. there are some things which u have no jurisdiction over. u cannot control everything.
esok puasa. alhamdulillah, last year dpt puasa penuh. tahun ni tgoklah mcm mana keadaan, yg pnting sihat💪
kdg2 bila aku buka fb & iG sekitar kL yg aku tinggalkn, ade jgk rasa mcm uncomfortable. sbb aku xdpt keadaan yg mcm tu lg.
stay dgn pple yg best. pegi pgrm sama2. mkn rmai2. pegi KD sama2.
lepas tu kdg2 aku rasa aku xnk tgok updates mcm tu. sbb aku xnk rasa mcm tu. bukan aku benci. aku jst xnak ada rasa jealous, or worse, dengki.
lol. hopefully xdela smpai mcm tu kot.
cuma. mcm bila aku tgok, smtimes aku ada rasa self concious sikit sbb aku keep compare2kn ape yg aku buat now that i’m in a different place, dgn ape yg dorg buat in kL. kept thinking: i could’ve been doing that too.
and i know it’s not fair nk compare sbb aku jst terpaksa terima keadaan di tmpat baru bcause i need to work & stuff, & xbaik merungut sbb ada nikmat lain yg aku perolehi, tapi bila asyik tgok gmbar & status dorg (wlwpn byk yg tjuan2 kebaikan), i can’t help but feel not so fine.
mgkn sbb aku rse mcm amal aku pun kurang.. pas tu envrnment kita pun dh berbeza. wlwpn bukn salah aku envrnmnt kt sini x mcm kL, tp aku xpyhla nk fokus sgt kt bnda2 yg brbeza tu. aku rasa aku jst kena do wht i cn with wht i hav. & if aku xpegi mcm dorg pegi, it’s bcause i either hav othr commitments utk medan d sini, or commitments fmly yg aku xbleh ketepikn.
keadaan kita x sama..i should accept that.
& jst look forward to tomorrow.
it’s like a maze
bila sekali lalu nmpak mcm biase/normal-looking thing tp bila masuk dlm ade tangga turun tangga naik tangga pusing mcm filem jackie chan
pas tu design dia wrne putih & bilik bos dia half kaca see-through
krja ni mncabar but i want to try & make it work insyaAllah
so here i am again. i wrote a bunch of stuff but i dont know why ths phone doesnt autosave my content on wp. so i’m jst gonna summarize my life updates in 1 week.
-my contract’s almost over. they offered a few thngs so that i stay & extend my contract but i don’t want to
-i got a different offer frm anothr prty & i’ve accepted.
-i opened d necessary account ysterday & went for my medical checkup but there was a problm with 1 of my rsults. so no i’m in d middle of waiting fr d 2nd results aftr a retest this morning.
-i am even more clear of d reasons why i dont want to stay on my current job no matter d “salary revision” that they’re offering. bcause i feel like my heart & soul is slowly being wiped out d longer i stay. i cant live like this. forced to not care about the things that i care about. whatever. i’m leaving anyway. can’t wait to tell them fr d 3rd time (bcause the prvious times pple keep trying to change my mind but whatever. it’s not like that’s ever gonna work).
-i don’t see a future here. all i see are layers of lies & denial.
-so next fr me is replying the email & sending d necessary documents, insyaAllah.
i’ll write again later!