and i can’t.

Published September 20, 2016 by crystalights

the thing about you is that you just defend everything that has to do with you, even when you’re wrong.

because you can’t be sorry for anything.

or admit that you made a mistake.

or think about how your actions affect anyone else.

and then you put people below you, or you attack them in your quest to make up for your insecurities.

just sorting.

Published June 26, 2016 by crystalights

i read smthg today.
a lot to think about.
needed to sort out my thoughts.

1. it’s not okay to blame pple whn u were the one not painting a realistic & clear picture of wht they should do by when. & when i say “when” i mean a REALISTIC “when”. not a date tht is jst ur preference. or worse, benchmarking/comparing based on othr pple’s date when they are clearly doing smthg different, which u might not truly realize bcause of ur pre-existing assumptions.

2. if u want to make things btter & faster u can do so by specifying how, or intervene in a proper manner. if u don’t then u might be able to somehow increase efficiency short-term, but u will downgrade passion, meticulousness, and morale long-term. bcause pple would want it to be done fast enough to fulfil ur expectations but they wouldn’t hav d time to care if it’s done right.

3. smtimes u can manage/ ensure the work is done by allocating & specifying realistic load & time period for everyone to stick to. psychological attack/pressuring is unnecessary. evn without that, pple wil stil be working on their tasks if it has been assigned to them earlier & realistically, while knowing wht the allocated time is.

4. there are some things which u have no jurisdiction over. u cannot control everything.

esok puasa

Published June 5, 2016 by crystalights

esok puasa. alhamdulillah, last year dpt puasa penuh. tahun ni tgoklah mcm mana keadaan, yg pnting sihat💪

kdg2 bila aku buka fb & iG sekitar kL yg aku tinggalkn, ade jgk rasa mcm uncomfortable. sbb aku xdpt keadaan yg mcm tu lg.
stay dgn pple yg best. pegi pgrm sama2. mkn rmai2. pegi KD sama2.

lepas tu kdg2 aku rasa aku xnk tgok updates mcm tu. sbb aku xnk rasa mcm tu. bukan aku benci. aku jst xnak ada rasa jealous, or worse, dengki.

lol. hopefully xdela smpai mcm tu kot.

cuma. mcm bila aku tgok, smtimes aku ada rasa self concious sikit sbb aku keep compare2kn ape yg aku buat now that i’m in a different place, dgn ape yg dorg buat in kL. kept thinking: i could’ve been doing that too.

and i know it’s not fair nk compare sbb aku jst terpaksa terima keadaan di tmpat baru bcause i need to work & stuff, & xbaik merungut sbb ada nikmat lain yg aku perolehi, tapi bila asyik tgok gmbar & status dorg (wlwpn byk yg tjuan2 kebaikan), i can’t help but feel not so fine.

mgkn sbb aku rse mcm amal aku pun kurang.. pas tu envrnment kita pun dh berbeza. wlwpn bukn salah aku envrnmnt kt sini x mcm kL, tp aku xpyhla nk fokus sgt kt bnda2 yg brbeza tu. aku rasa aku jst kena do wht i cn with wht i hav. & if aku xpegi mcm dorg pegi, it’s bcause i either hav othr commitments utk medan d sini, or commitments fmly yg aku xbleh ketepikn.

keadaan kita x sama..i should accept that.

& jst look forward to tomorrow.

insyaAllah.

new job!

Published April 21, 2016 by crystalights

it’s like a maze

bila sekali lalu nmpak mcm biase/normal-looking thing tp bila masuk dlm ade tangga turun tangga naik tangga pusing mcm filem jackie chan

pas tu design dia wrne putih & bilik bos dia half kaca see-through

hokayy

krja ni mncabar but i want to try & make it work insyaAllah

this week

Published March 23, 2016 by crystalights

so here i am again. i wrote a bunch of stuff but i dont know why ths phone doesnt autosave my content on wp. so i’m jst gonna summarize my life updates in 1 week.

-my contract’s almost over. they offered a few thngs so that i stay & extend my contract but i don’t want to

-i got a different offer frm anothr prty & i’ve accepted.

-i opened d necessary account ysterday & went for my medical checkup but there was a problm with 1 of my rsults. so no i’m in d middle of waiting fr d 2nd results aftr a retest this morning.

-i am even more clear of d reasons why i dont want to stay on my current job no matter d “salary revision” that they’re offering. bcause i feel like my heart & soul is slowly being wiped out d longer i stay. i cant live like this. forced to not care about the things that i care about. whatever. i’m leaving anyway. can’t wait to tell them fr d 3rd time (bcause the prvious times pple keep trying to change my mind but whatever. it’s not like that’s ever gonna work).

-i don’t see a future here. all i see are layers of lies & denial.

-so next fr me is replying the email & sending d necessary documents, insyaAllah.

i’ll write again later!

conclusions

Published February 19, 2016 by crystalights

today was..unusual.

cuma ada 2 things i need to address here:

1. even if she’s nice to you don’t you think that it’s not okay that othr pple get treated like dirt in front of your eyes? if she is really your friend wouldn’t you want her to change for the better? how could you be okay with that? and you even had the galls to flaunt the fact that you will never be treated that way unlike pple like us. patutla hari tu masa aku kena marah ko rilek je. aftr that ko siap smbung arah2 aku lg mcm insensitive giler. sbb ko tau ko mmg akn slamat ke. atau sbb ko tk kena ape2 jd ko tk pnah care?

2. what he did was right. in fact i should have documented everything that has happened to me since the beginning of work so that nothing can be used against me. well. there you have it. first you wanted him bcause of his blood & connections, then you wanted him bcause of what he is capable of. then you kept wht he wanted away frm him bcause u wanted to use him to advance ur game, right? bcause i don’t understand why would he be stuck in a position tht he doesn’t even need to be in anyway. it’s ludicrous bcause he hasn’t ever been in wht he could hav done great in & i think evryone knows that.

why would anyone with pure intentions hold him back frm wht he could become?

no

Published February 3, 2016 by crystalights

sbnrnya isu utama smlm is that there is not enough number of trainers.

tp sbnrnya aku mmg tgh dlm process nk dptkn trainers even bfore ysterday. cuma masih belum ckup bilangànnya. & aku blum dpt confirmation dr org2 lain sbb dorg pn bsy or tak respon. & aku pn bsy dgn krja aku yg lain & krja org lain yg aku kena assist yg due on d same day. jd aku blum habis confirm pun lg bilangan trainers. tiba2 kena masuk meeting yg di expect aku bg berita bhw trainers dh cukup.

hakikatnya tetap sama: tak ckup org, i need time.

pas tu bila aku tk dpt bg confirmation bilngn org yg aku dpt dr dffrnt pple (sbb aku x sempat confirm dia dh pnggil mting, & masa panggil tu tk ckp pun nk talk abt this thing) masa tu mmg all hell broke loose la.
and i am on the receiving end.

so aku rasa, kalo aku buat PhD atau rsearch atau lain2, aku tk kn buat undr thm kot.
tk berbaloi nk contribute buah fikiran aku long-term kt tmpat mcm ni.