so. what next.

Published November 1, 2015 by crystalights

i think i have to try writing again.

with less audience. haha. i don’t know.

so a few days ago i had like a little freak out bcause of how some of the things that i wrote on my old insta posts might be misinterpreted by pple who used to be on my follow list (i hav my reasons for unfollowing pple evn though i’m still friends with most of them, and no, i don’t hate them).


there was 1 post i wrote aftr a particularly difficult day. and i posted it bcause it was a way for me to convince myself that i would be okay, & things would be okay again; & also bcause i was certain that the pple involved are no longr in my follow-list. it wasn’t a bad or a complainy post, it was a bittersweet, painful-but-we’ll-be-okay post. & it ws months ago.

but there was always a possibility that pple might misunderstand, idk.
and i hav already unfollowed so many pple i don’t think anyone would know.

& well, recently i just realized tht evn if u unfollow someone they can still know what you post if they’re following u (bcause u were the one who gave the permission for them to do so in the first place, whn they first requested to follow u). and u can’t take back that permission (unless they are the ones who unfollowed u). u can only block them. but if u block them it’d be like they can never follow u forever until u unblock them. and that would usually give a bit of a different vibe than the normal unfriend thingy on fb. like u never want to be friends. which is not true in some of these cases.

sometimes there are things that u want to hide frm your friends too, u know. bcause u feel better whn u don’t pour your heart out to pple who likes being friends with u but might not always get wht ur pain is about. it’d be super awkward and frustrating on both sides, and wht makes it worse is u can’t untell the story.
it’s not like an unpaced, editable writing.
it’s permanent.
etched in your memory of how there was this one time i told someone about what’s in my chest & then this prson just..not react in the way that i hoped they would.

so sometimes hiding is easier.

i like to express things as they are in a lot of things, but in some situations i prefer to keep it to a select few pple like my fmly & only a few friends.

it hurts less that way.

and i can stop thinking of explaining things to pple like i’m in 4th grade and had to explain to the principle why i left school early or when i was in 2nd form whn i had to explain to the school counselor + a few teachers about my family (a.k.a my sister of the same school). it gets awful smtimes. growing up having to explain everything to evryone bcause it’s so easy for pple to misunderstand & incriminate u or smthng.


that’s quite a lot of words, i think

i should get back to house chores now.

last time

Published October 24, 2015 by crystalights

i can’t help remember the last time

sitting in the hospital, waiting
back and forth and bracing ourselves for the next phase
hearts terrified but nowhere to run

it was real and we had to deal with it the best way that we know how
and it was just us
no one else was really there the way that i wanted them to be
so i got it. that it wasn’t up to anyone.

and now we’re here
and i hope it’s not a repeat of those dark days
bcause i don’t know wht next

there is only uncertainty

i can’t stand my anger sometimes

i didn’t know

Published October 23, 2015 by crystalights

i can take honesty

i just take honesty better when it’s directly addressed to me
instead of underneath some lines on an instagram post that i only go through because i can feel something’s off, somewhere.

so it turns out the way that my voice sounds when i answered is not right. but i was shocked and reacting under pressure and in a moment’s lapse i wasnt on my best behaviour. so? if it’s horrible then jst tell me.

i can take it. i know now it was wrong & i can try to fix it.

i just didn’t expect it to be on the net.


this actually hurts like i can’t even

maybe, maybe is not good

Published October 9, 2015 by crystalights

you know

smtimes i wonder.
if i feel like the eldest child, then what’s the use of the eldest child?
maybe if i am the eldest child, then she would listen to me (?)
(and i can swat her out like a fly? haha *evil laughs*)

but i’m not the eldest child.
she is.

and maybe whtever i say is never gonna work, so whatevs.

tak baik pikir mcm ni, kan.

Allah yg takdirkn kn.
aku kena terima.

tak sabar nk start krja again.

so i can have a break frm my real life “reality show” and focus on thngs tht make my parents happy.

so tht i can dream about taking mak to marina bay sands @ singapore (mak saw it on the telly & it looks fascinating). so we want like a proper tourist trip to the lion city. ngeeeee *squeals*


Published February 11, 2014 by crystalights

sometimes i can’t help but feel that even making the effort doesn’t put me anywhere near enough to where i want to be.


” i tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter”

in this race against time i can’t help but feel that time is not on my side.

that in a few more years i’ll probably be overripe or underrated for this congested market.

whatever that means.

i’ll face it heads up



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