new job!

Published April 21, 2016 by crystalights

it’s like a maze

bila sekali lalu nmpak mcm biase/normal-looking thing tp bila masuk dlm ade tangga turun tangga naik tangga pusing mcm filem jackie chan

pas tu design dia wrne putih & bilik bos dia half kaca see-through

hokayy

krja ni mncabar but i want to try & make it work insyaAllah

this week

Published March 23, 2016 by crystalights

so here i am again. i wrote a bunch of stuff but i dont know why ths phone doesnt autosave my content on wp. so i’m jst gonna summarize my life updates in 1 week.

-my contract’s almost over. they offered a few thngs so that i stay & extend my contract but i don’t want to

-i got a different offer frm anothr prty & i’ve accepted.

-i opened d necessary account ysterday & went for my medical checkup but there was a problm with 1 of my rsults. so no i’m in d middle of waiting fr d 2nd results aftr a retest this morning.

-i am even more clear of d reasons why i dont want to stay on my current job no matter d “salary revision” that they’re offering. bcause i feel like my heart & soul is slowly being wiped out d longer i stay. i cant live like this. forced to not care about the things that i care about. whatever. i’m leaving anyway. can’t wait to tell them fr d 3rd time (bcause the prvious times pple keep trying to change my mind but whatever. it’s not like that’s ever gonna work).

-i don’t see a future here. all i see are layers of lies & denial.

-so next fr me is replying the email & sending d necessary documents, insyaAllah.

i’ll write again later!

conclusions

Published February 19, 2016 by crystalights

today was..unusual.

cuma ada 2 things i need to address here:

1. even if she’s nice to you don’t you think that it’s not okay that othr pple get treated like dirt in front of your eyes? if she is really your friend wouldn’t you want her to change for the better? how could you be okay with that? and you even had the galls to flaunt the fact that you will never be treated that way unlike pple like us. patutla hari tu masa aku kena marah ko rilek je. aftr that ko siap smbung arah2 aku lg mcm insensitive giler. sbb ko tau ko mmg akn slamat ke. atau sbb ko tk kena ape2 jd ko tk pnah care?

2. what he did was right. in fact i should have documented everything that has happened to me since the beginning of work so that nothing can be used against me. well. there you have it. first you wanted him bcause of his blood & connections, then you wanted him bcause of what he is capable of. then you kept wht he wanted away frm him bcause u wanted to use him to advance ur game, right? bcause i don’t understand why would he be stuck in a position tht he doesn’t even need to be in anyway. it’s ludicrous bcause he hasn’t ever been in wht he could hav done great in & i think evryone knows that.

why would anyone with pure intentions hold him back frm wht he could become?

no

Published February 3, 2016 by crystalights

sbnrnya isu utama smlm is that there is not enough number of trainers.

tp sbnrnya aku mmg tgh dlm process nk dptkn trainers even bfore ysterday. cuma masih belum ckup bilangànnya. & aku blum dpt confirmation dr org2 lain sbb dorg pn bsy or tak respon. & aku pn bsy dgn krja aku yg lain & krja org lain yg aku kena assist yg due on d same day. jd aku blum habis confirm pun lg bilangan trainers. tiba2 kena masuk meeting yg di expect aku bg berita bhw trainers dh cukup.

hakikatnya tetap sama: tak ckup org, i need time.

pas tu bila aku tk dpt bg confirmation bilngn org yg aku dpt dr dffrnt pple (sbb aku x sempat confirm dia dh pnggil mting, & masa panggil tu tk ckp pun nk talk abt this thing) masa tu mmg all hell broke loose la.
and i am on the receiving end.

so aku rasa, kalo aku buat PhD atau rsearch atau lain2, aku tk kn buat undr thm kot.
tk berbaloi nk contribute buah fikiran aku long-term kt tmpat mcm ni.

don’t know

Published February 2, 2016 by crystalights

i was holding back the tears as i walked out of that room

tapi bila smpai cubicle & duduk last2 xdpt nk tahan.

bcause wht i’m being blamed for is the exact thing that i was in d middle of processing.. sbnrnya aku blum habis lg uruskn, tiba2 sruh aku attend meeting where pple expect me to hav d right answers & tht everything is done & mncukupi.

mmg x la.

xmgkin.

baru minggu lepas dpt kenalpasti sape dlm team (tu pun ade lg yg aku xpasti sejauh mana boleh di includekn).

sbnrnya, nk gerakkn 1st planning pun mcm2 interruption.
pas tu undefined group/committee members & roles.
pas tu no authority for decisions, smua kena refer balik kt satu2nya decision-maker. jd byk bnda sangkut2.
pas tu higher positioned members kdg2 xde dlm pjumpaan sbb busy, & yg ada pn mcm x membawa manfaat sgt (instructions brtmbah tp xmenyelesaikn mslh pun. malah menambah beban). ada yg x bagi input lgsung pdhal bjwatn tinggi. wlwpn dia bukn dlm team tp spatutnya dia lbih tahu apa yg diprlukan.

smua bnda ni akhirnya memuncak & mnyebabkn ada kekurngan yg happen.

pas tu last skali org yg kena blame adalah aku.

i don’t know what to say

today

Published January 28, 2016 by crystalights

i didn’t go to work today.
was on MC.

mcm biasela bila sakit, smua bnda pun snang je nk rasa upset.

tp aku cuba buat rilek2 sbb jadi org sedih ni memenatkan, especially bila kita tgh xsihat.

so aku xdrive harini sbb hsemate kata hospital tu susah parking, nnt lmbat. so nk cpt punye pasal, aku naik teksi.

i hav high expectations on ths hospital sbb dia bukan wholly government owned (bleh nmpak my scepticism in anything government-related).

anyway, aku rse kaunter kt dpn dh cpt, tp bila dia assign aku punye consultation dgn Dr, ntah kenape that particular room jd lmbat compared to other Dr’s rooms.

rasa mcm pelik.

skali rupa2nya, Dr yg check aku tu sedang di monitor oleh Dr lain. jd smbil dia check smua patient, dia sedang di check & di tutor oleh seorg Dr senior yg byk sgt huraian psl everything. smua bnda nk explain. pas tu nk soal jawab ngn Dr tu padahal Dr tu tgh check aku. pas tu sruh aku tggu kjap smntara dia nk abeskn cakap.

i mean. i get that it’s probably 1 of those “learning hospital” concept or whatever (wlwpn aku rse sbnrnya bukan, sbnrnya ko saje nk ajar beriya sbb nk protect ur racial interests), but srsly, patient tgh rmai kat luar, kalo ko nk explain everything ko cepat sikitla. xkan nk tggu smpai org emotional breakdown kat luar kot mnunggu ko explain everything.

adoi.

ni aku rse mcm inappropriate time nk explain everything. u shud do that in a lecture room whn u teach kot. atau do it as u make ur rounds in the ward. bukan kt klinik yg org tgh rmai & sakit.

i jst rolled my eyes & focused on talking to the Dr who’s treating me. pas tu bila aku tnjuk lozenge yg aku mkn Dr yg tgh monitor tu bleh tnya plak mcmane aku bleh tau nk bli tht type (like is it that impossible tht some non-medical pple actually understand non-inflammatory lozenge can be taken for sore throat?). ntahla.
i jst said my friend is a pharmacist & she gave me ths fr my sore throat.

anyway.

balik tu lapar. beli mcm kebab ayam yg small. tapi xsgka ayam dia cedok dlm bekas sikit je mcm beberapa cubit je (siap ada serpihan2 ayam yg kecik). like srsly. hrga dia xkena ngn portion dia. so aku ckp ngn dia “the chicken is too little”.
pas tu dia jst snyum & buat muka selamba mcm “this is life”.

bila balik tu aku tggu bas. agk lama la jgk (sbb mula2 aku trsalah, aku pi tggu bas lain. aftr texting my frns baru find out mana yg btul). mkcik kt bas tu pun tggu, tp bila dia smpai dia mmg dh tlepas d prvious bas, jd bila dia dtg dia kena tggu lama fr d next one. dia ckp “krajaan sruh kita naik public transport, tapi public transport x efficient”. pas tu aku jst angguk gitu2 je la.
i’m not sure, btul ke gov sruh naik public transport?
dlm hati aku kata: org yg sruh naik public transport tu x naik pun public transport.

aku rse, byk jgk golongn bkuasa yg mcm tu. sruh org buat smthg yg dia sendiri x rasai. bukan mcm zmn Umar r.a. dulu. mkn daging pun dia x mahu bila tahu masih ada rkyat yg x ckup mkan/ ikat perut.

we live in a different kind of world kot.

suruh suruh suruh

tapi x tahu, x rasa, x faham wht it’s like. sruh org buat something dgn diri sndiri yg buat something, dia xkan sama.

mcm bila kita suruh org masak, kita mgkn nmpak masak tu shj. tp dia kena beli barang, prepare bahan, masak, then clean up.

sama mcm bila kita sruh org tulis buku. kita mgkn nmpak: ada konsep trus tulis je la, senang. tp dia yg nk tulis tu kena baca dulu, study, kaji, cari sumber yg sahih & pertimbangkan mana yg baik, mana yg boleh. lepas siap tulis dia kena ada proper citation mngikut format yg dipersetujui. sometimes bacaan permulaan tu shj ambil masa berminggu, bukan boleh siap dlm tempoh 2-3hari. & wlwpn ada team yg kena bg input, tp smtimes bnda2 mcm tu lg take more time sbb nk includekn & synchronize kn input dr smua org.

bukan jst buka mulut, bgtau itu ini smua trus boleh siap segera. sedangkan task2 sblm tu pun masih perlukn perhatian & stil in progress.

unless kalo kita bleh tulis whatever trash (atau buku novel cinta picisan) & xperlu memenuhi standard yg tinggi yg memuaskn hati pihak authority.

mgkn smtimes kita x sedar ada org yg bite off more than other pple can chew. other pple being the pple underneath yg waiting for d crumbs.

ok.

dah.

malas nk ckp psl ni.

entah.

Published January 27, 2016 by crystalights

i got sick last night.

can barely drive home.

tp drive jugakla. sbb xsuka org lain drivekan my car (sbb dia sensitif sikit. mesti tahu handle with care).

pas tu smpai umah uruskn diri etc2, trus tidur. mase nk tido tu hsemates pun pelik nape tido earlier than usual (slalu tido pkul 12 lbih or pkul 1 cam tu) pas tu aku ckp aku demam.

pas tu dia ckp esok MC & rehat.

pas tu aku ckp kalo dh ok aku kena pegi krja (sbb smtimes bukn snang dpt MC bila dmam kita dh brkurangan. wlwpn kita rasa x larat. tp kalo temperature kata kita dlm range yg acceptable, last2 bleh jd no MC. wlwpn kita rasa mcm separuh mati nak dtg krja).

anyway.

guess wht.

harini aku follow instructions, tgh tmbah content proposal pas tu aku dpt arahan kena siapkn editing utk asean. pas tu tgh editing, dpt instruction buat proposal baru utk state lain.

xpasti mane 1 shud go first, tp i’m just going with asean first la kot.

ntahla.

tibe-tibe aku terfikir. kalo aku MC tday, sape yg nk buat smua tu?

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