hari ni first day of ramadhan.
kitorg bgun sahur pastu masa tgh makan tetibe azan. berderau darah aku sbb terkejut, takkanlah pkul 5.05 minit pagi dh azan subuh? ni kt pekan kot. pastu aku ckp kt mak, ni azan pertama kot. mak pulak kata kt sini tkde kira azan pertama ke kedua, kalo nk azan dia terus azan subuh.
dah aku mcm was². pastu aku check lg skali kt phone, kt sini subuh mmg pkul 5.34 pagi, bukan 5.05 minit. kitorg dh tgok jam pun mmg betul, bukan jam yg rosak.
so aku jst fikir tk logic kalo subuh seawal ni kat sni, aku yakin mmg belum subuh. so kitorg jst truskn makan.
aftr that, pkul 5.34 pagi mmg betullah, dia azan subuh (yg sebenar).
means betullah konsep azan pertama azan kedua tu kan?
ramadhan is coming. i hope everyone (myself included) will stay healthy and be able to complete the month positively & productively.
on a different note. i think. whatever happens i am my own person. with my own quirks and personality. if other pple don’t like it doesn’t mean i should change it, when it’s not even hurting anyone. it’s just a matter of preference.
unless wht i do is hurtful for other pple, or against my beliefs & religion, i shouldn’t have to change jst to make other pple feel good.
and i guess that is just life.
am i where i’m meant to be?
i feel like i am settling into something that i would never want for myself.
i can’t do what i want, what i like.
i can’t go where i want to be, and be what i want to be.
it feels like i can’t find peace anywhere.
my life feels like a constant block of walls with no doors but plenty of keys.
i want the comfort of staying but need the relief of going out there and doing something more with my life.
i am disenchanted, disillusioned by all the wrong turns that i end up in.
for me, there is no real refuge from the hurt of disappointment. because every road leads me to the same ending.
i think that it’s easier for me to write it out than to actually live it.
i think i need to be on my own again. so that i don’t hurt myself and others along the way.
i’m just feeling a little irritable.
i don’t know, sometimes i just need my own space.
and some quiet time alone.
and people to have some sort of self-preservation towards their own behaviour.
sometimes it’s just tiring.
and if you hate something so much then why do you keep on seeing it?
i can’t even
& btw, aku benci bila org ckp dgn aku mcm aku tk fhm.
sbb bg aku, memahami tu mcm benda wajib yg semua org yg ada sense kena cuba ada.
sometimes i’m just so upset that i can’t see the end of the tunnel
when you just walk for miles but you can’t find a way out
when everything and everyone hurts you but you can’t do anything about it
you’re just like sand
just like the lowest most bottom speck of dust carried by the wind
nothing to anticipate, jst endless miles of nothingness.
i hate lying
i hate it even more if it’s smthg pple jst expects you to do because of your job
i hate it when there’s non-stop noise
it doesn’t feel like music to your ears anymore when it’s loud and continuous. so what if it’s quiet.
there’s nothing wrong with silence.
i hate being afraid of making decisions
how can i not be, when pple jst hurt me for the things that i choose to do or be
sometimes, i really want to be alone
only want to share the happy things with pple
only want to keep the painful things inside
because it makes me feel btter when nobody really knows the ugly stories tht i hide
the intricate complexities of my pain tht no one really gets
once in a while i do spell it out
because i want people to back away
because it’s easier
sometimes it’s tiring when you’re constantly explaining yourself to the entire world
i get so tired
i only want to do the things tht i need for me and for the pple that i need.
i don’t want to have to answr for anything else.
the thing about you is that you just defend everything that has to do with you, even when you’re wrong.
because you can’t be sorry for anything.
or admit that you made a mistake.
or think about how your actions affect anyone else.
and then you put people below you, or you attack them in your quest to make up for your insecurities.