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All posts for the month July, 2009

hanging by a moment.

Published July 24, 2009 by crystalights

 

¿

the resume i sent.

no response so far.

*is sad*

 

 

anyway.

i think i feel okayy now.. my people people are constantly around since i rturned [ it’s like they kinda knew about my emo(!)istic mood ].

and then we found somethng to eat. that always brings up the good mood.

 

 

my dad always calls me whn he’s paid my phone bills. or paid my other bills. or put money in my account.

it’s strange.

like the one thng that we find the need to talk to each other about is evrythng money-related.

but well.

sometimes he really knows what to say when it comes to a lot of thngs.

just the timing is sometimes a little off.

 

 

i have to find a person i need to contact for my proposal.

but the location is a bit too far. and i can’t go on weekdays bcause of my classes..and weekends are their holidays. i can’t go and see thm on days other than their workng days.

so i have to try and steal a bit of time off on weekdays..

 

 

anyway.

me n my friends were talkng about thngs and suddenly matters of the heart [ and relationships ] came up.

it was weird(?)

because it wasn’t really on my mind [ for now that is ].

but whn my friends spoke of it, suddenly i was thnking about it too.

and i think; i’m not cut out for that at the moment.

bcause i truly don’t suit any of it right now.

i can’t even find solid ground for my own two feet, let alone find happiness in the hands of a stranger.

so there.

i think it’s better that i don’t hurt anyone, and don’t get hurt by anyone.

 

 

and ths is strange but i don’t undrstand it myslf, why do i feel so dejected?

i mean, it’s not like we’re close friends or anythng.

we dont even belong in each other’s circle.

but whn i found out that i am one of the last to find out that you’re leavng nxt week, my heart aches.

maybe bcause this is the kind of situation where all my wild guesses and uncertain perceptions has been proven to be so damn true.

that i am never a part of you. of your life.

and even if i was, or i once were..it is no longer that way anymore.

and that no matter what happens between all of us, i will always be the odd one out.

that no matter what i do. it will never be enough.

i will never be enough.

not in your eyes.

 

 

thank you for letting me see that clearly.

i feel like my whole life’s a big joke.

and maybe ths is how it will always end.

hanging by a moment for as long as i can.

 

 ♦

 

okayy.

class’ early tmrow morning.

 

i’ll carry on, i’ll be okayy.

i’ll wake up tmorrow and not feel it as much as i feel it today.

 

i won’t come around, i won’t be the one you need.

i won’t be the one you talk about the thngs that you can’t talk about. with anyone but me.

i won’t be the one you wish to see.

 

 

but surely i know that i

..won’t be the one to say goodbye. ♣

 

 

goodnite.

small hearts♥

Published July 22, 2009 by crystalights

 

i like people who are truthful evn though sometimes i lie a lot.

but naturally, telling the truth is a choice.

just like lying is a choice.

 

 

i returned frm my two-day training.

two days away frm all these, but whn i returned evrythng’s kinda the same..

 

and the training. was comprehensively intense.

i’m so tired and evrythng seems to consume all my energy.

 

and that phonecall was upsetting.

how is it possible that 1 phonecall and 1 unreplied msg could be so upsetting?

 

 

is it that bad?

to not be remembered?

i know some people do. not remember.

i thought that i have done evrythng within my power to not be unremembered.

and yet.

people forgets people.

that’s what people do.

they forget.

they can’t hold on long enough.

not as long as i wished they would.

 

 

 

 

i wanna give the benefit of the doubt and be a good sport about it.

be the good girl.

the good little doll.

unfeeling.

uncaring.

unhurt.

 

 

 

 

i

wanna be evrythng you want me to be. even more than anythng you’ve ever wanted me to be.

but i want you to want it too.

 

 

 

 

 

if my heart is this small

you’re not making it any bigger. ♣

weekend snippets

Published July 20, 2009 by crystalights

 

i’ve just submitted my resume (!) . to 3 companies *is nervous*

but it’s almost 3a.m i should go to sleep now. class is early tmrow morning. the cnnection was so slow, it was oly a little faster aftr 1 or 2 a.m. that ws partly why i’m submitting my internship application at the wee hours of the morning like ths. i’ve become frm <sleepy + tired> to <wide awake + tired>. it won’t be so easy to go to bed now.

anyway.

i have to skip class again(!) for two days(!). i hate it whn tht happens. it makes me feel stupid. again.

but.

this time it’s for an acceptably acceptable cause. again.

i’m going to go for a two-day training / learning session for the A.A.S(!)

it’s like a wish come true [ kinda not true, but it was a wish, nvertheless ].

but. i had to miss two important classes.

again.

i’ve jst caught up with last week’s missed class [ went through the puzzling notes, ask some questions, lookng for answrs ] and now i have to miss classes again(?)

skipping classes are always a hassle for me.

and it’s my wednesday class. one of my meaningful classes. [ i think i only have like 2 meaningful classes ].

but learning the method for the A.A.S is like a once in a lifetime experience. because it’s too complicated to learn it twice. or more than once.

anyway.

i jst hope hope hopefully truly hope that there will be some good news for my internship applications [ i have my target set on a cmpany but i don’t know how it’ll turn out to be ].

hopefully some company out there is willing to accept me.

and that someone out here will realize that she’s not really being helpful on matters concerning the unlove life. no, no, on matters concerning life, for that matter.

i think that evrythng that i’m lookng for or askng for are thngs that i somehow end up doing for myslf. because people are jst plain uncaring enough.

but anyway, i think i’m okayy. at least i can surprise myslf when i see the atrosity of the situations that i’m in. and the way i deal with those situations even though i get freaked out of my wits.

like ysterday.

it was like a living nightmare.

View Image

pressed within a sea of humans inside a slow-moving train to a far-away destination. with foreign bodies whom you do not know of their gender let alone their origins, with a heart-clenching fear of being violated in a public transport without knowing who the culprit is [ it has happened bfore to pple tht i know ], and you can hardly stand bcause the number of people within that coach was amazing. not amazingly amazing, but amazingly crushingly pressed tgthr like a tightly bound explosive. and within that chaos was me, standing or at least trying to stand and not make a sound while my eyes are burning with quiet tears.

it was horribly terribly incorrigibly unacceptable.

not only was the earlier train too packed for me to fit in, the second train was half an hour delayed. and when it came it was like a death train with a death sentence.

and that was what happened.

and yes, after a hellish, delayed train ride i hopped on a sluggishly slow taxi and arrived a little too late. the bus was already gone. i had to wait for the next two hours for another bus.

it was crazy.

and i have to go to sleep. like now.

owh and yes. i’m currently readng through my eia rport. for now i think the project that i’m supposed to be reviewing is awful. even the project site is questionable.

so there.

i have to go now.

goodnight.

.

photo creds to melasalam

happiness is a strange thing.

Published July 19, 2009 by crystalights

 

sometimes when you’re too happy, thngs tend to pass by unnoticed.

 

she’s happy bcause she’s in love.

 

 

it’s good that she’s happy.

 

i just hope that i don’t have to find a reason to be happy too.

 

because i think i am kinda happy now even though i’m not in love or anythng.

so erm..i hope that happiness won’t just be defined as coming from that four-lettered word. and that i can stay this way for as long as i wish it to be.

 

i know i’m not the kind of girl that people would look for in their lifepartner. i’m too hard-headed, self opinionated, and too rough around the edges. i don’t like comprimising and i don’t like a lot of thngs. but i have come to accept the fact that i’m not really the favored life-partner material and i’m happy like this.

so i hope that i won’t have to change this, because of her happiness [ if you get what i mean ].

anyway.

 

some people say that you can’t love another soul if you don’t love yourslf enough [ first ]. but i think i might have loved myself too much to actually love another soul.

 

selfish (?) or just plain sceptical in the glory of love (?)

 

i don’t like the idea of changing your way of life in the name of love.

 

i feel that love shouldn’t be the reason for dreams and ambitions to become unfulfilled.

 

honestly i have nothng against people who are truly in love, but this is jst how i view it – for now that is, though my p.o.Vs may change one day; but whatever it is, we take in what we are given with and we work with what we have. and we get it done. if it’s a job well done, then there you have it – destiny, fulfilled.

if it’s not, then you wallow a bit..but then you pull yourself tgthr and finally you’re rising above.

 

i think the hardest part about falling in love, is actually staying in love, after the fall.

 

so there.

i’m going to bed.

some thngs happened ovr the weekend but i’m jst too tired to ramble for now.

 

 

owh and i did talk to the other group representative [ as well as my lecturer ] about the EIA rport.

we can’t use it for our auditing site.

that project was not performed after the report was submitted.

so basically, the project doesn’t exist on land, it only exists on paper [ because what we have there is the Preliminary EIA report, not a Detailed EIA report ]. so it only has records of pre-construction, not post- construction.

 

so erm.

i have to study my report too.

at least bfore mnday’s lesson.

 

goodnight♦

 

 

so have a very good night ♣

for you. for them.

Published July 16, 2009 by crystalights

 

i wished that there’s somethng i could do for you, but i can’t do it for you. not right now.

and i’m really sorry.

you have no idea how much it kills me to know that i can’t.

 

 

it hurts when i can’t even tell you things.

and i wished that you’ll feel better as long as i’m listening, but you don’t.

you won’t.

it’s like you’re not even trying. to feel better.

and whatever i do doesn’t seem to be enough. for you.

i want to help you feel better, i really do.

but you’re not making it any easier for me.

you don’t even know the kinds of thngs that i go through right here right now, but that doesn’t matter anyway.

this isn’t about me.

this is about you.

for you.

i can’t promise you anythng but you know i will try.

i hope you know that i will try.

because you don’t seem to know that.

you seem to think that every single thing in ths world is going against you including me.

well you know what.

things could get better, or they could get worse.

but you can be anything you want yourself to be.

this isn’t the single most awful thing happening – ever, it’s a small rough patch of thorns for now, but you know that you’ve been through worse, and you could get through it this time, because you’re made of more than just that piece of flesh that resides in your chest, you’re made of all different kinds of amazing thngs and you can do wonders if you’ll just let yourself breathe.

so breathe.

you can do better. and feel better.

and be better.

 

this is your beginning.

 

you can hold it in your hands and feel good about it.

 

 

 

i’m happy that i can occasionally calm myslf down enough to make my own decisions even when my heart’s screaming in my chest.

it hurts a litle when you can’t communicate how you feel to the people around you, not because you don’t know how to, but because you feel it’s better not to.

i don’t want anyone to feel obligated to be with me if they knew the secret whispers of my heart.

it’s crazy, but one of the thngs that i fear, is people sticking with me out of obligation.

that’s why, i hardly ever tell people to wait for me, or stay with me, or eat with me or talk to me, because i don’t want them to feel obligated to be with me.

i want them to want to be with me, if they ever decide to be with me. i want them to want to stay because they want to, not because they feel obligated to.

i don’t think it’s okay to tie people down in their attempt to fulfil what they deemed as an obligation.

 

despite all of that, for some odd reason there are some people who’ve stuck with me until now.

they wait for me, and stay with me, and eat with me, and talk to me. they know what i like or don’t like, and they put up with me.

and they don’t quite know it, but i am always so grateful of them for being here. with me.

i never say it directly, but with them, i don’t really mind doing the thngs that i don’t like. because they’re them, and i’m me, and i know that it’s okayy to do thngs that i’m not used to, because sometimes they go through thngs that they’re not used to too, because of me.

 

and so it’s strange how despite of all that it’s still hard for me to put into words how i feel, even when i’m around them.

 

putting it here feels so much easier, so much better, than actually saying it verbally to any one of them.

and they don’t even know it.

or know this.

 

stories and memories

Published July 15, 2009 by crystalights

 

eversince i could remember, i’ve always been attached and surrounded with books. and that was since back then when i have yet to learn how to recognize words and sentences.

when i was little i was criticized for not being able to read. it was at my mother’s family house, where there’s volumes of encyclopedias and illustrated books. it happened when i was browsing through the pages and looking at the pictures and then suddenly he came and told me off, of the fact that i am illiterate. i didn’t move from that spot by that table. it’s like i froze. literally. i knew that i wasn’t exactly the favourite grandchild, but being told off that way when you were only a kindergarten kid really left a mark in my head.

so after i finally learnt how to read, it’s like i couldn’t stop reading. it was like an obsession of some sort.

it was like redemption.

like that one thing that i so desperately clung to, just to prove that i am not incapable.

growing up with books and entering the school’s writing / storytelling / quizzes / elocution competitions,  and submitting pieces for contests in the national papers as well as magazines, was what i was set on doing at that time. it was as if i grew up with a vengeance. that, fueled with my parent’s incessant pushing and psychological drive, really made my childhood days become truly filled with going all out for even the slightest thing.

it was fun in a way, but after a while it gets a bit tiring.

i remember being so young and so emotionally driven and so damn ambitious, and it kinda continued until my secondary years and until i finished school.

i did what i can in school, but somehow i was left feeling like it isn’t even close to enough.

nothing is ever enough. not when you’re always out to prove something to people.

it was like a vicious circle.

 

so now that i am old enough and have finally got through those crazy days, i often tell myslf that whatever i want to do and whatever i wish to do must not be because of how anyone’s influencing me, or because of wanting to prove anything to anyone around me. it should be because of what and how i truly wish it to be. it should be because of what i feel it should be.

 

and once in a while i do realize, that the people that i don’t really get along well with, are the people who always have something to prove [ especially in the thngs that they do ].

it’s like an itching quality that i find to be rather irksome.

i don’t know why i get rather turned off by such people when in fact, i was once like that too, when i was in my younger years [ not that i’m that old, but twenty-two isn’t that young anymore ].

 

and well, i do feel sorry for feeling that way about those people. because i know that it’s not that there’s anythng so darn wrong with them, it’s jst that there’s somethng that’s wrong with me.

 

it’s personal, myself and i

we got some straightening out to do

 

 

and so sometimes it’s not that easy for me in thngs that may be easy for some people.

because we all have our own stories, our own scars and our own memories ♣