oh my god.
i can hardly believe what i had to go through today.
after a hell of a long day, we finally managed to get the sought-after EIA report.
we even had to skip today’s afternoon class jst for this.
i hate it when that happens. feels like i’m missing out on things.
i hate cutting class. it makes me feel stupid less informed.
because there are things which i can only understand through my classes themselves, not through other people who attend those classes.
it’s different when you’re learning it in class and when you’re learning it frm other people who’s still learning it [ just like you are ].
anyway, it all started this afternoon.
we had to travel far and to several places too, all in one day.
we even went as far as to the local authority, the police head office and even the fire department.
and the unfortunate part is that a lot of those locations simply refuses to share with us the report, on the basis of government policy of confidentiality [ or whatever(!) ].
i mean, if you work for the public, and you serve the public, then the public’s best interest is supposed to be at heart.
our team were seeking those EIA reports solely for educational purposes, because we are supposed to be working with the public for the public later on too, when we deal with things such as these in the field.
what is so wrong about sharing an EIA report, which by the way is usually not even confidential to various private companies and consultancy(?) it’s not like we’re gonna pick every little bit out and sold them off. we are just students who were supposed to study it. which part of studying did they not understand(?)
isn’t an environmental impact assessment report made for the sustenance of the environment as well as the public’s well-being (?) why on earth is there a need to keep it private (?)
if a policy of the government [ which is supposed to uphold the public’s best interest at heart ] is not beneficial to the public at large, then what is the use of such policy (?)
have we lost our better judgement to the perception that sharing knowledge means giving room for an attack(?) or are we too lost in the need to cover everything up so that our weaknesses do not show(?)
what are we, if we could not even show what we do and how we do it to the people who wishes to know and learn and be educated with our roles and performances throughout the way.
what are we, if we could not even prove that we have no qualms of showing what we do because we are doing what we should do and that we are doing it right.
if there’s nothing to hide, then why must everything be so private and confidential like all the time(?)
does the public not have the right to know, to learn, and to understand(?)
sometimes when it gets too difficult i even wonder why we even try.
owh, and i think the most strange part of today would probably be the fact that after a long, long day, when we finished going to all those places and are about to make our way back, we got on the phone and found out somethng about the EIA reports and that lecturer.
*details shall not be disclosed*
the same lecturer who made us go all the way out there today just to search for that darn report.
we’re like speechless (?)
and i’m so angry angry mad angry at someone.
why do you always tell me things when i’m in the midst of things and when my life is tumbling upside down [ which you don’t even care to ask about ] you tell me to do things for you [ at the freakin’ last minute ] and expecting it to be done for you like it’s nothing big at all.
well guess what. i have a life.
and my life isn’t exactly going great right now.
in fact, it’s a stretch of hellish-hades on earth.
but i am trying, to turn it into a piece of my heaven. i’m trying to work things out on my own [ because obviously, it’s not like you care. but whatever, i can deal with it. i know i can do it on my own even though it’s not perfect ]. and then suddenly, you pop up out of nowhere, and you tell me what to do at the very last minute, and then it’s always me who has to be sure that everythng’s done and in tip top good condition just for you.
it’s like i can’t even breathe. not only do you not understand me and my life, you even push me to adapt to you and your life.
i’m tired of being pushed into things my whole life.
just let me do what i need to do and give me room to breathe.
and i’m just so tired it’s like evrythng hurts.
hopefully i won’t forget to fetch that letter frm my teamate’s car and make a copy for our dear beloved lecturer who sent us out into the cold hard world today without a care. actually he asked for it today and if i don’t give it to him by tomorrow it’ll be my head on the job. [ because they appointed me as the group leader even when i don’t really want to ].
i don’t hate or despise being a leader, i just don’t think i’m good at it.
i’m not good enough to guide people into doing the right thng.
i’m not mr./miss.right.
becoming a leader is totally not my forte. i think i work better as a teamate. not the team head.
i’m soo exhausted.
and even that is probably an undertstatement.