i wished that there’s somethng i could do for you, but i can’t do it for you. not right now.
and i’m really sorry.
you have no idea how much it kills me to know that i can’t.
it hurts when i can’t even tell you things.
and i wished that you’ll feel better as long as i’m listening, but you don’t.
it’s like you’re not even trying. to feel better.
and whatever i do doesn’t seem to be enough. for you.
i want to help you feel better, i really do.
but you’re not making it any easier for me.
you don’t even know the kinds of thngs that i go through right here right now, but that doesn’t matter anyway.
this isn’t about me.
this is about you.
i can’t promise you anythng but you know i will try.
i hope you know that i will try.
because you don’t seem to know that.
you seem to think that every single thing in ths world is going against you including me.
well you know what.
things could get better, or they could get worse.
but you can be anything you want yourself to be.
this isn’t the single most awful thing happening – ever, it’s a small rough patch of thorns for now, but you know that you’ve been through worse, and you could get through it this time, because you’re made of more than just that piece of flesh that resides in your chest, you’re made of all different kinds of amazing thngs and you can do wonders if you’ll just let yourself breathe.
you can do better. and feel better.
and be better.
this is your beginning.
you can hold it in your hands and feel good about it.
i’m happy that i can occasionally calm myslf down enough to make my own decisions even when my heart’s screaming in my chest.
it hurts a litle when you can’t communicate how you feel to the people around you, not because you don’t know how to, but because you feel it’s better not to.
i don’t want anyone to feel obligated to be with me if they knew the secret whispers of my heart.
it’s crazy, but one of the thngs that i fear, is people sticking with me out of obligation.
that’s why, i hardly ever tell people to wait for me, or stay with me, or eat with me or talk to me, because i don’t want them to feel obligated to be with me.
i want them to want to be with me, if they ever decide to be with me. i want them to want to stay because they want to, not because they feel obligated to.
i don’t think it’s okay to tie people down in their attempt to fulfil what they deemed as an obligation.
despite all of that, for some odd reason there are some people who’ve stuck with me until now.
they wait for me, and stay with me, and eat with me, and talk to me. they know what i like or don’t like, and they put up with me.
and they don’t quite know it, but i am always so grateful of them for being here. with me.
i never say it directly, but with them, i don’t really mind doing the thngs that i don’t like. because they’re them, and i’m me, and i know that it’s okayy to do thngs that i’m not used to, because sometimes they go through thngs that they’re not used to too, because of me.
and so it’s strange how despite of all that it’s still hard for me to put into words how i feel, even when i’m around them.
putting it here feels so much easier, so much better, than actually saying it verbally to any one of them.
and they don’t even know it.
or know this.