All posts for the month September, 2009

like i don’t feel

Published September 30, 2009 by crystalights


after a whole day of working your souls’ limits off, sleeping would be what’s needed. but that would be jst plain boring – at a moment like this.

so, this is how i unwind.

try and find somethng to read while i figure out a way to write.




today was crazy-hectic-nerve-wrecking [for reasons which shall not be disclosed].

i will not curse [or cuss] now. not here.


but i believe

that there is a time for everyone.

and at times i get surprised by creatures who would put themselves before the colony.



what are your intentions, exactly(?)

 i would really like to know.



is this the way that it should be (?)



does it look like i don’t feel a thing (?)


do you not know (?) how much i bleed in moments like these (?)




don’t answer that.


i don’t need you to tell me what i don’t wanna hear.



Published September 27, 2009 by crystalights


this is strange.

but you’re missing again.

it hasn’t even been 24 hours.


i have a headache and i tried sleeping but just when i was about to doze off the phone rings.

and of course i have trouble going back to sleep when i wake up like that. surprised out of my slumber.


but still, you’re missing.


and talking becomes awkward.

this is jst so uncomfortably awkward.


or is it that i’m the one who missed out on all of you (?)


this headache’s killing me.



and you’re missing.

and no one seems to be around now.


and evrythng feels so dull. dreary. and dry.

the ugly truth.

Published September 27, 2009 by crystalights




that was.. surprising (?)

if it works for you, then.. have fun (?)


i don’t really think it’s a big deal, it looks more like a popularity game than a blogging domain.

but.. whatever (?). it’s okayy. and some people like that sort of thing, so it’s fine.

i have nothing against it.


but don’t you think that it’ll be better if our lives are not for show (?)

not the little kinds of shows, it’s the huge award-winning kinds of shows.

the one where you become your own newsflash in your own predesigned bulletin.

where it’s an extravaganza production with you as the leading role.

the star of the play.

it’s like broadway, isn’t it?

does that appeal to you?

to have even the tiniest most intimate pieces be put on display – and what more by your own hands.

and your fingertips rule that little realm you’re so accustomed with.

and the crowd cheers aloud while you walk that walk and talk that talk in your own little kingdom on that platform.

this is the life.

do you know what people say (?)

that sometimes your enemy may know you better than your friends (?)

because enemies don’t hold back on the real deal.

they just roar – head on.

they throw at you what we call reality.

the ugly truth that your friends may have kept so well hidden.



a few hours ago i thought that i might have ruined somethng to a possibly unimaginable extent that even the thought of damage control feels a little far-fetched.


but then i got home and figured out that it didn’t happen that way, so i’m soo relieved it’s like indescribable.

moral of the story is that : anythng can happen. to anyone.

and maybe.. no amount of preparation and precaution could be enough to prepare you and caution you frm what’s to come.



yes. i got home (again).

there was a change of plans.. we were supposed to travel to return to campus after the hari raya travelling, but then dad decided to come back home tonight, and leave for our campus tomorrow morning after sunrise [awal gile].


the hari raya travelling was fun.. owh, and my sister and i went for a movie on friday night.

mvie starts at 9.00p.m but we bought the tickets at around 9.06. then ran around looking for theatre 7. and rushed to the 7th floor. finally arrived and sat down – seat nmbr 7 [and 6]. it was crazy. when we finally sat down the movie’s already started, but fortunately we didn’t miss anythng big.

except for well, probably the opening scene.


and it was “the ugly truth”. the kind of movie that would probably be really embarassing for you to watch with your other half [if you get what i mean]. you see, the best way to enjoy a movie is probably one where you don’t even know what the story is about – buy tickets on the spot, and rush in. i didn’t know that it’s that kind of movie. haha. but not that “that” kind of movie. double haha.


go find out yourself.



and i like the love-hate relationship sort of thing.

it’s kinda refreshing.



owh owh

i have to go to sleep.

people are asking.


i’m going like now.


sleepy morning

Published September 24, 2009 by crystalights


it’s almost dawn – i didn’t sleep the whole night.

well at least i finished packing [except for this cmputer. not yet, but soon].


i’m so sleepy.

but bcause it was already late last night i didn’t want to wake up late if i sleep right away.

so i decided to get some thngs done while i waited until morning.


oh dear. i’m soo sleepy i can barely feel my skin being attacked by mosquitoes.

how do people tolerate working at night the whole night?


maybe they deal with it better because there’s no mosquitoes.


okay so after leaving for the trip tomorrow, it’ll be off to campus over the weekend.


i’m probably gonna have a hard time being unstressed and undepressed.


but whatever.


we live through our pain.



so erm.. good morning?

and have a good day.


hopefully your days will be better than mine ^__^

leaving and breathing and not needing.

Published September 24, 2009 by crystalights


we’re leaving for the “hari raya travelling” tomorrow morning.

i haven’t even started packing up.


i have to pack up to return to campus too.

i won’t be coming back home after that, it’ll be straight to my campus by the end of this week.

i can hardly believe it’s that fast.

i can hardly breathe.




this is random.

but isn’t everyone beautiful in their own way(?)


sometimes i think i don’t really agree with the “fashion police” thingy.

criticizing in terms of fashion what people choose to wear  = not cool.




and owh.

i’m watchng a show right now.

and i remembered someone. a friend.

we used to watch this a lot togther.


i rarely watch it without you, you know.

just so you know.

i hope you still like it.



it’s like that feeling of needing to sleep but wanting to stay awake.

like an aftertaste after a sweet sweet bar of chocolate.

you still sense that taste.

but it’s no longer that sweet. just bland and heavy.

but maybe still pleasant. for some people.



i don’t want to lean on you.

not so much.

the idea of that dependency could possibly eat me alive.



and i think you do undrstand that, don’t you?

i hoped you did.

because even when you don’t, you sound like you do. sometimes.



because i don’t want to feel like i am always somethng that you have to do.

like a chore.

a job.

a duty.

an obligation.

i don’t want to be your responsibility.

you don’t have to be responsible for me. of me. upon me.

you don’t have to.

you just don’t have to.

i won’t allow myslf to be this.



that’s why it’s always been a no for that extended hand.

a no for evrythng coming at your expense.



i need to know that i can do things on my own.


and you


you need to know that i can do things on my own too.



so believe me when i say that there’s nothing wrong with you.


it’s just that this is my battle.



i can fight my own battle



i wage my own wars.

i make my own decisions.


so i think


i can fight my battle on my own.

Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir & Batin~

Published September 22, 2009 by crystalights


it’s chicken for lunch today and i’m excited!

because hari raya = beef rendang [almost all the time].


what am i up to?

we went to visit some people.. but i have to wait another few days until we can finally really travel and go visit our relatives [bcause of the accomodations thingy (it’s complicated)].


so now.

i have to get a few thngs done before the next few days come, bcause once it comes i don’t think we’ll be able to do anythng else. it’ll be a whirlwind of thngs [and then of course. class starts next monday].*pouts*


owh, and by the way, i hate this.

it feels a bit like my hari raya is being postphoned.

it’s difficult. to do somethng else the first half of the week and then only after that can i go and have my hari raya moment jst travelling, and then immediately after that : returning to campus.


it’s jst dissapointing.


but thngs jst happened and i guess we’ll jst patiently wait until tomorrow or the day after that for thngs to finally resume its course.


so okay.





and to evryone celebrating this festivity,

Selamat Hari Raya~

Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

maafkanlah kalau ape2 yg dtg dari mulut ini dan jari-jemari ini dan hati ini dan mata ini mengundang kelukaan di hati.

semoga dipertemukan kebahagiaan yg dicari.

utk semua.

utk kita.







to evryone.

thank you♣