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All posts for the month October, 2009

in your eyes

Published October 30, 2009 by crystalights

 

oh dear, my mascara is staining my eyes..

 

i was anxious about tday, and treated it like it was the ULTIMATE real thing

so i thought about looking more..presentable.

and hence the eye applications.

 

make-up is soo troublesome [ even if it was just a little dab, here and there ].

 

today was.. okayy.

it wasn’t entirely nerve-wrecking. turns out that there’s still some stuff to be done.

 

so.

i need to do jst 1 more thing for that. [but that’s okay, i think].

 

but now i have to rethink my proposal.

rethinking FYP proposal = more literature review = more reading.

more reading [for FYP proposal] + reading [for exam] = more workload.

more workload = more pressure.

more pressure = breakdown (?)

 

that could be. possible.

 

well.

there’s this unconveyed message that i feel frm your manner of speaking.

do i look that bad?

like i am so weak and vulnerable and flawed and incapable.

like this is so unbefitting of me.

like i am so undeserving. of something good.

 

i may not have read every single book ever written, or went through every single experience of learning, or aced every single challenge unscathed, but really, do i really give-off that dim vibe?

 

cause if i do then i wonder.

 

what am i ever capable of, in your eyes (?)

.

tomorrow. is a different day.

Published October 30, 2009 by crystalights

 

i still have yet to find my sister’s blog.

 

anyway.

i’m kinda nervous for tomorrow aftrnoon’s meet.

 

wonder how it’ll go.

 

it’s probably one of my last shot in a long time, because there isn’t much time left.

*is hopeful*

 

suddenly i feel so small.

because i can’t

Published October 29, 2009 by crystalights

people are disappearing.

i can feel a headache coming on..

the truth is,

i don’t wanna be near you, for now.

i don’t wanna feel this weird feeling.

it’s crazy.

and maybe i’m crazy.

i have so much in my mind that you can’t possibly comprehend the gravity of this situation.

i feel sick.

but you’re so unflawed.

so strong and sturdy and right.

so damn right that it kills me.

so much.

i don’t wanna be any more connected to the strings linking to you and your life.

because this isn’t right.

and i hate to be wrong.

kryptonite.

Published October 28, 2009 by crystalights

i woke up to the sound of airplanes during the day and i wonder : since when is my home near or within any airport or flight path [dh mcm kes bukit subang 1 dh ni].

great.

what am i doing, looking at my own home like an EIA auditing site.

eeww.

major meltdown.

 

anyway.

 

i guess i’m sorry.

 

i don’t mean to become your perception of unfulfillment.

things just happened.

and i can’t, i don’t have anythng left to fix it the way you want it, because i just can’t.

i can’t fulfill your expectations.

because i crack.

i break under immense pressure.

i’m not superman.

though i can’t say the same for you being my krptonite.

 

you’ll always be that.

 

especially when you spoke to me of anothr soul’s strength,

it feels a lot like you’re highlighting my weakness.

even underneath the warmth of the bright lights, i will always be flawed. 

and you’ll always be my kryptonite.

 

sometimes flying sounds better when you have a place to land on.

clarity.

Published October 27, 2009 by crystalights

 

i’m not sure what’s happening, but i think i need to sort things out in my head.

okay.

 

my HIRARC (Hazard Identification Risk Analysis Risk Control) in a people-to-people situation:

 

what is my intention?

i don’t mean any harm.

 

what exactly am i trying to do?

salvaging a situation [i hope].

 

who will be inflicted?

someone probably will, but it won’t be severe compared to not doing anything.

 

what will this amount to? what is it meant to be for?

clarity. that’s the only justification.

 

is it for self-gain or for the common good?

i would say both. because it all counts down to 1 thing : clarity. not only in terms of what i see for myslf and the pple around me, but what the people around me see of me and everybody else. evryone’s entitled to their own Riparian rights.

 

do you think you’re doing the right thing?

maybe right for me but not necessarily right for evrybody else. what’s truly right is not for me to decide. but this is partly instinctual, partly decisive consideration. it’s not the best but i’ll just settle for 2nd best for now.

 

will the impact be huge?

depends on the source of impact. it’s not supposed to be huge when in the right hands, the right ones for the right job.

 

if the impact is huge, what can be further done?

speaking the truth. no, a better version of the truth. maybe not the whole truth but a taste of some kind of truths just enough to keep things down.

 

would things have been better when there’s lesser clarity?

not particularly. but it’s possible. however in the end it depends on the view and who’s viewing it.

 

what contributed to the decision?

consideration of circle strength and priority. some jeopardizing elements just needs to be taken care of.

 

what is this, a camouflage?

not really. it’s just a principle of control.

 

what if it’s not done this way?

then there would probably be insignificant damages – if no party were ever to utter a word. but because there’s no guarantee for that then there’s always a possibility for significant damages. therefore, like i said : we’ll jst take the 2nd best thing.

 

what does that make me?

someone who’s treading on a narrow line which is curved in several different directions. someone who has very little to be proud of, very little to feel virtuous frm. someone on the brink of figuring out people but with the price of people itself. someone who refuses the idea of betrayal, but puts out somethng almost close to that idea – but really not quite. this isn’t betrayal, it’s a mere rephrasing, and keyword : clarity. it’s a reliving of the same tale, but in a much different perspective.

 

will this work?

maybe not, but it’s not wrong to hope that it will.

 

will it last?

probably not, but it’s not wrong to try.

 

am i saying someone else is wrong because i want to be right?

no, i’m saying that in a situation such as this, someone else couldn’t be more right than i was. not that someone else is more wrong than i am, but still, that makes all the difference, i guess. it is afterall my right to be right because i know it is. does someone else know it the way i do? the wrongness or the rightfulness of it? because i believe i have a right if it is my soul which is trapped and my hands which is connected to the tale. then my rights must not be the same as someone else whose soul isn’t anywhere near there or whose hands aren’t anywhere connected to it. there IS a difference. it’s a matter of seeing.

 

does this relate to people outside your circle?

i don’t think so.

 

so what is this?

this is a sorting out process for my restless heart and mind. it has no relation with any soul outside the fort. it’s like the deepest end of the ocean. only for the related minds.

 

okayy.

i think i’m done here.

like i said this is really a piece of the mind.

no offence intended, nobody’s involved.

this is roughly how my mind works in some kinds of situations.