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All posts for the month December, 2009

just the living undead

Published December 31, 2009 by crystalights

 

tak tersisa untuk diriku

habis semua rasa di dada

selamat tinggal kisah tak berhujung

kini ku kan berhenti berharap

 

i have my tears to accompany me all the way home.

if i can call this a home.

home is where the heart is.

 

but my heart is not here.

i am tired of everything.

just when i thought that i could finally breathe, life comes and took the air out of me.

is this what i am?

the living undead?

sbb tu la org tak nk bukak pc.

tak nak blog pn mlm ni.

atau chck ape2.

because evrerything just drains the life out of me.

so td mntak tlg la someone else check kan.

tpi msg2 tk rspond plak.

time2 mcm ni la semua m.i.a.

cube klw aku yg m.i.a.

msti kene berbakul2 punye la.

biasela tu.

evrything is always my fault.

so maybe

it is my fault that my life is like this

camane eh.

what can i do?

this is something i have to live with.

even if it means i’m spending the last night of 2009 crying my hearts out.

hopefully it’s enough to make me sleep.

because everything feels a little bit too much for me to bear right at this moment.

and i feel like i might jst be losing it.

♦ 

mcmane nk tido

dlm hati rsaukan hari esok

dan hari-hari yg seterusnya

it’s not possible for me

not to care

 

maybe it’s jst that i

am not a good person.

and i

don’t have a good heart.

that’s why my heart can’t warn me enough before something happens.

and what more at a time like this

when i thought that i could spend the last few hours of 2009 in peace.

i know that this too will pass

but somehow i just can’t seem to let this go

you can’t heal me

and my pain.

no one can.

no one would.

no one will ever be.

i don’t think i believe in people as much as i believe in inanimate objects with no soul.

because no soul could heal me.

not unless you’ve been where i’ve been and not feel what i feel.

so

no thanks for the almost convincing distraction.

life is for the living

even if it’s jst the living undead.

are we the same

Published December 30, 2009 by crystalights

 

pas tu dier ckp : tipu aje laa.

mcmane nk bwat.

nk menipu pn susah.

pnat.

sgt pnat.

i don’t mean to lie,

but maybe sometimes u don’t deserve the truth.

wlwpn skrg ader rse mcm sparuh mnyesal,

tpi nk bwat mcmane lg eh.

time tu tak smpat nk control. m’mng dh t’lepas.

bcause i can’t think that well when i’m clouded with emotions.

my stupid broken heart

 

i said what i felt was the truth, maybe not the whole truth but that was actually the truth, you know.

i have to protect my best interest at heart.

i may be heart-reckless and not realize that sometimes i do wear my heart on my sleeve.

i may lack hindsight when there’s too much pressure.

but

we’re jst ordinary people

we don’t know which way to go

 

i may not know evrythng tht some other people might already know.

i may not even be capable of a lot of things tht some other people might already be capable of.

‘coz we’re ordinary people

maybe we should take it slow

 

i’m jst going along with thngs, tryng to seek some things that i could learn.

i’m only tryng to do the little thngs that i have to do jst so that i could get past this and move on.

i don’t think i’m destined for greatness.

i am only walking down this path to discover where it could lead me to.

how does it feel

to be different from me

are we the same ?

 

but you do thngs better than i can ever do.

you shine all the way through

and the contrasting shades reveal all my imperfections and all your perfections.

i need you to know that

i am not amazing. or good. or perfect.

i am not even close to what you are.

i am just trying

to not run away

from who i am.

black dog, red collar.

Published December 28, 2009 by crystalights

 

i know i promised [myself] that i would take care of myself

but tonight i’m jst too tired to eat and wait until the food’s digested bfore i can go to sleep.

i wanna go and sleep now, but after such a tragedy i feel a bit too ruffled-up to sleep.

it was a black dog with a red collar.

the fact that the dog has a collar is of course, probably another indication of how people don’t take care of the animals that they call their pet.

apparently, this negligence has caused this dog to kiss my butt.

i should be thankful that it’s not a bite.

but i was really shaken-up by this whole ‘dog-chasing’ action that i screamed and broke down on the street, jst outside my gates [and alerted the row of houses. some people came out and chased it away].

but alas. i still cried my hearts out and had to make a statement.

i was whimpering and saying things like “please take care of your dogs” like a few times and things like “why” and “i don’t need dogs” while crying on that street.

it was so darn dramatic.

but bcause this wasn’t the first time that those dogs came near me and my residence, i felt like it was a major disturbance.

if i have the opportunity and energy i could have filed a report with the local authority under the LGA 1974 as a case of ‘nuisance’.

but bcause i’m jst a hopeless student who’s currently struggling with almst evrythng, that wouldn’t be the case. for now.

now, apart frm being traumatized for a good chunk of my upcoming lifetime, i have to figure out a way to not feel like shit evrytime i leave my gates to go to work and evrytime i leave work to return home.

once again i HAVE to say :

DO NOT TAKE AN ANIMAL FROM SOMEWHERE TO BE PUT UNDER YOUR CARE IF THAT ANIMAL IS NOT CARED FOR. LEAVE THEM AT THEIR PLACE OF ORIGIN OR THEIR INITIAL LOCATION WHERE THEY COULD BE CARED FOR BY PEOPLE WHO CARE INSTEAD OF BEING WITH PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT THAT THEY CARE BUT IN REALITY NEGLECT THE NECESSARY CARING OF THEIR ANIMALS AND CAUSES THESE ANIMALS TO BECOME A NUISANCE AND A THREAT TO THE PUBLIC.

if you cannot care for your own animal, then put them in the care of the parties that care.

you don’t have to become an animal and let your animal be a public threat and nuisance to evryone.

some animals that are neglected raises an even bigger issue in terms of public sensitivity.

i have my religion and beliefs and dogs are not animals that we can touch randomly.

so please.

take care of your dogs.

personalized. in my own words.

Published December 25, 2009 by crystalights

 

awful. terrible headache.

but wthout painkillers the only way to deal with it would be sleeping.

but i don’t wanna sleep at this time of the day, it’ll leave me wide awake at night.

and i have to be able to sleep at night.

bcause i can’t stand being awake and in fear.

i have to be sure that i can sleep after dark.

that’s why i usually hold back my sleep and wait until it’s night time.

i don’t turn the lights off when i sleep alone unless i’m at home in my own bed.

it’s either that, or i keep the door open.

so that it doesn’t feel like it’s too dark, or too suffocating.

if it gets too frightening i talk on the phone, or listen to someone talk on the phone, until one of our batteries run out. until there’s nothing left to say i still listen, even if nothing is said as long as someone’s there at the other end of the line i still listen. even if it’s just background noise i still listen.

and that is why sometimes i don’t call people

because it will be difficult to hang up.

i don’t really hang up on people, unless somethng else is really demanding my attention.

i don’t make missed calls, i don’t really send forwarded text messages.

i’ll call if i need to call, i’ll send my own words as text messages if i need to text. whether it’s jst some common greetings or special occassions, i write my own text. most of the time.

and the same goes for my emails.

evrythng’s usually personalized. by me in my own words.

no matter how trivial they may seem, i will respond in my own way if ever i feel the need to.

it depends a lot upon how i feel about it.

i can rewrite a whole entry that i’ve lost, word by word and make it into the exact same thing, the exact same entry again.

if it’s somethng i feel so strongly about,  i can capture it and put it into words again, even if i’ve already lost it. 

just like how i can remember and describe a scene that highly affects my feelings.

just like how i can remember words that people say to me that leaves an impact on what i feel.

just like how i can hardly let go when someone inflicts pain upon me.

because i remember.

i may not remember everything, but i will remember all the little scars and the huge ones.

and the little things that i’ve lost and the bigger ones. 

so even though it takes me a very long time to forgive, i may eventually forgive someone.

but forgetting is a totally different thing.

because even then, i remember.

so i guess it’s not exactly a clean slate for a person when they apologize.

because the past is a history, and histories are meant to be remembered.

the past doesn’t really disappear just because someone decides to start anew.

evrythng has a price.

whether it’s in blood, sweat, or tears. or material things.

there’s always somethng else, for something in return.

not that i hold grudges, i just tend to feel a little bit cautious, a little more wary.

because if somethng happens once there is no guarantee that it will not happen again.

and in a way, i am taking care of myself.

i trust myself to take care of my own things. my own self.

no matter how awful things could become and no matter how i tend to forget, at the end of the day i do try to look after myself.

i may fail at that, time and time again but when the time comes i’ll try and pull myself together so that i can at least scrape by and live.

dlm dunia ni takde bnda pn yg senang

mungkin sbb bnda yg senang takde harge.

perlu ke dicari yg tak berharge?

i’m tired of feeling tired.

you can do whatever you want.

but i am not anybody’s emergency exit.

tomorrow

Published December 25, 2009 by crystalights

 

i know i’m being stupid, but can i just let this weekend pass?

i’m not usually like this, but i jst wanna spend some time away frm work and studies.

just doing silly thngs like a 22 year old girl could and would do.

i need some ‘me’ time.

so tomorrow.

let’s go for a movie!

and eat an extensive meal for breakfast-lunch-dinner.

and a sleepover.

i just..needed a break.

bfore i come back to the harsh realities of my unaccomplished life.

me myself and i

Published December 24, 2009 by crystalights

 

i hurt my fingers. even chipped away some skin.

and now they’re all red.

why?

bcause i was trying to open my 5.5L mineral wtr bottle.

and the lid just refused to budge.

i had to pry it open with a knife. and a can cutter.

stupid bottle and its stupid packaging.

i almost yelled for help, but it’s not like there’s anyone around.

so i jst worked my way through it – because i really needed some drinking water.

the one in the kettle’s too hot.

and owh.

why oh why does the cat has to go scratchng on top of the fridge.

it’s so distracting.

and LOUD.

and just ewww.

i don’t really have a problem with cats. it’s jst that i have a problem with cats that aren’t bathed and cleaned [even when they are supposedly someone’s pet]. the cat was scratching itself AGAIN. can’t you at least do the cat a favour and give it a wash?

don’t expect anyone else to do it, you’re the master. it’s your cat. or in this case, catS.

i can’t believe i even told your cat off.

what am i crazy now

talking to a scratching cat.

pathetic.

but there isn’t really anyone left.

just me, myslf and i.

and those cats.

locked away.

Published December 24, 2009 by crystalights

 

yesterday.

i slipped and fell. in that empty house.

and no one was around.

it hurts like hell and i slowly got up. trying to sense if anythng’s broken.

i felt disgusted with that floor so i took a shower.

and changed into my favourite sleepwear. hoping to console myself.

i almost called someone but something tells me not to.

just like all those times before, when something happens.

i’ll try and bear with it for as long as i can.

as long as i can keep it.

as long as no one adds any pressure

then i’ll learn to live with what i can keep. locked away.