All posts for the month January, 2010


Published January 31, 2010 by crystalights


seriously if you really want to care you can do anything within your power to actually care.


if you don’t then you won’t.


no excuse



the past couple of days i have:

  • done the laundry. twice.
  • cleaned up my room.
  • went shopping for some food/groceries
  • paid the rent
  • bought tickets to return home
  • bought new sandals to wear to work
  • stitched up my office wardrobe
  • saved and sent that map


i only have to start ironing my outfits for tomorrow’s work.


but for now.

i don’t feel like doing anythng.


can you believe that i somehow went to 2 different malls in one day yesterday and i didn’t even get myself any sort of fast food?

not even take-away.


i was distracted with something it consumed all my attention.


the place that i currently live in makes it almost impossible to get any meals at night or the early evening.

i kinda live on biscuits and bread [at night].

and sometimes when i get back i’m just too tired to eat.

and too lazy to even boil some water.


and well one thing about working in the office.

i can’t just binge on food, it’s easier to starve than to really eat.

they’re nice people but they have this tendency to laugh about people who weigh more than them.

it’s like a private joke or something.

i don’t think they really mean any harm, but sometimes i was just saying some random things that i saw among the people in the office and then they somehow managed to laugh or joke about someone who isn’t light like them.

you know?

even though their idea of humour doesn’t involve me, i do feel sorry for all the people who were laughed at unknowingly.

it’s not that appealing to laugh at people bcause of their size.

isn’t that superficially discriminating?

i don’t know.

maybe they don’t mean it in an insulting way, but if it keeps going on then do they really not mean it?

evrytime they laughed at someone’s size i just become startled and went quiet.

sometimes i just smiled and turn away.



it’s not a great feeling.


home alone

Published January 30, 2010 by crystalights


well, that was something.


maybe it’s a sign.


if i can put up with this then maybe i can put up with leaving the country (?)

yeah right.

yelah tu.


screaming on the phone in the middle of a train station.

that is not what people call putting up with things.


i really have to work on my anger management skills.


sometimes, i don’t think i’m being honest.

sometimes, being honest is dangerous.

and i don’t like things that are dangerous.

i can tolerate serious, or  mysterious, but not dangerous.


right now i’m trying to ignore the fact that i’m the only one here in this house tonight.



it’s like

i don’t feel safe anywhere.

not that it matters when you’re just pretending


happening happenings [part 2]

Published January 29, 2010 by crystalights


what i’ve done for the past couple of days:

  1. updated my supervisor by (e)mail
  2. the w.t.p visit may not be this week.
  3. contacted the d.h.o. (1 response : appointment is set).
  4. formulas are secured (1 response: formula is sent).
  5. test scales are still pending (1 response: permission to use differnt scales obtained).
  6. hearts are partly broken (but very gently)
  7. north port report is submitted but is received again to be translated (results: translation done).
  8. sent my claim form for january to level 9.

nice things happened:

  1. someone put a plate of sliced cake on my table yesterday. it was a few people’s birthday  in the ofice (2 person, 3 cakes from 2 shops) and other delicacies.
  2. received some news frm a distant friend.


okay. i think that’s about it for now.

story of a heart.

Published January 28, 2010 by crystalights


but isn’t there a better way of saying things?

isn’t there a better way of getting your point accross?


bukankah kiter diajar utk mengajak kepada kebaikan dgn cara yg berhemah?


berderet-deret datang.

tercarik, tercalar hati.


luka-luka kecil yg baru.


klau manusia boleh baca hati, mungkin hati kita akan dpt dilindungi.

tapi di alam realiti

tak akan ada perlindungan utk yg bernama hati.

not much of a difference

Published January 28, 2010 by crystalights



you don’t think i could be right.


you don’t take me seriously.


but you ridiculed me.


you are so certain that i couldn’t be right that you ridiculed me and my ability to understand.


what is the difference between you and anybody else.


i assumed that there was a difference



i’m done.

happenings happening.

Published January 26, 2010 by crystalights



fast forward to what i’ve managed to do for the past 2 days:

  1. called my supervisor for an update
  2. considering the date for the w.t.p. visit.
  3. attempting to contact the d.h.o to set up an appointment (but response is still pending)
  4. attempted to nudge someone to send me a set of formulas that i may need (but response is still pending)
  5. attempted to reconsider the test scales that i will be using for my f.y.p. (which, unfortunately requires more rsearch and more time bcause of the sudden unconfirmed change of plans).
  6. contemplated on how to not break someone’s heart
  7. reviewed last week’s north port warehouse inspection (and is still in the process of re-editing. seems like someone doesn’t wanna lose out and put his name on top of mine in that report. yeah, whatever).


although it’s painfully exhausting, a lot of strangely nice things did happen though. well;

  1. someone offered me a place to stay and that i could get to the office with them
  2. someone brought their meal frm home and offered me breakfast
  3. my dad laughed at my attempt of sounding absent-mindedly unaffected
  4. someone stayed to guard the dogs away while i unlock my front gate
  5. someone wanted to send me far far away alone for a month but couldn’t bcause i can’t drive.


so yeah.

i think that that about sums it all up. for now.