what my heart needs to say

Published January 10, 2010 by crystalights

 

i am not happy.

i try to be, but i am not.

i can’t bring myself to feel okay about it.

i thought i could, but i can’t.

i’m pretending like i’m totally unaffected by everythng.

bcause i’m a liar when it comes to these things.

i feel so unfulfilled.

i feel so lost and far away.

i poured it out and i stopped.

bcause there isn’t anythng left to let out.

nothing could fix it.

why oh why does it have to be you?

why oh why does it have to be here.

why does the roads that i take always lead me further apart frm where i’m supposed to be?

why am i even asking?

i’m faking it. this isn’t real. this ‘doing great’ thing isn’t real.

and maybe

i’m not real either.

i try to be but maybe i’m not.

but evrytime someone like you drops by, i’ll fake it again.

bcause i can’t bear to be the receiving end of your emotional assisstance.

bcause the prospect of being on my own and feeling great about it looks better. for someone like you.

bcause i can’t let you or anyone else know how i feel.

about evrythng.

bcause i can’t let you see me this way

it feels wrong.

you should not know how it’s really like for me.

bcause my heart will not allow it.

because you or anybody else can’t come in any closer

bcause you and evrybody else can’t stay.

i need a ‘forever’ thing.

bcause i could be a ‘forever’ thing.

even if it means i’ll have to wait for a decade or two

i’m not looking for fun in the sun

i’m looking for somethng that’s everlasting

permanent enough

for me to give myself away.

so yes

let me be selfish

and not care about these things

bcause how can i care about somethng which isn’t what i’m seeking?

i jst need to make that clear

so yes

even if that makes me selfish

at least that’s something that i’m not lying about.

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