All posts for the month March, 2010

best wishes & good luck.

Published March 31, 2010 by crystalights


and all of a sudden, i’m back to fangirling again tonight.


i read the transcript of the translated interview.

and went to see his channel on youtube.

maybe he’s just trying to move on now. and so is the rest of them.

i feel bad for the rest of the group too. and of course, for him.

it’s good that they’re still in contact with each other.

the whole brotherhood thing doesn’t necessarily have to dissolve over one life-altering scandal.


maybe he’s just trying to pick up the pieces and become better.

and he wishes them well too.

the cheeky guy with a great heart.


it hasn’t been easy for him (and any of them) at all.

the past few months have changed something there.


but because we don’t know what it is that has happened that caused the whole termination, then i guess we can’t say for sure that time will heal this.

at least we can hope that time could heal him. and the rest of them.


so mr.park,

all the best wishes just for you.

(and good luck with AOM in the upcoming ABDC).



the handy-girl

Published March 30, 2010 by crystalights


i don’t have the answers to everything.

sometimes i get tired. of being the one people fall back on.

i’m on my own now. isn’t everyone in this position the same as me ?

we all don’t have the answers to everything

and in that sense, we’re all the same.

so don’t make me give what little i have left for myself.

i said this before :

i can’t take care of people.

i have my hands full just taking care of myself.

mentally, emotionally, physically.

i shouldn’t be the one that anyone looks for to deliver whatever they are in need of.

i can answer. but i can’t stay and be the solution. to everything.

so just

give me a break.

from this full-time job as your handy-girl.


and that is why i feel okay being on my own.

because i’m tired of being this handy-girl. for everything.


i decide what i want for myself.

so why don’t you (?)

decide what you want for yourself by your own self.


alice in wonderland

Published March 30, 2010 by crystalights


what i don’t like about alice in wonderland (the movie):

#1. the lead actress’ tone/manner of speaking/portrayal of the lead character.

alice doesn’t whine like that. alice doesn’t really “get distracted”. she is just intrigued by the wonders of the mysterious world. it isn’t that she is extremely unfocused and has a short attention span, it’s just that she is being a child at heart and is curious and bravely adventurous in discovering the things around her.

and alice isn’t cold.

#2. the mad hatter isn’t crazy enough.

the mad hatter is mad. he isn’t supposed to be all mushy and crying and hoping and emotionally vulnerable. he is supposed to be mad.crazy.insane.

end of story.

#3. the white queen.

feels so unnatural. not unreal but unnecessarily sarcastic to the whole character of pure goodness.

#4. the plot takes a very familiar path of a “good vs evil” battle.

and here goes another story with another fighting for the good of the good side.



the red queen is truly convincing.

and the effects are effectively good.


i understand that the whole thing came out probably as a venture through creative license to produce a very different version of what we’ve always known alice to be.

although such attempts are welcomed, this is what i have identified as a twisted (but not quite slash) version of alice in wonderland.

therefore, maybe it should be promoted as such (?)

the whole idea is just so that it does not put hopes to people like me who isn’t looking for something like this when i stood in line at the ticket counter.

the rest of the world seemed to like it though, congrats for that.

but i don’t think i did.





Published March 30, 2010 by crystalights


bju putih dah basuh (tgn).

tinggal baju colour je (mesin).


rase ngantok teringin nak tido.

tapi belom hbis basuh bju, sapu depan, siram pokok ngan masak.


so domesticated.

 tapi bygkan rase hati aku buat keje2 mcm ni at a house which isn’t my home.

i wanna go home.

sbb tu aku tak senang hati bile tgok people b’kasar dgn their maids.

bukannye aku ni maid ke aper, mungkin aku tak lah begitu memahami. tapi ingat snang ke nak duduk jauh dari rumah sendiri dan bekerja dan tinggal di rumah org lain dlm mase yg begitu panjang dlm keadaan diri dikasari.

it’s like you’re in a full time job with no breaks or holidays and you actually have to live at your workplace with people giving you a hard time from morning to night.

kesian kt maid tu.


maid or not

di sisi tuhan, bukan ke kiter sume manusia?


me as a mommy

Published March 29, 2010 by crystalights


satu hari di halaman rumah kamu

aku yg dh siap2 m’nyapu halaman depan pun isi la air dlm penyiram bunga tu.

sambil2 menyiram pokok, tibe2 kamu dtg

dh mati dh ni. hbisla (saye) kene marah ngn umi.

kenape tak siram?

sebab nenek suruh kakak.


nenek tak cakap ape2 pun (ngn kakak).

tapi kakak (ni) siram la jugak.

tapi xxx yg ader kt rumah, xxx la yg patotnye siram.

keje kakak jage xxx, bukannye jage pokok ni

bukannye salah kakak klau pokok ni mati.

kakak slalu balik lambat, patutnye org yg balik awal la yg siram.

klau nak tnggu kakak je, mati la pokok ni.


sedap je mulut ni membebel..

skali toleh2 je, t’nampak nenek duduk kt ruang tamu.


rasenye nenek kamu tu ngn pak su kamu skali dh t’dengar kakak membebel.


sorry la nenek, tapi nak buat camane.

tak dapat tahan hati bile dgar org mcm nak menyalahkan saye psl hal2 yg bukan kerja/tanggungjawab saye.

dh la selamber gile org tu (hampir) setiap hari suruh saye buat. siap bagi instruction mesti sapu (daun2 kering dulu) ngan kene siram skali pokok yg seberang jalan tu lgi.

(mcm la pokok2 yg sedia ader ni tak ckup byk).

pokok2 kluarge nenek tu memang banyak.

(daun kalau sepetang gugur pun dh bleh berterabur sparuh halaman rumah).

saye ni dh la tak brape gemar bab2 berkebun/jage2 pokok ni.

pokok kt rumah saye sendiri pun saye tak siram. 

mak ngn ayah pun tak pnah sruh saye siram. (agknye sbb dh tahu perangai anak dier yg sorang ni).

pokok kaktus org hdiahkan pun pnah mati kt tgn saye.

aper la yg ader pada saye yg bleh slamatkan pokok2 rumah nenek ni.


sementare ni klau psl pokok2 tu stakat nak tolong2 gitu je saye tak kisah.

tapi klau ader yg mati jugak jgn la sesape salahkan saye.

saye m’mang tak pandai jage pokok.

(dh pnah try tapi tak berjaye).

lagi baik la jgn saye yg handle pokok ni.

kang t’lepas ckp lgi kang tak sedap hati plak yg mndengar. yg berckp ni pun tak sedap hati.

sorry la nenek.

(ceh. mcm la nenek ni bace blog).

insyaAllah saye akan blah cpt2 jadi nenek pun tak pyh terase hati ngn saye nanti.



kalau kamu ni adik aku, mungkin aku tak se “gentle” ni bile dgar kamu ckp2 mcm tu.

tapi ye la, kamu ni bukan nye adik aku.

dan adik aku (rasenye) bukan lah mcm kamu.

(sorry to say that).

memangla adik aku tu ade kepale batu sikit. (bukannye baik sgt).

tapi dier agak reti bahase jugakla bile aku ckp.

bile dgn kamu ni sume terase lain.

agaknye sbb aku ni memang ibu (sementare) yg teruk kot.

tak pandai jage anak (orang).

memangla aku masak siapkan makan pakai jage kebajikan & keselamatan kamu, tandatgn kad kemajuan kamu, siapkan bekalan, pergi temankan latihan taekwando kamu (dan akan dtg majlis penyampaian hdiah kamu) tapi aku still bukan seorg yg terbaik utk kamu.

you need a mother.

not me.

aku bukan yg terbaik as a mother figure.

aku nak marah pun tak smpai hati.

last2 aku ckp. tapi tak marah.

tapi ckp aku yg makan dalam tu kan menyakitkan hati.

aku ni kan sinis.

hati kering.

mcmane nk jadi a good mother figure to you?

you need a real mother.



aku ni memang hopeless.

jadi org gaji je la aku ni.


secret compulsion

Published March 27, 2010 by crystalights


i have a secret.

(well, sort of).

i have this undying compulsion to put things in a way that people (around me) would understand.

sometimes it got to a point where i would ask questions out loud in class about things which i already know the answers to, just so that the teacher would answer them and the rest of the class who’s too shy to ask could hear her and understand.

and then high school passes.

and i’m in varsity.

and it’s almost the same with everything.

i only use short-forms which can be understood to the recepient of my text messages.

i only leave out the vowels when i’m using short forms. 

i barely use uncommon abbreviations.

i spell correctly.

i rephrase words in the form that is most understandable to people.

i make so much effort in ensuring that people understand everything that sometimes i can’t even put into words what i really wanted to express without expressing it in the way that is different than i initially intend to.

and that sucks sometimes.


and well, this compulsion doesn’t end there.

it began to creep into my common attitude towards things.

i always ensure that i tell people the why’s or how’s of the things that i choose or do or choose to do.

and it got to a point where i find it hard to speak up sometimes – because in my head i’m constantly re-arranging my thoughts so that they would come out nicely when i actually tell them to someone or anyone in a way that is reason enough for them to understand and follow.

it’s tiring!

but it’s a habit.

and today my lil sister said something about this.

she says i always take things and people too seriously.

and her idea is to just force it out on people WITHOUT EXPLAINING WHY. and and STOP coming up with reasons for everything!


i don’t know if that’s a really good idea though.


i’ll probably NOT THINK about it.


stage play and fate’s play

Published March 27, 2010 by crystalights


when i was in kindergarten, i was one of the fortunate baby ducklings in “the ugly duckling” stage play at my school’s concert day.

i had yellow feathers clipped on my head, wearing a yellow dress and fiery red lipstick.

i wasn’t scared.

i was excited.

even though i was a character with no lines.

i was happy.

we also had the aerobics group performance. i wanted to be in the fan dance performance, but somehow i ended up in the aerobics performance. the teacher put me in the front row.

when the performance day arrived, we went on stage and did our thing. (literally. our thing).

because apparently all of us kinda forgot our routines halfway through the song. so me (myself) being the frontman the girl at the front, began to move to my own reinvented steps (and the rest of the kids at the back followed).

it was a strange save.

and then suddenly

it was time for the photo-taking session (and i don’t know why i got soo nervous)

cameras were flashing everywhere and we were standing on stage according to class

i was so freaking nervous that i fidgeted, twitched and picked my nose!

it was unbelievably one of the most embarassing moments of my kindergarten life.

and the pictures all have me touching my nose!

it was horrible.

and i don’t even have a copy of those pics (because that person who took them doesn’t seem to want to share).

the thing is that when i was the baby duckling and the aerobics front-girl, i didn’t really realize that there is a hall full of people watching.

i didn’t quite realize that there is quite an audience.

it was only me in my own little 5 years old world, trying to move like a duckling. and an aerobic-loving kid.

i was only the little duckling swimming in a huge pond.

no pressure.

no self-consciousness.

but now that i’m almost 23 doing things that i have to do (whether or not i want to), sometimes i missed that innocent 5 years old little world of mine.

because when you get older, it isn’t that easy for you to speak the truth and not having to lie about everything.

sometimes i always end up wondering why i end up where i ended up in.

and maybe life is a puzzle

which may never be completed.