the last day

Published March 5, 2010 by crystalights

 

okay it’s over and done.

well i did say what i had in mind since ysterday.

but then it felt completely awkward.

my face felt so hot (i think i was blushing).

and the general manager said nice things about me in his speech.

dier ckp aku gigih, hardworking, rajin bertanya bila tak tahu, and so on..

the truth is, when was i ever like that?

and how does he even know?

it’s not like he really is around when i was doing the real bad-ass work like a manly girl. (ha ha).

he wasn’t even on site when i was.

he wasn’t there when i was the only girl in the processing plant.

he wasn’t there when i was the only girl in the safety meeting.

so now that i’m finally on my last day of my 12 week/3months industrial attachment, i feel just a tad bit relieved. but a lot more terrified.

because the life AFTER is the one that’s gonna be even more mind-bogglingly challenging.

if life is a journey

then how long does it take to arrive

?

(and i wonder if that was ever a valid question).

i seem to be skipping lunch because i’m still full frm breakfast.

i can’t go crazy like ysterday and eat again (even whn i’m not hungry) because i’ll feel so full it’d bug me the whole day.

yesterday’s food-binging was awful.

and this morning was horrible.

my last day of working and i was so damn late it was nerve-wrecking.

i’ll be leaving with a co-worker today because i need to go for a housetour at her house. haha.

because i’m supposed to babysit her kid when she goes away for 16 days in about 2 weeks’ time.

oh

i can hear people laughing frm the pantry frm here at my table .

i’d love to go and join them while grabbing a bite, but i’m just not really in the mood for some mellow farewell conversation.. AGAIN.

because i’d feel like i don’t know what to say and end up sugar-coating EVERYTHING.

like i’m jst talking for the sake of keeping up appearances. and i hate that. i’d rather not speak.

but i did anyway.

and there goes nothing.

and the “add me in facebook” statement pops up AGAIN – frm the same person.

and of course, same answer: “i don’t facebook”.

so he tells me to add him in ym.

well

i don’t want to.

because i don’t like nice guys who are soo nice to evryone (even when that everyone isn’t the ONE that carries his ring on her finger).

i think that the roots of fidelity aren’t always so secure when there are possibilities of alternative outlets such as so-called HARMLESS friendship.

when it comes to that i don’t think anything is HARMLESS.

and so i guess this is where i draw the lines.

if you’re unavailable don’t make yourself so seemingly available.

just stick to your unavailability and stop acting that you’re not. unavailable.

don’t give people the wrong ideas and complicate the tangled web of misconceptions.

because you’re not allowed to get away with it, scott-free.

nothing is free.

please pay up with whatever dignity you have left.

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