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All posts for the month April, 2010

the perfect sky

Published April 30, 2010 by crystalights

 

you’re a little late

i’m already torn

i’m okay.

even as tears stain my pillow

i tell myself that i’m okay.

.

you always fuss over things like this

but don’t you know

that it’s hard for me to say no

?

i can’t do it the way it’s always been done

i’m not like that perfect sky

.

but i want to be.

perfect.

or at least good enough for you.

.

and yet even when these tears fall it remains unseen.

.

because i want to be perfect that way.

.

at least through your eyes.

.

that’s why i call myself a liar

because with you and everybody else, the truth doesn’t matter anymore.

.

it doesn’t matter what i feel

it doesn’t matter what i see. or don’t get to see.

.

i’ve always been torn apart

like this

in so many ways

.

i’m wide awake

and i can see

the perfect sky is torn

.

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random

Published April 26, 2010 by crystalights

 

so i went down alone.

and then i don’t know why some people were staring.

sometimes i’m a messy eater (i don’t like cheating on the sauce, ha ha).

.

aku rase aku tak kisah

tapi nape ko kisah?

(ataupun aku yg prasan? ntah2 takde sape pun kisah, ha ha).

.

aku rase aku duduk kat hostel ni btol2 buat ikut suke hati aku je (mcm kt kamp0ng sndiri plak).

kdg2 gi jln trun ke libry ngn tshirt ntah zaman bile ngn muke tak berbedak ngn sluar track pas tu slipar bising aku tu (nsib baik tak kne halau ngn librarian).

tak pun gi trun kafe bawak perkakas2 aku tu pas tu mkn comot2 dpn abg burger tu (pas 2 bgun gi bli waffle plak).

agaknye dier pn pelik. budak ni tak kenyang2 ke?

ha ha ha.

.

but seriously.

kdg2 aku rase hostel ni tak logik jgak.

yela, mcm ktorg yg dh 22 and 23 somethngs ni yg hanye stay sementare mnunggu tamat semster 8 pun kene curfew pkul 11mlm mcm bdk2 underage teens.

my friend yg dh 27 pun kena jgak!

semate2 sbb kiter tinggal dlm hostel.

padahal duduk sni kn byar. bukannye free.

mkn minum sewa bulanan sume byr sendiri aper. bukannye kolej or university yg tanggung. so pesal plak nk mengarah mengehad kn kitorg ni mcm la bdk bru hbis SPM yg bru kenal dunia.

LOL.

sometimes bile kuar mkn or jumpe some friends trpakse rush balik on the road, kan bahaye cam tu.

klau kluar utk hal2 mcm tu pun bukannye dkat. jauh jgak tu nak pergi.

yela klau nk harap yg area2 sni, ape je la yg ader.

lampu jalan pun tak ckup.

.

itu blom cerita “pihak pengurusan kolej” lagi.

lagi laa rase menyirap.

.

mcm la aku ni budak skola (aku rase muke aku ni tua je).

(cume tinggi je yg tak ckup).

.

malas btol la nk bsing2.

memenatkan badan je.

.

okay.

i pay.

i stay.

just let me have my way.

and everything should be okay.

.

hmm.

tomorrow is project meeting day (with my co)

i don’t know how it’ll be (aku rase mcm aku dh rosakkan buku dier je mse buat kje2 project hari tu).

i’ll need to get it fixed tomorrow morning before i go and see her.

.

i wonder what’ll happen on wednesday (project presentation day).

.

but that will be another story to be told another time.

goodnight~

ikhlas

Published April 24, 2010 by crystalights

 

ikhlas tu datangnye dari hati yang suci.

.

suci ke hati aku ni?

.

aku rase selama ni takde satu benda pun yg aku buat yg dipertanggungjawabkan ke atas org lain.

pendek kata, semua yg aku buat adalah tanggungjawab/tanggungan/liability diri aku sendiri.

i take care of myself.

aku bukan dikutip dan ditatang dan dibela (atau dibelai) dan dipelihara atau dilindungi dari kekerasan realiti duniawi.

sumenye aku hadapi sendiri.

selain dari family aku, takde org lain pun yg berkebarangkalian berkongsi tanggungjawab ni.

sbb ini la caranye aku dibesarkan.

mak slalu ckp: jgn slalu mengharapkan org, tkut t’mkn budi.

ayah ckp: jgn ader anak2 ayah yg bergantung hidup pd org, buat semua (usaha) sendiri.

jadi aku berani ckp bahawe selain family aku, takde la aku letak ape2 beban pada bahu org lain.

ape yg dh ditetapkan, wlau mcmane berat skalipun aku cuba utk terima.

sbb ini hidup aku.

.

kawan2 dekat yg bersama aku bukannye s’kadar s’hala, kiter same2 jage satu sama lain.

sbb namenye kawan. mestila dtg dgn pakej.

bile aku buat ape2 utk kawan2, aku tak rase pn aku ni berbudi pun, sbb adat bersahabat mestila ade memberi dan menerima.

bukannye ehsan/jasa/budi/kemuliaan hati dari aku utk kawan2.

tapi sekadar menjalankan ape yg dirasakan perlu.

tuhan je yg tahu ape yg tersirat dlm hati kecil kita, dan tuhan je yg tahu ape yg sewajarnye utk kita.

klau kita rase mcm dh byk berjasa tapi tak dihargai, takpe la sbb tuhan kan ada.

aper ada pada kasih sayang manusia (?)

kasih sayang tuhan tu tak berbatas, tak bertepi.

kalau rase rugi diri kerana org lain, rugi mase kerane org lain, rugi hati nurani/peluang kehidupan/kesenangan rezeki kerana org lain, maka bukan ke lebih baik kita kembali mencari jalan yg satu (?)

sbb Dia yg Maha Mengetahui jalan yg lebih baik utk kita.

.

kalau rase tak berbaloi buat sesuatu utk org lain (hanya dpt kerugian dan sakit hati), maka lebih baik jgn dilakukan dan jgn dibuat langsung.

jgn buat kalau rase sgt terbeban.

jgn sia2kan ganjaran yg dh dijanjikan kpd kamu atas setiap kebaikan yg kamu lakukan dgn kerelaan hati kamu.

.

sbb tu la ader org kata, ikhlas itu dtg dari hati yg suci.

.

soalnye,

suci ke hati kita?

.

saya ikhlas memperkatakan tentang sesuatu utk memperbetulkan keadaan atau saya berkehendak memperkatakan tentang sesuatu utk melepaskan perasaan?

.

sejujurnya,

saya. kamu. kita.

tak mungkin akan tahu.

.

kerana ikhlas itu

tak mungkin dpt diukur.

.

i just realized that

it’s been 4 years.

and you don’t even have my email.

i’m guessing you don’t even have my phone number.

and i’m guessing you don’t even know where i live.

.

i have all that you don’t have of me

so

does that mean that all that has been said by you does not apply to me (?)

can i safely say that you have strived hard for everyone (including me) ?

because i would want to know

siape kita antara kita (?)

kalau tiada kita antara kita

tak perlu disusun kata berjela.

.

sbb semuanya tak akan membawa sekelumit makna pun.

.

derita hati org lain ader kamu tahu?

ader kamu ambil tahu?

ader kamu terpikir, dua org yg minum air dari telaga yg sama pun belum tentu dpt hilangkan dahaga yg sama.

belum tentu air se telaga kalau diminum seteguk oleh setiap org akan dpt hilangkan kehausan dalam waktu yg sama utk semua.

.

there are two sides of a coin.

aku tak buat ape yg kau cakap kan.

dan kau pun tak buat ape yg kau cakap kau dah buat (utk aku).

.

so i think it’s fair that i don’t say a word.

because have you ever spoken a word for me (?)

.

hands down, this is a pointless word emission for a pointless cause.

.

so yes

i rest my case.

.

(and because this is my blog i’ll say whatever i want to because i am not accountable for anyone or anybody else’ feelings just like no one is accountable for me and my feelings).

so

no hard feelings, eh~

.

reality tv

Published April 24, 2010 by crystalights

 

firstly i wondered, what on earth made you eligible for project alpha?

.

seriously.

.

is that blog what you call reality-tv worthy material?

the whole CAPS LOCK on ALL entries plus your questionable pictures and messy political statements mixed in with celebrity rumours as well as your diva-esque announcements about your supposedly glamorous schedule. 

its unbelievable almost to the point of being unreal.

and i have yet to see any sort of popularity appeal in there to (at least) qualify you for something like project alpha. 

.

it is strange. how any dick tom or harry can land themselves in reality tv like people would actually watch it.

.

it is strange. how reality tv becomes unreal.

.

mcm mane la org tak pandang serong kat artis malaysia.

hands down – no defense.

what on earth could ever justify something like that?

.

i wonder.

.

rants

Published April 24, 2010 by crystalights

 

i don’t wanna come up with reasons/justification/explanation/discussions right now because i still cannot accept the outcome of this analysis.

.

i will not.

.

i will try my best to work my way around it because i will not admit defeat.

.

because i can’t let it go.

.

so, yes.

everything else has to wait until i feel like it’s good enough.

i don’t care about anything else.

.

so i’ll just sleep on it tonight and start again tomorrow.

again.

another day, another battle.

i’ll probably butt heads over it with my co on monday (i don’t know if she’ll agree on the new selection).

but because it’s the weekends i can’t really talk about it with her now.

so i’ll just proceed with it first. and then i’ll try and ask her if she’s okay with it on monday.

.

but it is difficult.

and i don’t know if i can hold on.

i haven’t felt this way for a very long time.

not even during those major exams in the past.

it’s like dissapointment fading into fear and everything escapes your grasp

(but you try so hard to not let it go)

.

toughen up lil soldier!

.

just dust yourself off and try again

.

what other kinds of non-parametric test (using SPSS) that i can run for an analysis of lead concentration (the independent variable) and its health effects (the dependent variable).

non-parametric tests other than the

  1. spearman’s rank order
  2. chi square
  3. mann-whitney
  4. kruskal-wallis
  5. friedman
  6. wilcoxon signed-rank

i need answers (because i’ve tried everything else in the book, but they don’t look good enough for my project writing).

.

i’m so unsatisfied.

.

»«

.

anyway.

.

i was browsing the student portal and look what i found:

   
  Attention to all Students !!

Need your Feedback!
We are currently running a survey and we would very much appreciate if you could complete our site survey so that we may gain from your experiences and ensure that Student portal meet your specific needs.<!–All complete truthful answer will be entered into a Lucky Draw. The lucky winners will receive 2GB USB Flash Drive. The results are posted on the student portal. Please click here to complete the short survey and don’t forget to submit your student no, name, contact number together with your active e-mail addresses.–>Note: Student Portal Survey will temporarily close from 5:30pm on 23 April 2010 due to server maintenance exercise. The online-survey application will start open back on 26 April 2010. Please check back soon, apologise for the inconvenience.

follow us

Follow us on twitter to get an update.

 

 LOL!

so that you may gain from our experiences, lemme just say:

  1. congratulations on the umpteenth (thousand?) times of your life-long server maintenance activitieS. (the last time this happened, the whole course registration thing was majorly disrupted AND interrupted. well done!)
  2. to meet our specific needs, let’s start with some grammatical restructuring.  “the online-survey application will start open back” (LOL!) and offers “5GB USB to be grabs” (LOL!) .let us be reminded how you take in foreign students (and foreign cash) and announced the classy attributes of your varsity (compared to the rest) ON AND ON and all over again. way to rake in profits! good job!
  3. follow you on twitter (major LOL!) is a beautiful dream indeed.

.

come on.

you can do better than that.

considering the amount that you get to take in so luxuriously (let’s not forget the “subsidies”!), 

sentence-checking is tiny.

.

you’re not that worthless.

you can MAKE AN EFFORT and DO IT RIGHT!

you can make every SINGLE penny of payment WORTH IT!

YES YOU CAN!

.

pwned

Published April 22, 2010 by crystalights

 

LOL

and i fell for it.

i thought you were trying to reappear after your episodic disappearance but

seriously.

why do you think i totally pwned your special friend and still feel like the last unspecial being on earth?

well. some people really have that ability to increase your self worthlessness.

seriously.

grow up dawg~

if you want to feel special you don’t have to have a special across-the-continent friend to tell you special things.

you just take your effin pc/notebook and plug in the net and voila~  you have all the latest special-est things at the tips of your fingers (this is why i like net-surfing on the road).

see?

no one has to hold the part time job of keeping you informed so that you’ll feel special, because you can be your own perfectly special self without such special friend(s).

ha ha.

i am soo annoyed i’m becoming annoying too.

how could i actually believed that this time it’d be different?

i mean, coming from someone who’s been m.i.a-ing for quite a while, this has got to be the biggest, lamest, play of word exchange i’ve ever had from someone soo predictable.

i mean seriously.

i’m not in love with my country.

but i do give a damn about my country and it’s people.

and of course. all the other countries which i managed to actually give a damn about – yeah, that too.

even though there’s so much that i’m dissatisfied with in this homeland of mine, it’s still my homeland and i won’t put my home behind my girlish dreams of ever after.

i don’t think it’ll make me feel special if i can find a normal country bumpkin (like me) and spew my unlatest update that i got from my (imported) special friend about the things that my (imported) special friend supposedly knows first because said country is the origin of said update.

major LOL!

does that mean that if Man U scored a goal tonight i will only know about it tomorrow night because i don’t live in (Greater) Manchester?

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

owh.

and my point in question would be : where have you been (for the last century or so) ?

oh my god.

i am soo bitchy tonight.

maybe the dissapointment sucked all logical rationale from my hardwired brain or something.

maybe i was expecting some greatness from you.

ha ha.

what a joke.

i was actually expecting you to at least have some grace about it.

you know, at least just for the sake of keeping up appearances.

i thought you were going for that.

i mean, i kinda hoped for your genuine good intentions but wait a minute : who am i kidding?

is there even such a thing left on earth between people?

human beings can be so typically predictable, it’s inevitable.

ah well.

it’s okay.

i forgive you for falling within the normal distribution of the curve.

i just need to stop hoping for such (miraculously GOOD) things. especially not from people (like you).

so long then.

goodnight.

it’s a girl’s thing.

Published April 21, 2010 by crystalights

 

i’m still SPAZZing (S.P.S.S-ing).

didn’t even go for lunch today.

.

i noticed that my posts are getting longer.

who’d wanna read that?

haha

.

bak kater ‘tutt’ : “ader aku kisah?”

.

yes. yes.

memang tak kisah.

.

at least i’m writing them down.

if i say them out loud then i don’t know if there’s anybody there that can digest it.

.

sometimes even when i have problems with numbers

words weigh me down the most.

.

sometimes words make me feel too much all at the same time.

like a PMS-ing girl.

why do you think PMS is a woman’s thing?

can a man handle all that emo-ness all in one two three four five six seven days?

everything hurts. everything feels wrong.

everything is dark and dreary and so so dissapointing you feel so damn discontented.

and some people still complain that women get away with things just because it’s “that time of the month”.

i mean seriously.

would you like to be:

  1. on the verge of tears over every little tiny weeny thing,
  2. feel all riled up over every little tiny weeny thing,
  3. and don’t even feel like doing anything even a little tiny bit exertive,

for every instance of “that time of the month?”

i know that some women don’t really go through the dark episodes other than the occasional cramps, but some other do.

and it isn’t that pretty. or easy.

so yeah.

of course those are our darker, bitchier days (i guess).

^_~

i feel so sorry though (for people who have to put up with that).

.

and i’m not PMS-ing (!)

(at least not now).