the ending was anti-climatic.
just like how i press the shuffle button on my musicplayer but out of all the hundreds of tracks the same songs keep playing over and over again
it’s amazingly unsatisfying.
i picked up the phone and dialed a few numbers
a long dial tone and no answer at the other end of the line.
feels a lot like the whole world had evolved since the last time i picked up the phone.
that is how things go
no one waits for you anymore
it doesn’t matter how much you give
sometimes you do end up selling yourself short
not that it matters that much.
even though our words are written in the sand
it will immediately be washed away by the waves
i lived through that
hopefully i’ll live enough to feel like i’m living.
i wondered what it would be like
if i had a twin.
would we be in the same course
in the same class
and have the same friends
and like the same guy
would we be poles apart
and still feel like two sides of the same shell?
would i feel like i have someone going through the exact same thing and know what it’s like to be someone like me
or would i have someone whom i am constantly compared with because we are not supposed to be all that different (?)
would i have someone who understand the workings of my mind
and complete all my sentences or read my thoughts like an open book
(because i used to have people like that with me, but i’m not quite sure what happened to them).
someone who knows what to order for me even when i don’t quite say what i want to have
don’t you understand it?
the reason that i do the things that i do
is because no one else is doing it for me
no one can complete me because i am not incomplete.
no one can make me feel like i won’t lose anything if i just back down.
no one can make me feel stable. safe. secure. succesful.
no one can help me find what i’m looking for
because no one understands what is it that i’m looking for.
i’m always discontented. always dissatisfied.
always looking for something which escapes my grasps
sometimes i do things for people because i just do.
it feels right.
because i tell myself to not be the one who lets go.
letting go is easy
it’s staying that pulls you into the storm
what do you do then
do you just let go and disappear
or brave the storm and hold on like your whole life depends on that small little gesture
i’m not like you
i don’t have what you have
i don’t have those things to look forward to
my life is bland
my stories, ordinary.
my fears are endless
my tears are plenty.
i don’t hope that much
and sometimes i’m hopelessly hopeless.
i don’t give off the vibe of someone with a promising ending
even my vibe is ordinary.
and i hate making promises.
i have a dark history with that.
why do i keep looking at the darker side of life
nape slalu pessimistic sgt cmni
dh la moody pas tu grumpy je slalu
pas tu temper pun tak bleh control
pas tu suke sgt pkir bukan2 psl org.
biar je la dier cam tu.
wlaupun dier baru je buat benda yg contradict dier punye own stand
what the hell.
sape je yg kisah pasal stand2 ni lagi dlm zaman camni
dah tak penting la
wlaupun dier buka pintu dan tingkap utk sebuah kisah yg dier tak nak buka kan sblm ni dan
wlaupun dier slalu tutup pintu dan tingkap utk kisah yg same itu sebelum ni padahal dh belong in the same pod
aper ada pada kamu utk dier exclusivekan kisah itu khas2 utk kamu
kamu lah org terakhir yg tahu dgn cara yg terang
dan org yg pertama yg tahu dgn cara yg terselindung
kamu ni penipu rupanyer.
bile penipu kene tipu.
there is no “inside scoop” for people like you.
you’re just like all the rest
so get in line
you’re just a speck of dust in the sahara
not a drop of water in an oasis
are just the residual ink on a bad printing job.
someone insignificant residing within something insignificant.
what is up with people and ownership
it’s not like i own anything worth owning
not like i have a permanent job of actually owning something under my care
what does it look like?
does it look like i own and claim all rights to some supposedly respectable deeds for some over-rated acknowledgements?
does it look like i care?
i’m only buying time and selling empty words
this is the real world
and it doesn’t have to be nice and pretty
as long as it’s real
because we just do.
until the time comes for us to go
then we’ll part ways for a final goodbye.