kecil.small.insignificant.

Published May 4, 2010 by crystalights

 

the ending was anti-climatic.

just like how i press the shuffle button on my musicplayer but out of all the hundreds of tracks the same songs keep playing over and over again

it’s amazingly unsatisfying.

i picked up the phone and dialed a few numbers

a long dial tone and no answer at the other end of the line.

feels a lot like the whole world had evolved since the last time i picked up the phone.

that is how things go

no one waits for you anymore

it doesn’t matter how much you give

so

sometimes you do end up selling yourself short

not that it matters that much.

even though our words are written in the sand

it will immediately be washed away by the waves

i lived through that

hopefully i’ll live enough to feel like i’m living.

.

i wondered what it would be like

if i had a twin.

would we be in the same course

in the same class

and have the same friends

and like the same guy

or

would we be poles apart

and still feel like two sides of the same shell?

would i feel like i have someone going through the exact same thing and know what it’s like to be someone like me

or would i have someone whom i am constantly compared with because we are not supposed to be all that different (?)

would i have someone who understand the workings of my mind

and complete all my sentences or read my thoughts like an open book

(because i used to have people like that with me, but i’m not quite sure what happened to them).

someone who knows what to order for me even when i don’t quite say what i want to have

.

so

.

don’t you understand it?

the reason that i do the things that i do

is because no one else is doing it for me

no one can complete me because i am not incomplete.

no one can make me feel like i won’t lose anything if i just back down.

no one can make me feel stable. safe. secure. succesful.

no one can help me find what i’m looking for

because no one understands what is it that i’m looking for.

i’m always discontented. always dissatisfied.

always looking for something which escapes my grasps

sometimes i do things for people because i just do.

it feels right.

because i tell myself to not be the one who lets go.

.

letting go is easy

it’s staying that pulls you into the storm

but

what do you do then

do you just let go and disappear

or brave the storm and hold on like your whole life depends on that small little gesture

.

i’m not like you

i don’t have what you have

i don’t have those things to look forward to

my life is bland

my stories, ordinary.

my fears are endless

my tears are plenty.

i don’t hope that much

and sometimes i’m hopelessly hopeless.

i don’t give off the vibe of someone with a promising ending

even my vibe is ordinary.

and i hate making promises.

i have a dark history with that.

.

why do i keep looking at the darker side of life

nape slalu pessimistic sgt cmni

dh la moody pas tu grumpy je slalu

pas tu temper pun tak bleh control

pas tu suke sgt pkir bukan2 psl org.

biar je la dier cam tu.

wlaupun dier baru je buat benda yg contradict dier punye own stand

but

what the hell.

sape je yg kisah pasal stand2 ni lagi dlm zaman camni

dah tak penting la

wlaupun dier buka pintu dan tingkap utk sebuah kisah yg dier tak nak buka kan sblm ni dan

wlaupun dier slalu tutup pintu dan tingkap utk kisah yg same itu sebelum ni padahal dh belong in the same pod

tapi

aper ada pada kamu utk dier exclusivekan kisah itu khas2 utk kamu

kamu lah org terakhir yg tahu dgn cara yg terang

dan org yg pertama yg tahu dgn cara yg terselindung

kamu ni penipu rupanyer.

pdn muke.

bile penipu kene tipu.

.

there is no “inside scoop” for people like you.

you’re just like all the rest

so get in line

and pry.

.

you’re just a speck of dust in the sahara

not a drop of water in an oasis

you

are just the residual ink on a bad printing job.

someone insignificant residing within something insignificant.

.

but seriously

what is up with people and ownership

it’s not like i own anything worth owning

not like i have a permanent job of actually owning something under my care

what does it look like?

does it look like i own and claim all rights to some supposedly respectable deeds for some over-rated acknowledgements?

does it look like i care?

i’m only buying time and selling empty words

this is the real world

and it doesn’t have to be nice and pretty

as long as it’s real

we’ll live.

.

because we just do.

until the time comes for us to go

then we’ll part ways for a final goodbye.

.

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