never look back

Published May 10, 2010 by crystalights

 

buried deep as you can dig inside yourself

and covered with a perfect shell

such a charming, beautiful exterior

laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes

perfect posture, but you’re barely scraping by

but you’re barely scraping by

this is one time

this is one time

that you can’t fake it hard enough to please everyone

or anyone at all

or anyone at all

and the grave that you refuse to leave

the refuge that you’ve built to flee

the places that you’ve come to fear the most

it’s the place that you have come to fear the most

buried deep as you can dig inside yourself

and hidden in the public eye

such a stellar monument to loneliness

laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes

perfect make-up but you’re barely scraping by

but you’re barely scraping by

it’s been more than 19 hours since i last slept.

and half an hour ago was my first meal in 12 hours (?)

everything hurts

.

and what hurts the most is that after all of that you still managed to hurt me

.

takpela.

dari dalam bilik hingga ke dalam lif menuju ke atas aku dah pesan pada hati aku sndiri

ape pun yg jadi aku nak jadi org yang redha.

.

you sound like you don’t believe that i completed the report myself.

you even said that i didn’t come and show you my pwrpoint slides (when in fact i did. i went to see you the week before presentation i even have my alibi.the fact is that you don’t remember. you always don’t remember when it comes to me).

then you questioned the paper’s layout when it was just me following the format that you yourself had approved the week before.

and of course you pushed aside my question and brushed me off like i was nothing.

i know i am not anything. much.

but when you chucked my report to that distant chair with me standing at the door and seeing you fling my thesis like that it breaks my heart.

.

i won’t cry

even as tears fill my eyes i won’t cry

.

i lost sleep, time and so much energy just for that damn thesis

it is my blood sweat and tears

you don’t even know what it’s like

it’s indescribable.

because when you did yours they were just there and you were around to just get it done

mine wasn’t like that.

i was in another part of the country rushing to another part trying to get things done on my own.

all those times

maybe they mean nothing to you the way they do to me.

i’m not expecting you to understand

i’m just expecting you to carry out your duty and deliver your end of the bargain.

that’s all.

you don’t have to be nice or warm and welcoming

just enough if you could let me know what more do you want

so that i could work things out

so that you don’t have to treat me like trash like all those times before

so that i could find out when you’ll be done with it 

so that i can complete the final piece.

so that i can leave as soon as possible and never look your way again.

i need to know that i’m not stuck here faced with you forever

i need to know that i can move on and never look back.

i just want to disappear soon.

everything’s wearing me out

i can hardly breathe

people take from me what i no longer have to give

i can’t even feel at peace with my own heart.

i really need to be away.

i have to go.

i don’t have the answers to everything

i’m not mother willows. or mother theresa.

i’m just me. living my own life and feeling like it’s taken away from me only to be squeezed into someone else’ life

i’m tired. of all that jazz

i just want to find peace.

and be on my own again.

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