the way i look at you

Published May 10, 2010 by crystalights

 

when i was in school, everytime i end up in childish arguments with the people around me it was partly because of the way i look at people.

you know, not that i’m staring until my eyes flutter or something

but rather

it’s how i always have this expression on my face whenever i don’t like something, or disagree with something or weary of something.

sometimes i don’t realize it but i have this look on my face that says: “you’re such a retard”.

(no pun intended).

the trouble here is that this is one thing that i can’t really control.

it’s always there, always so evident, and is especially apparent when i’m annoyed. like seriously effin’ annoyed.

.

so i gave someone my “you’re such a retard” look once, and well it end up with strange consequences. well, sort of. (if you can call it that).

it only comes out among one of those rare uncontrollable stressful moments that i somehow had to go through and then somehow people end up being so damn surprised.

what?

i can’t get angry ke?

i’m always grumpy and emo-ing it’s literally normal for me. haha.

not that i’m enjoying it or anything, but just because i don’t pull people’s hair or kick anybody’s car or throw rubbish on people’s fences it doesn’t make me completely void of any outward social infliction of pain.

i can make other people’s life miserable too.

i can do such awful, awful things not because they’re cool, but because they’re what i feel some people should receive.

but.

unfortunately

my conscience isn’t entirely avoidable.

i know i’ll suffer later when my conscience knocks on the doors of my heart.

sometimes i feel like a schizo.

you know, the aftermath immobilizes you.

so i wondered

how do some people live with the things that they’ve done – without having any guilty conscience eating them up alive?

how do you live entirely guilt free?

because you know you mean what you did when you did it, right?

it’s just a matter of feeling driven enough to do it and then living with what you’ve done.

how is that..possible?

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