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All posts for the month June, 2010

fine.

Published June 24, 2010 by crystalights

 

i’m fine.

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i’m just in the middle of some things which i really don’t intend to tell the entire human population

that’s all.

that was why i wanted to disappear for a while.

because i don’t need to be understood.

i don’t need the feigned interest and plastic empathy.

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i’m not looking for that.

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i’m fine

just like this.

brown sugar cookies and a heart on my sleeve

Published June 18, 2010 by crystalights

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a few things were happening

all at the same time

and some went out of hand

so i wasn’t feeling quite right

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so i tried working in the kitchen again

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today i made my first batch of cookies

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(my lil’ brother ate them with some tea-dipping)

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so there’s my first sugar cookies.

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you know

sometimes i wished that it’s enough for me to just

listen without speaking

be here without breaking

understand without showing

but to feel enough to keep staying

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i wished i was enough

apparently it’s not enough to just be.

you still have to do something

to make something out of things

so that people feel like they’re in

inside your life somewhere

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my cookies aren’t perfect

but i made them with my own hands

my own version of the usual cookie recipe

my own personal touch

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they’re not perfect

but they’re my own

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why can’t they be enough?

why can’t i be enough?

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why

do i have to lay out my heart on the table

to prove that i actually feel

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one two three four days

Published June 17, 2010 by crystalights

 

so i went for the interview on monday.

it was my first official job interview after finishing my 4-year study.

the office was small and quiet, with wooden tables and furnitures. there were several windows covered with old-styled blinds instead of curtains, and smooth wooden doors with a few centimetres gap underneath the door where the interviewer was supposed to be in.

from outside, as i wait for my turn i can hear his voice speaking to the person inside, a fellow interviewee.

so after handing in my forms to the staff outside i sit with baited breath. no, i wasn’t really nervous, it was more about me being curious (like i always am).

wondering how old will he be, and how would his manner of speaking be, and what kind of applicant will he be expecting.

so when i was called in, i opened the door and saw how unusually simple the layout was. a long table, a few cushy chairs, possibly a small narrow rack and that’s it.

his briefcase was on the side of the table, and the window was half-opened.

the walls were white and with the white blinds on the opened window, everything feels very bright and airy.

very spartan.

and then he told me to sit down (after he spoke to another staff from his table through the door).

so overall, the interview was okay.

it wasn’t really nerve-wrecking.

he asked me about myself and halfway through he was telling me what the job would be like.

that was before he asked me if i think i would be suitable for the job.

so i answered what crossed my mind at that time ^__^ and then he says he’ll call me by the end of the week (if i made it).

so.

i went back and settled a few things

and i began to think

it was actually more of me feeling like i’m not so sure if i really wanted to work yet.

and somehow i end up in this place

and i saw someone sleeping

 

..inside the banquet room. on the chair at the middle table.

it must’ve been nice to do whatever you want at whatever time and place.

since i can’t do the thing that i wanna do now (the most), i ended up job-hunting half-heartedly.

i don’t even really feel the initial pre-interview jitters. just a pinch of nervousness. and then a whole lot of numbness.

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i feel numb.

because i don’t wanna do anything right now other than what i’ve always wanted to do.

but i can’t.

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and even when i can’t there’s still some kind of an expectation to fulfill

so that i’m not too worthless in that sense

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and i wondered

what has my life come into?

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because i’m still searching

but i feel like i don’t want to anymore

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whose life is this?

whose wish is this?

is this mine?

because i still can’t see it

can’t feel like it’s mine

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so i wanted to just go somewhere

and sit down and not think so much

i was tired.

and thankfully

we went somewhere afterwards for some comfort food

.

 

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and the next day we packed up and went home.

all the miles throughout, i was thinking and half-wishing that i won’t have to start so soon.

i don’t know. how it’ll be like

but i know that i’m not really looking forward to it.

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i’m not worried

i’m just a little torn

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so i just curled up on the sofa all day playing something on my notebook

it was a good distraction.

and then i got in the kitchen to try and do something

that was a nice distraction too

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that feels nice.

i even pleated the edges myself.

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fry them

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..and then

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done.

we made a few (enough for two days).

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my little sister recently got her driving license (and the old family car kinda comes with it).

so i said to her i just wanna go out.

just out there.

somewhere.

and today we went to the beach, just the both of us (because the rest are  going somewhere in another state).

the way to the beach feels a bit too long

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but at least we arrived

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it was very warm and sunny

when we dipped in and stood up there were shadows upon the water – it was like the sun was right in the centre of the sky

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it was hours before we washed up and left

for the mall.

yes it was

~a clichéd ending for a girl’s day out.

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eye candy. (literally).

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lunch.

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pretty. painful. shoes

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bluecheeseboy is a crunchy bread snack.

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i found a pink golf skirt on discount BUT it was a little bit too big.

(no i don’t wear skirts. but it was PINK. with a cute cut. and a BIG 30% tag inside). i figured that i could wear it at home. not for golf but for cooking in the kitchen.

good stuff. but not the right size.

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~

i guess that was

4 days.. all wrapped in one (post).

and now i’m sitting on my bed hoping that sleep would finally find me and be my friend again.

~

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feel it

Published June 13, 2010 by crystalights

 

do you know what it’s like

to feel so, so much

all at the same time

when your heart feels like it’s about to burst

and all kinds of different emotions just fills you to the brim

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run away now

don’t stay now

don’t let it get to you

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it’s crazy terrifying huge massively unreal but so believable

so damn believable

it’s overwhelming

it’s a private emotion

that fills you tonight

and a silence falls between us

as the shadows steal the light

.

how far could i possibly be

from being crazy

unbelievable

Published June 11, 2010 by crystalights

 

i was trying to access the student portal to get a few things to print for next week, as well as trying to complete a few letters and after 24 hours of wasting my time, just look at what i got in return:

The page cannot be displayed

The request cannot be processed at this time. The amount of traffic exceeds the Web site’s configured capacity.


Please try the following:

  • Click the Refresh button, or try again later.
  • If this error persists, contact the Web site administrator to inform them that this error continues to occur for this URL address.

HTTP Error 500.13 – Server error: Web server is too busy.
Internet Information Services (IIS)


 

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LMAO

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seriously.

for such a thing to occur, WTH has the entire system been dumped with?

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i don’t have time for this

the undeniable server failure

again

for the umpteenth time

what kind of service is this

no wonder people (like me) don’t intend to come back to stay

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whatever

screw that.

lone.ly planet

Published June 7, 2010 by crystalights

 

i remember this place.

my friends discovered it first back then, and told me about this place which they think i would like.

so i came and saw it myself, and then i don’t quite know why i keep coming back.

it became sort of a little corner where i sometimes run to when i don’t wanna be with people.

like that one time when i got into a little bit of a rough patch (the unsalvaged war) with someone in campus

so i immediately left (before class even ended. bcause i really thought it was the end of that class) and spent the early evening in this place, pick a couple of books and trying to calm down.

maybe i just have this need to be alone whenever my mood is off

especially when i’m upset or angry

i run away and hide sometimes.

because i try to not deal with people when i’m emotionally unstable.

and this is a place where no one is around almost all the time (the only one who’s always there was the owner, and he usually doesn’t mind you hanging around there for as long as you wish).

so yes. for that short period of time in that small little place, that was my temporary shelter. my little refuge.

.

but then we moved to the new campus and i had to lose my little refuge.

everything feels different and crowded and congested

there are people everywhere, you’re surrounded but you’re really just on your own

you are alone in a sea of human beings

you walk the same path but your destinations are too far apart

you’ll always walk alone

and somewhere along the way i’m guessing i found comfort in that little space of shelter back then because it was what someone else found while thinking of me

of what i would like

of where i would want to be.

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so it doesn’t feel like just another reading place

not to me

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i came back there when i was doing my final year project

and it’s still the same as how i had left it

the same feeling.

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perhaps underneath all the superficial nature of every single day

some things do remain as they are

but what a pity that only some little things do

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i can’t be like that little reading place

i can’t stay when everyone is leaving.

i can’t become the constant in someone else’ everchanging life.

even if it means i’ll keep running away all my life i just can’t be someone that i’m not.

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but that little place will always have a reserved spot in my heart.

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S K O O B

Majestic Tower

Old Town PJ Section 3