missing piece

Published July 6, 2010 by crystalights

 

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i haven’t done this for so long i can hardly remember how it feels

.

i think i might have this condition

of not wanting to unpack upon arrival and not wanting to pack before departure

i leave a lot – sometimes unintentionally, sometimes deliberately-

but always, always for a reason i feel reason enough

always because there’s something that made me feel the need to leave

.

i can stay with people long enough to know if it’s worth staying

.

just like how much skating hurts my feet

i got myself in the rink anyway because there’re people whom i feel worth skating for

even when i can barely skate

and everytime i fall, i fall hard.

.

the truth is that it’s not that i leave people behind

it’s just that there’s always something there in such a way that i can’t bring myself to stay

something always goes wrong

and there isn’t any other way other than that way out

it’s not just for me it’s for everyone in there as well

.

because sometimes it’s not about you

it’s about people other than you getting hurt

and you don’t wanna keep hurting them

.

but it is normal for people to not understand

and i’m not really the kind who’d come up with an explanation either

so i just let it all pass by

.

i haven’t skated in years

and now i no longer have a reason to skate anymore

no “first time jitters”

no “thrilling excitement”

no “skating people”

no “skating reason”

nothing.

i’m not good at it and it’s not something that i really like in the first place

and then people come and they leave and it’s all back to square one

and we’re just fine.

this is just fine.

just how it should be

this is why i don’t feel so much about not staying. with people. or anybody else for that matter.

because doesn’t it all amount to nothing in the end?

we meet only to cross paths and touch the surface

and then we go back to where we’re supposed to be.

.

i’m not sad

i’m content.

i’ve understood.

.

i skated because there’re people there who wants to do so with me

and now that the skating days are over

i won’t be in the rink for a very long time

.

i go to school because it is what is expected of me

i don’t know if i like it, or if i did a great job at it

but i did it because i have to

.

this is life

you don’t always get to do what you want

.

at 22 years 11 months and 3 weeks

i am still looking for something

which i am not exactly sure of

.

something’s missing

i feel it even more now than before

.

and i know that no one else can figure that out for me

.

i’ve been feeling this way for as long as i can remember

ever since i was a little girl

and now that i’m at this point in my life i feel it even more

that there’s something that isn’t there that’s supposed to be there

.

so yes

i do run away sometimes

i try to keep running along with time

because i can feel it slipping away from my grasp

i’m selfishly uninvolved with the other aspects of life

because i’m unfulfilled

i’m hollow

i’m trying to fix myself first

i can’t promise to be a part of anything else for now

.

 

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