All posts for the month August, 2010

family dining table meal

Published August 31, 2010 by crystalights


i think it’s amazing that my dad can remember how many chairs there are to that decade-old dining table set.



there are six of them.

they were bought when we were still little kids,

the chairs that match the table to match with the floor

not only to match the colour but also the patterns.


but the floor in our home now isn’t quite the same as the floor in our old home.

i remember rows of little windows, with pink flowery curtains in each room

and long orange-coloured ones for the living room.

there were two small mango trees

on our back yard view from the kitchen

with the brown wooden cabinets and shelves complementing the stove


that was more than 15 years ago

but he remembers how many chairs there were from that dining table set.

he was asking: where is the other chair? there is one more.


and my sister took it out of her room to add to the dining table.


we didn’t even remember how many there were.

and i was thinking

maybe this dining table set does match the current floor where we have our meals now

the patterns aren’t exact matches, but the colour is perfect.


as much as he remembers things i just hope

that he doesn’t remember how angry he was today

and the last couple of days.


it’s difficult to have normal meals when the air is thick with tension

i was holding the onion container and it almost slipped from my hands

it was just a small plastic container

but i was so scared that even the scattering of fried onions would make him blow up

with that kind of mood in him today, no one really dared to speak

even the eating was silent for a while

i think i let out a breath when he was finished with his meal and got up to leave the kitchen


it was really heart-hammering.



you don’t get it, do you?

Published August 30, 2010 by crystalights


selama ni i never complain, or merungut.

because i know where i stand. i know what needs to be done.


but today i cannot help but feel this way.

and it is all your fault.

for the first time i feel so tired

but i can’t stop because there is no one else that i can rely on.

you’re missing when you’re not around, but even when you are around you’re still missing.

you can’t even take care of yourself.

what can people like me hope for in you?


just because i always do things like i am meant to

it doesn’t mean it’s my job.

stop expecting me to be fine with everything

i know that today i am not.

because including today it’s been four days of your vacation but you’re not even really here.

you’re just disappearing into your self-centred world again.


you occupy their time with bits of your world which isn’t even really yours

i hate it when they give their time to you

when you pull them away i’m not jealous

i just don’t want you to turn them into you.


this is my home.

i don’t know if it is yours.



stop thinking about you and only you.


i am not your dog.



Published August 29, 2010 by crystalights


in the history of malaysian cable tv service providers, “astro” isn’t the kind which i can really think of in fond memory.

in fact, the only reason that it crossed my mind when speaking of cable tv service is because it is the only one still present today in malaysia.

and that’s it.

it doesn’t really have an impressive customer care (you have to pay for your customer care calls, even when it’s not your fault that you can’t watch tv, and sometimes the calls aren’t that short).

sometimes when you leave the decoder on stand by for very long periods of time and go somewhere for weeks without using it when you come back it becomes dysfunctional.

sometimes when the weather’s bad you can’t watch anything.

and then there’s the list of programmes, half of which probably consists of repeated shows or second-grade ones, as well as (almost) ancient season’s tv programmes.

sometimes channel surfing gets you nowhere, because except for a few channels, the rest really have nothing much that can interest or enrich you and your mind.

i only remember how they keep on “upgrading the system” by changing smart cards because they are so very concerned of people making profits or free-loading on THEIR tv service.

and then there’s “astro Beyond”. in HD.

supposedly in conjunction with the world cup and it continues from then on but seriously why would i want to see the strand of grasses on a football field?

maybe some people do (in that tv advert), but i don’t. i don’t even think it’s worth it to pay the extra bucks for that extra HIGH DEFINITION that shows the texture of someone’s face or someone’s trickling beads of sweat.

it’s too much money for something so trivial and insignificant.

an extra package in Beyond is supposedly the malaysian version of a TiVo.

except that you can’t exactly program your wishlist search, but you can store recordings of your tv shows.

yes, TiVo was introduced in the U.S more than a decade ago, but here we are in malaysia with a cable tv service only recently going all out for something like this. (with the extra extra bucks as the charge).

you have to pay extra for the service that isn’t even that recent in the tech-world.

it’s like paying extra for a DR2000 spectrometer when the science community has already used the atomic absorption spectrometer since decades and decades ago.


so that is why, when i wake up with loud noises and loud voices this morning/afternoon i really hate the fact that it was because someone is expressing their discontent towards the cable tv service so passionately as if the service providers could really speed up their service delivery based on a couple of very vocal phonecalls.

no, they can’t.

of course they can’t.

they are incapable of providing the kind of service that supposedly comes with the kind of money that they rake in.

i know that from experience.


that is why i’m against the Beyond subscriptions (in this home). because i see them as such a huge burden. there is no point at all. the money that you’re paying doesn’t guarantee you top quality service.

you were the one who wants Beyond for both TVs, so please no screaming.

i need to be able to sleep because this cable tv service would never change even if i don’t sleep.

they don’t care much about such things (because they know they’re the only one providing cable TV service in this country).


perhaps everything here is about raking in as much money as you can (before people start to realize that they’ve been robbed in broad daylight).


so when will people wake up?


Published August 29, 2010 by crystalights


my mum talks about her plants as if they are real people, real humans with needs.

she speaks in a guilty tone of how she feels sorry for them whenever some of them dries up, wilts, or turns yellow.

she remembers what they need and somehow they bloom faster in her hands.

she speaks of her plants so respectfully in such a good-natured way that sometimes even real humans aren’t as respectable as them.


my youngest brother treats anything art-related very passionately.

he’s into sewing multi-coloured beads onto old clothes now.

today he wore that shirt with those beads that he sewed.


my father treats anything art-related dispassionately.

he looks upon my youngest brother’s bead-sewing with a frown in such a disdainful way-

just like that time when i was younger with lots of As for my art and drawings but Bs for my maths.

i think it’s the same frown now, with extra wrinkles.

only at that time during my younger days it wasn’t just a frown.

it was a statement.

i like looking at my mum’s plants, but i don’t like looking after them.


i like my youngest brother’s enthusiasm in arts.


i’d like to think that my father hasn’t aged more than he should since my younger days.


i still have a secret love of arts even when i onced abandoned them for better math grades when i was younger.


i write what i feel.

if i don’t then i’ll feel bad for not telling it as it is.

there is no “spicing things up” as far as i know.

because i don’t know how to “spice things up” without feeling like a phony.

you know, like a liar,

a pretender.


because i live, i then write.

i don’t write to “officiate” my life.

i just live. and then i just write.


at face value

Published August 27, 2010 by crystalights


my sister was watching tv and that show was on


i cringed and cringed and cringed

and fumbled


it wasn’t even that significant for me

i just told her to change the channel

and she was like:

don’t start your sentiments here.

by then, i was whining to get her to watch something else.


the thing is that that is probably the best way to deal with something so cringe-worthy as that.

from that male judge to the lines of contestants, i was thinking: what is the purpose of this show anyway?


do you think that you could even find the right “gadis melayu” in this kind of show?

come on.

who are we kidding?


isn’t this just another beauty pageant showcasing supposedly what people call as “gadis melayu” skills?

where does the value lie?

where’s the sense in that?


jawab cincai pun boleh masuk second round (sebab ape? sebab cantik la).

what difference does it make whether or not you’re the ultimate “gadis melayu” anyway, you still have to be “aesthetically qualified” enough to steal the limelight in a beauty contest.

it’s not that much different from the ones before it anyway.

macam gadis metro.

gadis sunsilk.

gadis pantene.

gadis maybelline.

gadis celcom.

gadis jelita.


perhaps in this country beauty is of face value.

somehow even the little littlest things are associated with a stage, a face, a spotlight, a crown.


sebagai gadis melayu saya tak larat nak tengok rancangan2 mcm ni.




not that i can be bothered of. not that i care.

Published August 25, 2010 by crystalights


that is why i DON’T wanna call


because EVERY SINGLE time is the WRONG time

even until now i don’t know HOW the hell

to get the timing RIGHT ENOUGH for you


if there is another time in whichever year which i can push this to

of course i would

but because everything has to be ready by tomorrow before he leaves i can’t wait any longer

next week when i leave i don’t wanna carry the whole world with me

so yes of course i don’t have any other time to bother you

this is the only time


next week would be too late

i hate doing favours at the very last minute

i especially hate to be the one helping people who doesn’t even know how to help themselves

it’s not even my job to make sure that you have everything so please

you don’t have to put it like that


it’s allright

i get it

it’s your own little world after all


so what happened today was:

Published August 25, 2010 by crystalights


my dad did something

my mum gets angry

my sister comes at the wrong time

mum unleashes her fire at my older sister

my older sister gets angry

my older sister stomped away to find me

my older sister unleashes her anger at me

i get burned by my sister.


(i sound like a witch).



bottom line is, the one at the bottom of the chain gets squished flat.

*makes squishy sounds*

it doesn’t even make much difference whether or not i say anything, in fact it’s even better if i don’t say anything (that can make it worse).

if i can’t get her to stop then that’s all that there is to it.


it doesn’t completely surprise me though.



(yes i don’t really pick up the phone when i’m at home. i hardly even pick up my own phone when it rings let alone anybody else’ phone in the house. picking up people’s phone is something that i really don’t fancy).


so don’t expect me to be there to pick up the phone. even if it’s my own phone i don’t care i can just stuff it under the pillow or something




(and by the way, i finished that mark twain’s book i was reading ^__^ but that is a story to be told at another time).