i’m not sad. i’m not lying.

Published August 8, 2010 by crystalights

 

i’m not sad

even as tears fill my eyes i’m not sad.

.

i’m just

angry.

.

i’m surrounded but i’m alone

i live with people whom i have to listen to

because i’m nothing

there isn’t anything that i bring into this thing.

.

i’ve always lived with endless expectations

of me

my job is to fulfill them until i reach my wits’ end

and then once in a while when i come across some people who would let me make-believe that there is some sort of connection

pretending that there is some soul who listens

even when they don’t (at least i know not to be foolish too often)

i wake up and the nightmare doesn’t end.

i don’t hope for anything much from the ones around me

i fix my own things

before i come undone.

.

i realized that my heart’s in my writings

they’re not in my spoken words

.

i unveil it the most in the things that i write

even when i cry i can’t be honest and say what’s inside

.

unless there isn’t anybody else there.

.

i don’t trust anyone enough for me to put my life’s heart and soul on – even on the little things

and when i somehow accidentally do

i try my best to stop going on if i can’t take it back

because i can feel the regret setting in above everything else

.

there is no other person that you can rely on other than yourself

.

so tell me what else are you expecting?

you feel burdened by the commodities

but you wouldn’t let me do what i want to lessen it

you didn’t find the right one for me

but you oppose the ones that i managed to find

you want what you said you wanted

but you want me to do them, and with your way

i can’t do anything much without stepping on your edge

i can’t make normal decisions without your interference

i can’t even feel normal

.

i’m not sad

crying doesn’t mean anything to me

they’re just water escaping my eyelids

.

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