hati

Published August 16, 2010 by crystalights

 

dear C.H♥s.,

.

for once let me be honest and pour my hearts out here to you, okay.

(sbb dlm hati aku ni dh berat bersarang).

.

things happened.

ari ni ader accident.

tapi sume okay lg kot.

(wlwpun kereta remuk dan berlanggar depan+blakang).

patutnyer aku b’syukur

sbb takde sape2 yg injured.

sbb mak ngn ayah came back in one piece.

sbb pihak yg kene langgar tak cedera.

sbb ader insurance.

sbb mak ngn ayah are allowed utk balik bukak puase at home bfore dorg officially prgi file the report.

tapi.

aku tak tau nape aku marah sangat.

aku rase marah sangat2.

rase mcm hati aku ni kene ramas lepas tu pecah bersepai.

aku bukannye sedih atau trauma.

aku marah pulak.

aku duduk kt dapur siang tadi masak nasi sambil jage rendang sementare tnggu mak dgn ayah balik bawak brg2 tmbahan

sblm pergi mak siap pesan lagi suruh tambah kerisik dlm rendang

lepas tu, mak pesan jgn goreng jemput2 dlu, tnggu sbb takut dorg balik bawak kuih

dh siap2 kemas dapur aku pn gi settle a few things kt depan pas tu dorg pun balik

without anything other than the news of their accident

and even though i know that i can’t entirely put the blame on one person

i do know

how my dad drives.

i can imagine how close the car must have been to each other for something like this to happen

and the idea that the person from the car being hit actually came out, inhaled, exhaled, and cried on the side of the street

and damn, that doesn’t feel alright.

.

esok kene byr compound several hundreds utk ari ni punye accident.

.

and somehow i can’t help but feel: thank god i can’t drive. (for now).

.

owh.

lagi satu,

slalunyer aku tak kisah klw people don’t take me seriously, sbb aku tak brape nak peduli psl hal2 mcm tu.

tapi, kali ni aku rase sgt mcm tu.

aku rase aku kene disappear lagi.

aku rase mungkin kesudahan yg baik tu bukan untuk aku dlm keadaan yg begini.

sometimes i think the people closest to me are the ones who are not taking me seriously.

either that, or they just don’t understand me.

but how can you not be understood (enough) by your own flesh and blood?

.

maybe

we’re just living in a twisted world.

tak sampai hati sane, tak sampai hati sini

last2 hati rase mcm mati.

like today.

aku baru je lepas apologize to a support staff. sbb buat dier rase terbeban dgn kerenah aku antara 70,000 client yg lain.

aku rase, aku bukannye apologize sbb hal aku. aku mintak maaf sbb kesian dkt dier yg ader client smpai 70,000 (dah mintak maaf pun sinis lg. agknye aku m’mng socially retarded kot).

see?

aku dh mule rase ke”tak-normal”an aku makin mnjadi-jadi ni.

maybe aku tak boleh stay in one place like this lagi kot.

maybe lame2 aku jadi PHAIL mcm dead braincells.

.

tapi aku dh try byk kali

to be somewhere else

cume kesudahannye terbelenggu sbb tak sampai hati.

.

and lagi satu.

aku tak paham nape mesti that particular person (who must not be named) call banyak kali.

tak pyh la call.

klau dah aku tak angkat berkali-kali tu

maknenye memang aku tak nak angkat telefon

tak ingin nak menjawab.

daripada aku angkat phone lepas tu bermulut pedas smpai pedih telinge

ataupun aku angkat phone dan bermulut manis tapi menipu

lagi baik aku tak payah angkat telefon langsung.

.

okayla,

penat.

aku nak tido dan padam semua yg aku rase sepanjang minggu ni.

.

selamat datang hari isnin.

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