my father has a certain way of doing things that he expects people to follow.
most of the time, i just go along with it.
some very rare times,
i can’t really deliver what is expected of me.
he believes in back up plans
in raking in more than you need (even when you only need one and will only choose one in the end)
he likes more than one option
more than one solution
more than just average grades
more than just a couple of distinctions
perhaps to him, more is more is the absolute must.
if i can’t deliver his expectations at one point
then somehow i’ll end up somewhere where i have to somehow do it
there is no long-term escape
just options and more pathways for me to fulfill what he seeks
sometimes i just do whatever is requested of me
even when it makes me look or feel crazy
as long as it’s physically / intellectually feasible
i just do it.
i just live with it.
but sometimes i believe in different things
like losing money but gaining time.
if i get time. then why does money matter?
if i get knowledge / information, should money matter?
like what happened today.
i want to just get my pics from any random photostudio shop, i don’t really care.
it’s just a photo for my application form. (tomorrow’s the deadline).
but he wants to take the time to print it at home,
choose the right settings, the right size,
cutting it down in his own manner
and then using his own adhesive for sticking it on
and his own method of ensuring its quality.
everything is his own
perfection right down to the details.
(and now i’m not so sure if i won’t miss the deadline in the next 24 hours).
imagine these ideals of his applied to everything else.
i was sent to several different schools throughout my entire primary and secondary years,
and some of the schools are not even a district apart.
just because he thinks one is better than the other
(but well, most of the time..i hate to say that he’s right).
i was very unwilling at that point.. only to be sent somewhere else and then at the end of it was him proving to me of how precise his decision was.
i was in highschool back then
when he was in the car with my mum and the kids, waiting for the whole of my 1 hour chemistry class to finish every wednesday of the week (because it takes a half hour to get there and another half hour to get back. so he just sends me and waits there until i finish for about an hour later).
and then he sends me for my 3 hour biology class every friday and some other day of the week
and my add maths classes
and physics classes.
they’re all extra classes per week. he chose the teachers. and the schools they come from.
so this is how i live.
it’s not easy, but at least it’s a way of living.
it wasn’t that wonderful for me.
but somehow he works things out.
and i grew up thinking that every man out there has to at least have the capabilities of this man
who isn’t all that amazing but a capable, able man afterall.
i needed someone whom i can respect. in one way or another.
someone who wasn’t easily defeated.
we don’t necessarily have to like each other
but we have to live our roles
and fulfill our responsibilities
to live for the purpose of which we are created
to be what we must be
what we should be.
sometimes you can’t have everything
there is always something that you have to lose in order for something else to be gained
but if it is your duty is there any excuse for you to just let go?
i guess i believe in that too much.
i believe that if everyone lives up to their roles and duties and responsibilities than this world would have been a better place
because no one would be squished aside for the sake of another person’s self importance.