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All posts for the month September, 2010

a farewell.

Published September 29, 2010 by crystalights

 

atn’s brother passed away at 3 a.m this morning.

it was cancer.

.

my dad’s old friend passed away last week.

it was cancer too.

we were there for the funeral.

it was raining softly as the sun hid behind the clouds.

.

.

we’ll never know when

our time will arrive.

.

but it will come and we’ll be on our own.

.

innalillahi wa inna illahi ro ji un

.

i want to lend a shoulder

but i’m too far away

.

but if you need it i’m still here

.

i’m sorry

(for your loss, for my distance, for your pain, for everything)

.

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home is where the heart is.

Published September 27, 2010 by crystalights

 

sometimes i don’t really like my mum’s friends.

i think they’re lucky to have a friend like my mum who doesn’t mind spending her time and effort on people like that.

my mum has this habit of pampering people.

she just takes care of them like it’s her business.

i’m uncomfortable whenever they’re around.

i can’t smile and be nice because i don’t want to get involved with her circle of people and also because i just don’t do that sort of thing to everyone.

.

and then there’s their kids.

maybe i don’t understand what kids these days want (or need).

but i just don’t feel it’s right.

it’s weird.

everytime my little brothers go out and play i feel like i need to know where they are, who they’re with, what they’re doing.

sometimes i don’t even want to let them go out and play.

i feel like putting a tracking system on their ankles with walkie talkies so that i can call them home anytime i want to.

so i don’t really feel alright with kids (whom i don’t know) hanging at my house to play (even if they’re my mum’s friends’ children).

and this is like almost every day of the week.

they are a plural bunch of kids

who just come from wherever, whenever, regardless of whether or not their mothers are around.

i can’t tell them to go home, can i?

i just have to keep on picking up after all the mess while trying to make sure that no properties are lost or damaged and that the house is still secure and in an acceptable condition.

i get worried everytime the house is open and exposed because there’s always people whom i don’t know popping up out of nowhere,

and i can’t really chase them away or pass some cynical, snide remarks because my mum wouldn’t allow it (i did that before and she put me to suffer through a guilt trip)

it’s incomprehensible.

i don’t feel comfortable letting my little brothers hang around in other people’s places for so long and be all rowdy and extra-imposing,

so i don’t understand why people are comfortable leaving little kids in my place, in my home for so long who are mostly a rowdy and extra-imposing bunch.

.

i wished that my older sister doesn’t bail all the time

.

it’s like i have 2 little brothers AND 2 little sisters instead of 2 little brothers with 1 little sister and 1 older sistr.

i don’t even really know what it feels like to just grow up with a sister that i can depend on or a sister i can just have fun with.

all this time the kind of life that i’ve known is the kind where i have to carry the weight of things on my own and keep things going on my own

my older sister’s always been that way,

my younger sister grew up away from home because of her place of study,

my little brothers are just too little to understand,

and my parents aren’t always around.

as a kid growing up, life as i know it are usually spent on my own.

.

even when you have friends it’s different when you have your family with you

it wasn’t really friendship that i needed all the time, at that time.

.

it’s emotionally and physically exhausting.

.

and now that i’ve grown up and no longer a kid i know that somehow all that is part of what made me this way.

.

it just irritates me.

Published September 26, 2010 by crystalights

 

so what i learnt over the weekend was:

maybe, maybe if i were to meet someone who is just like me,

i would totally hate her/him.

.

is it a trait in these kind of people?

to not really need but just wanted to be?

.

the things that i like to do mostly don’t require people,

and i find it hard to even like people;

but when i do i get pissed off when they don’t like me back

and then i do unimaginable things just to show that i am likable/ remarkable/ special/ fantastical

yeah, i am so cocky like that.

.

i do what i want and i don’t really explain myself

i keep, store, and guard over my things like they’re all my little treasures that i could not and would not give away, even just a little.

i arrange and put them so that they’re together, but safe. 

i like reading but i don’t like sharing my stories with people who doesn’t have anything to share in return

i only cry in public when i need to use it for something (like getting myself out of certain situations)

i don’t lie but i don’t exactly tell the truth either

i just glide my way out of things

and sometimes when i don’t get what i want i sometimes miraculously end up finding reasons to say that it’s someone else’ fault.

i always believe that even if i was wrong i would somehow find what’s right and be right in the end

(so naturally i like to assume that i was right all along. right from the beginning).

i love myself too much to love anybody else

i like to take care of myself and the people around me because i feel good about it.

.

i saw through his collections

there are a few patterns of similarity

it’s very contradicting when i compare our differences

and found that there are places where we are almost similar

almost.

(but not quite).

it’s baffling how irritated i feel.

.

he doesn’t even talk that much (except for people that he finds tolerable).

he does all the important things,

all those big, laudable, eye-opening feat.

he doesn’t need people around him, (not that much)

and he just does whatever he wants whenever he wants to.

nothing can hold him back

and nothing can make him stay.

he lives in his own world

.

i love my world

my home and my homies

but when he’s all nonchalant about it

i get so pissed off

because if i think something is something, then it is something of value (because i believe in it that much).

.

he reads (a lot. some of it i’ve read, some a little bit hard core, but some a little too tame for my taste).

he collects things. (books. magazines. tomes. cDs. dvDs. gadgets).

he likes putting them  in good appropriate arrangements as if he treasures them all together in one place (perfect and just right).

he has people who do things for him but wouldn’t ask for anything in return.

.

he has all the right things (almost) all the time

it’s annoying me beyond belief.

.

how can he have all that and still be him?

it’s a puzzle i don’t like to solve.

.

you don’t know this

Published September 22, 2010 by crystalights

 

waktu bergulir lambat

merantai langkah perjalanan kita

berjuta cerita terukir dalam

menjadi sebuah dilema

.

when i was a little girl growing up there was this one thing that lived in my thoughts.

it was one of those things that i wanted to be.

it slipped my mind for a while because growing up makes me feel like i’m just dreaming an unrealistic, ridiculous, unfathomable, almost impossible, wish.

i thought i got over it but then after a few years it came back inside my head.

when i think of what i wanted to do, that was it.

it was one of those things that i find myself keep going back to

because it makes me feel right. somehow.

i actually find myself trying to head towards it in one way or another

but still

i have yet to arrive.

.

i’m not there yet.

and it feels a little too long

.

so here i find myself going back to this

“what can i do?”

.

i feel like i can do this.

what i need is

just one chance.

i’m just looking for one chance

for me.

.

but i guess life isn’t always full of chances

.

maybe that’s why i always have this little uncomfortable feeling whenever i look at people like her.

because if i was her

if i was that person

if i were you

holding the world right in my hands

the first thing i’d do is thank the stars above

.

if i had what you have

why would i feel discontented?

you have people who listens to you

who pays attention to your needs

who gives you whatever you wished for

and gives in to your whims and fancies any time any where

everywhere you go you don’t have to go through any trouble

people just follow you like your every word is the law.

.

there is so much that you can do with the things that you have

one person like you can make so much difference to several different people in a lifetime

you could reach out and do anything other than for your own personal gain

and people would gladly take your hand and cherish it

and appreciate every line of it.

.

with what you have, you could have done so much more.

.

sometimes i kinda wished you did.

.

so that i know that this kind of gift doesn’t just fall upon any random soul

.

just strangers in a car.

Published September 22, 2010 by crystalights

 

once upon a wednesday;

:::

him: “so where do you live?”

me: “??” *looking puzzled*

him: “i saw you around here before and was wondering where you live..”

me: “urmm..i’m gonna answer your question with a question, so you have to answer my question first.”

him: “okay.”

me: “what is the title track of fergie’s debut single when she first went solo from black eyed peas?”

(wow. i was actually trying to gauge his age using a music question. wayy subtle, ay).

him: *starts to guess random song names*

me: “no.”

(unfortunately, all his guesses were wrong).

and the car moves and somehow stopped at a parking lot.

him: “so we both won’t (do or) be like anything else after this?”

me: “..”

(be? what is there to be?)

me: “urmm.. you’ll see me around here, i guess.”

(and that is if i am ever around here. but that’s a big hint already and i can’t say more -it’s not my style).

and then someone was parking (or showing me how to park).

and then i woke up.

.

LOL at the random dream.

even in my dreams i’m bitchy and flighty at the same time!

ughh~

(but i saw his face. he has good cheeks with thick black hair).

(and my heart would have beaten a little faster if he asked for my number, huhu. wait. eww~ *background vomiting sounds*)

okay. (that was random).

.

of roles and duties. and life and living.

Published September 21, 2010 by crystalights

 

my father has a certain way of doing things that he expects people to follow.

most of the time, i just go along with it.

but sometimes,

some very rare times,

i can’t.

.

sometimes

i can’t really deliver what is expected of me.

.

he believes in back up plans

in raking in more than you need (even when you only need one and will only choose one in the end)

he likes more than one option

more than one solution

more than just average grades

more than just a couple of distinctions

.

perhaps to him, more is more is the absolute must.

.

if i can’t deliver his expectations at one point

then somehow i’ll end up somewhere where i have to somehow do it

there is no long-term escape

just options and more pathways for me to fulfill what he seeks

.

sometimes i just do whatever is requested of me

even when it makes me look or feel crazy

as long as it’s physically / intellectually feasible

i just do it.

i just live with it.

.

but sometimes i believe in different things

like losing money but gaining time.

if i get time. then why does money matter?

if i get knowledge / information, should money matter?

.

like what happened today.

i want to just get my pics from any random photostudio shop, i don’t really care.

it’s just a photo for my application form. (tomorrow’s the deadline).

but he wants to take the time to print it at home,

choose the right settings, the right size,

cutting it down in his own manner

and then using his own adhesive for sticking it on

and his own method of ensuring its quality.

everything is his own

perfection right down to the details.

.

(and now i’m not so sure if i won’t miss the deadline in the next 24 hours).

.

well

imagine these ideals of his applied to everything else.

.

i was sent to several different schools throughout my entire primary and secondary years,

and some of the schools are not even a district apart.

just because he thinks one is better than the other

(but well, most of the time..i hate to say that he’s right).

i was very unwilling at that point.. only to be sent somewhere else and then at the end of it was him proving to me of how precise his decision was.

.

i was in highschool back then

when he was in the car with my mum and the kids, waiting for the whole of my 1 hour chemistry class to finish every wednesday of the week (because it takes a half hour to get there and another half hour to get back. so he just sends me and waits there until i finish for about an hour later).

and then he sends me for my 3 hour biology class every friday and some other day of the week

and my add maths classes

and physics classes.

they’re all extra classes per week. he chose the teachers. and the schools they come from.

.

hand picked.

self-chosen.

personalized.

.

so this is how i live.

it’s not easy, but at least it’s a way of living.

.

it wasn’t that wonderful for me.

but somehow he works things out.

.

and i grew up thinking that every man out there has to at least have the capabilities of this man

who isn’t all that amazing but a capable, able man afterall.

afterall.

i needed someone whom i can respect. in one way or another.

someone who wasn’t easily defeated.

.

we don’t necessarily have to like each other

but we have to live our roles

and fulfill our responsibilities

to live for the purpose of which we are created

to be what we must be

what we should be.

.

sometimes you can’t have everything

there is always something that you have to lose in order for something else to be gained

but if it is your duty is there any excuse for you to just let go?

i guess i believe in that too much.

.

i believe that if everyone lives up to their roles and duties and responsibilities than this world would have been a better place

because no one would be squished aside for the sake of another person’s self importance.

.

deserving

Published September 20, 2010 by crystalights

 

if it weren’t for your money and fame and that face

what else do you have to offer?

what else is there that is worth the time?

.

the things that you want

that you are looking for,

can you take them all by giving something worth it in return?

something other than the things that you own

.

or are you just another self-claimed supposedly deserving taker?

.