of roles and duties. and life and living.

Published September 21, 2010 by crystalights

 

my father has a certain way of doing things that he expects people to follow.

most of the time, i just go along with it.

but sometimes,

some very rare times,

i can’t.

.

sometimes

i can’t really deliver what is expected of me.

.

he believes in back up plans

in raking in more than you need (even when you only need one and will only choose one in the end)

he likes more than one option

more than one solution

more than just average grades

more than just a couple of distinctions

.

perhaps to him, more is more is the absolute must.

.

if i can’t deliver his expectations at one point

then somehow i’ll end up somewhere where i have to somehow do it

there is no long-term escape

just options and more pathways for me to fulfill what he seeks

.

sometimes i just do whatever is requested of me

even when it makes me look or feel crazy

as long as it’s physically / intellectually feasible

i just do it.

i just live with it.

.

but sometimes i believe in different things

like losing money but gaining time.

if i get time. then why does money matter?

if i get knowledge / information, should money matter?

.

like what happened today.

i want to just get my pics from any random photostudio shop, i don’t really care.

it’s just a photo for my application form. (tomorrow’s the deadline).

but he wants to take the time to print it at home,

choose the right settings, the right size,

cutting it down in his own manner

and then using his own adhesive for sticking it on

and his own method of ensuring its quality.

everything is his own

perfection right down to the details.

.

(and now i’m not so sure if i won’t miss the deadline in the next 24 hours).

.

well

imagine these ideals of his applied to everything else.

.

i was sent to several different schools throughout my entire primary and secondary years,

and some of the schools are not even a district apart.

just because he thinks one is better than the other

(but well, most of the time..i hate to say that he’s right).

i was very unwilling at that point.. only to be sent somewhere else and then at the end of it was him proving to me of how precise his decision was.

.

i was in highschool back then

when he was in the car with my mum and the kids, waiting for the whole of my 1 hour chemistry class to finish every wednesday of the week (because it takes a half hour to get there and another half hour to get back. so he just sends me and waits there until i finish for about an hour later).

and then he sends me for my 3 hour biology class every friday and some other day of the week

and my add maths classes

and physics classes.

they’re all extra classes per week. he chose the teachers. and the schools they come from.

.

hand picked.

self-chosen.

personalized.

.

so this is how i live.

it’s not easy, but at least it’s a way of living.

.

it wasn’t that wonderful for me.

but somehow he works things out.

.

and i grew up thinking that every man out there has to at least have the capabilities of this man

who isn’t all that amazing but a capable, able man afterall.

afterall.

i needed someone whom i can respect. in one way or another.

someone who wasn’t easily defeated.

.

we don’t necessarily have to like each other

but we have to live our roles

and fulfill our responsibilities

to live for the purpose of which we are created

to be what we must be

what we should be.

.

sometimes you can’t have everything

there is always something that you have to lose in order for something else to be gained

but if it is your duty is there any excuse for you to just let go?

i guess i believe in that too much.

.

i believe that if everyone lives up to their roles and duties and responsibilities than this world would have been a better place

because no one would be squished aside for the sake of another person’s self importance.

.

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