home is where the heart is.

Published September 27, 2010 by crystalights

 

sometimes i don’t really like my mum’s friends.

i think they’re lucky to have a friend like my mum who doesn’t mind spending her time and effort on people like that.

my mum has this habit of pampering people.

she just takes care of them like it’s her business.

i’m uncomfortable whenever they’re around.

i can’t smile and be nice because i don’t want to get involved with her circle of people and also because i just don’t do that sort of thing to everyone.

.

and then there’s their kids.

maybe i don’t understand what kids these days want (or need).

but i just don’t feel it’s right.

it’s weird.

everytime my little brothers go out and play i feel like i need to know where they are, who they’re with, what they’re doing.

sometimes i don’t even want to let them go out and play.

i feel like putting a tracking system on their ankles with walkie talkies so that i can call them home anytime i want to.

so i don’t really feel alright with kids (whom i don’t know) hanging at my house to play (even if they’re my mum’s friends’ children).

and this is like almost every day of the week.

they are a plural bunch of kids

who just come from wherever, whenever, regardless of whether or not their mothers are around.

i can’t tell them to go home, can i?

i just have to keep on picking up after all the mess while trying to make sure that no properties are lost or damaged and that the house is still secure and in an acceptable condition.

i get worried everytime the house is open and exposed because there’s always people whom i don’t know popping up out of nowhere,

and i can’t really chase them away or pass some cynical, snide remarks because my mum wouldn’t allow it (i did that before and she put me to suffer through a guilt trip)

it’s incomprehensible.

i don’t feel comfortable letting my little brothers hang around in other people’s places for so long and be all rowdy and extra-imposing,

so i don’t understand why people are comfortable leaving little kids in my place, in my home for so long who are mostly a rowdy and extra-imposing bunch.

.

i wished that my older sister doesn’t bail all the time

.

it’s like i have 2 little brothers AND 2 little sisters instead of 2 little brothers with 1 little sister and 1 older sistr.

i don’t even really know what it feels like to just grow up with a sister that i can depend on or a sister i can just have fun with.

all this time the kind of life that i’ve known is the kind where i have to carry the weight of things on my own and keep things going on my own

my older sister’s always been that way,

my younger sister grew up away from home because of her place of study,

my little brothers are just too little to understand,

and my parents aren’t always around.

as a kid growing up, life as i know it are usually spent on my own.

.

even when you have friends it’s different when you have your family with you

it wasn’t really friendship that i needed all the time, at that time.

.

it’s emotionally and physically exhausting.

.

and now that i’ve grown up and no longer a kid i know that somehow all that is part of what made me this way.

.

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