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All posts for the month October, 2010

think about it (before your heart leaps)

Published October 27, 2010 by crystalights

 

kata-kata baik dan nasihat (?)

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why?

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byk je org dlm dunia ni yg penuh hemah menutur kata-kata baik dan nasihat,

why her?

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byk je org dlm dunia ni yg mengajak pada kebaikan,

so why her?

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why is she the one.

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is it because of her reasons?

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sbb simpati dier pada org lain, so dier menasihati.

hbis tu, 

klau org yg inginkan yg baik utk semua so dier menasihati,

itu tak sebaik org yg menasihati kerana simpati ke?

menginginkan hanya yg baik utk semua insan tu tak sebaik berasa simpati sesama insan ke?

whatever the reasons, the actions are the same

though

whatever the actions, the people are not the same.

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right now i’m guessing

you could be in love with this person

not because of how she is inside

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because

whatever good things that you see in her

we can see the same kind of good things in a lot of other people

(but they’re not her, right? they don’t make you feel like this).

i think that

if you only see her

then you’ll only see her good-ness.

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because seriously,

i think that she is a person consistently showering people with her good side just as expected of someone who is constantly showered with the good things that life has to offer.

in other words: because you’re always dipped in all the goodness that life has to offer (to you), you shine clearly with all the goodness that found you.

it is hard to be hateful and bitter and spiteful when all you’ve ever had are good, great things at the palm of your hands.

i think that there are other good people in this world who deserved better.

i think that people who have been through immense hardships, harshness, trouble, trials, and tribulations and still choose to do good and be good are as beautiful inside as people who’s raised with the good things in life and then does good and be good.

because it takes a lot for such people to not succumb to their conditions and emotions

so they are beautiful on the inside because they are that good.

because they are nothing short of amazing

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so what about them?

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i know it’s easier to see the good in one person if that person is the only one that you see.

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if it wasn’t for her perfect life and her perfect features and her perfect clichés would you have deemed her a perfectly good person?

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would you have seen what you didn’t see?

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(i thought so).

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of people and dissapointments

Published October 25, 2010 by crystalights

 

aku rase sbb tu kot aku ni mcm ni.

sbb aku dah biase hadapi keadaan dimana org yg aku harapkan tak boleh aku harapkan.

last2 aku jugak yg selesaikan masalah.

mintak tolong pd org hanye memenatkan badan aku je.

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jadi

aku rase aku memang tak boleh depend on anyone other than me.

aku nak percaye pun susah.

sbb byk masalah.

byk kesakitan.

byk keharu-biruan.

byk kegelapan.

i think in life the only constant that is omnipresent and forever present is god.

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and with that i rest my case.

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(yes my heart hurts. my back hurts. everything seems to hurt more when you’re pushed to your limits).

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seolah2 dier tak kisah pun psl keselamatan (aku).

yg dier sibuk nak ambik kisah is how much money i can save and earn.

nak suruh aku go gang up with some strangers in another land who wouldn’t mind pitching together cash to save on accomodations. how NICE.

i mean, how nice is that, putting aside the possibilities of finding good, civilized people with no ulterior motives and no criminal record amongst all those whom i don’t really know.

NICE.

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why not you just feed me to the sharks and take all my money?

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at least then i don’t have to think about how on earth i put up with your demands.

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the rage post.

Published October 25, 2010 by crystalights

 

memang la aku takde penjage kt situ, tapi dah ade dlm borang tu mestila aku tanye.

takkan nak suruh aku hentam kromo je dlm borang rasmi, babe.

aku pun malas nak bising2.

tapi kalau aku biarkan kosong nanti ntah aper hal la plak yg jadi.

cube la faham.

jgn la asek nak negative je bile aku b’ckp. bile aku b’tanye.

(klau boleh aku pun tak nak tanye. aku lebih rela cari jawapan or penyelesaian sendiri).

tapi dah urgent mcm ni. nak buat camane.

cube la dgar. fikir. dan faham.

ni tidak,

dah la tak tgok pun borang tu, pas tu bile aku tanye nak bengang2 pulak.

bile aku ckp aku tak nak look like i’m asking for help from that person, dier plak marah aku saying that “it wouldn’t get to that extent and even if it did, what’s the problem?”

sekian lame aku kat sini,

boleh plak dier tanye “aper masalahnye?”

mcm tak paham pulak aper masalahnye kat sini.

.

everytime aku ckp pasal benda yg LOGIC, SERIOUS, dan PENTING, dier mesti nak respond dgn menunjukkan betape TAK LOGIC, TAK SERIOUS dan TAK PENTINGnye ckp2 aku.

mcm bile aku ckp psl “living in a foreign place”, “the person to be put under a particular section of those forms”,  “my arm turning dark purple 24hours after the blood extraction”, sumenye mcm takde benda je.

mcm ckp dgn tembok.

padahal aku nak dgar la solutionnye kalau tak semua pun at least satu respond yg proper.

bukannyer : “alah kau ni..” *dengus* *kerut muke* *dengus*

*dengus* *kerut muke* *dengus*

pas tu bengang2 mcm nak marah.

.

yg lagi sorg tu pulak

dah susah2 dpt butiran dan alamat,

tibe2 he tells me to log in to his mail and send that guy an email, asking for his address.

dah la address tu dah ade. nak jugak tanye lagi (konon takut salah).

lepas tu nak suruh aku pulak tu yg buat.

dah la aku tak nak ade kene-mengena pun.

pas tu bile org tu online dier suruh aku talk to him (about anything that i want to ask).

i was like : come on la tak boleh ke kiter just stick to what we need and get it over and done with. why must we effin’ involve everyone in everything??!?

why does he insist on me sending that guy an email and going online?

why does she NOT see the direction that this is heading to (like what i’ve been telling her all along), and the gravity of my situation?

why do i have to involve all these people yg tak berkenaan into my affairs?

does it look like i’m enjoying letting the whole world know of my current life affairs?

is it written on my face, a huge : HEY PEOPLE COME JUMP IN AND POKE YOUR NOSES INTO MY CURRENT STATE OF LIFE!!

is that what you see?

is that it?

if it is maybe i should punch someone to make them unsee it.

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gelabah kecoh bersepai betul la.

kalau org lain tak tahu, tak boleh ke?

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aku tak nak libatkan dier.

tak nak hutang budi dgn dier (dan keluarge dier).

tak nak ader kene-mengena pun dgn family dier.

sbb aku rase aku tak perlu merendahkan kluarge aku dgn meninggikan kluarge dier.

kluarge dier same je mcm sume kluarge2 yg lain dlm family tree tu.

bukannye sape2 lagi bagus dari sesiape pun.

lagipun buat ape nak susahkan diri terlibat dgn family dier.

nanti mcm2 pulak yg kiter kene buat (padahal kiter bukannye slalu buat pun aper yg kluarge dier buat).

tujuan, niat, dan keperluan kite pun tak same.

jadi biarla kiter pilih jalan masing2.

tak payah la sume bnda nak libatkan sume kluarge.

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i have things that i believe in.

and that includes staying away from the people that i don’t fancy.

it works better for me because at least i can avoid looking at their flaws through a magnifying glass.

one small speck as if one large heap.

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so just..get over it.

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just stop.

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aku yang penat rimas lemas panas

Published October 24, 2010 by crystalights

 

i just don’t want people to know.

what is soo damn wrong about that?

i have nothing to be proud of.

lagi byk org tahu, lagi besar tekanan aku.

lagi sesak hati aku.

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he doesn’t seem to want to stop telling people.

i think by now some of his friends already know.

she, on the other hand, keeps responding negatively to me when i speak of my concerns.

and sometimes it’s like she doesn’t even know of my current condition.

hari tu dier call sane, tanye psl something yg sbnrnye tak perlu smpai call pun.

pas tu bile org tu tanye dier balik (pasal aku), dier jwb yg aku tgh in the starting process of something.

pdahal the initial process dah settle pun.

(mcmane dier boleh tak tau aku dah settle the initial process? i told her every single thing, every single time. and yet she doesn’t know. it’s like all those things that i’ve said over the past couple of months just disappeared from her head).

from the other side of that phonecall it looks like : “eleh baru nak starting dah tanye2 mcm ni”.

padahal aku bukannye baru nak start.

aku bukannye suke2 nak tanye pun.

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and then today dier hantar msg utk tanye org sane.

pas tu bile org tu call dier ckp mcm ni : “utk letak org utk di refer/contact kalau ade ape2 nanti”.

ckp je la i need that name to fill in the forms. tak pyh la ckp mcm aku nak mintak tlg klau ade ape2 nanti.

nampak mcm aku ni nak mintak tlg sgt.

ni kan cume stakat nak penuhkan borang je.

dah la tempat kita tak same.

jauhnye bukan stakat 10 mnit boleh smpai.

aku tak nak la smpai org rase terbeban pulak.

mesti ke nak libatkan org lain?

aku tak suke org fikir bahawa aku ni perlu dijaga.

i’m not a little child that needs to be taken care of.

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dah la byk org yg tak berkaitan dah tahu.

pas tu org yg memang berkaitan pulak tak diberitahu dgn jelas about how dier tu berkaitan.

silap2 dier ingat aku ni nak mintak tlg dier uruskan aku.

padahal kaitan kita hanye pada nama.

i don’t have to share my life’s details just because of the relationship of our families.

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i don’t even know if i want to do this.

but at this point i know that what i want doesn’t matter.

i just have to pull myself together for this.

dah la aku rase sesak hati bile pkir pasal ni

aku tak sure pun aku nak buat ke tidak,

boleh buat ke tidak.

pas tu benda kecik2 yg aku mintak utk rahsiakan pun tak dapat.

dah la aku kena dgar ckp, ikut kata, turut titah (for something as unimaginable as this),

then dlm nak uruskan the whole thing pun nak desak2 aku and push me to the edge.

pas tu aku request utk keep it quiet pun tak boleh.

klau sume kene dgar ckp korg then korg je la yg pergi.

aku rase, right from the first day hati aku tak pernah aman.

i wanna do what i think my life needs,

not put on a show for the entire world to know.

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tak perlu la beritahu semua org

aku yang rase malu.

malu sgt sbb ni bukannye pencapaian yg nak dibanggakan,

mungkin ini ujian yg perlu ditempuh & dijalani.

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my life is not a show.

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i’m sick of having to live up to that kind of expectations

aku rimas.

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kalau sampai masenye nanti biar la aku sendiri yg beritahu sesiapa pun yg aku nak beritahu.

itu lebih baik dari pukul canang seawal ini.

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tolong la kembali berpijak di dunia nyata.

this is not a fairytale.

this isn’t the best thing to ever happen in our entire lives.

this is just another chapter of my unexpected life story.

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just stop fussing and pushing and egging me on.

aku penat. rimas. lemas.

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a very long day.

Published October 23, 2010 by crystalights

 

so i went for the medical checkup this morning.

and they were trying to draw blood from my arm.

my veins weren’t visible

so it was like “we’ll just try this first” sort of uncertain kind of needle-poking.

so the 1st doctor extracted blood on my left arm

it wasn’t enough so

the 2nd doctor did it on the right arm.

of course. i was screaming by then. with both doctors holding onto both arms.

it hurts like hell.

(my arms are bruised by now. i think there was something wrong with the needle insertion on the left arm).

i was screaming for my mom (but she’s..you know. my mom).

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whatever.

i thought the urine test was the most challenging (because i already went to the toilet before coming there)

but

the awkward part was probably the x-ray.

(holy cow- the attendant’s instructions blasted through the speakers from the control room! there’s even a little window to see my position from where she was).

even my x-ray film looks weird (i think my heart looks kinda small).

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my mom says the doctor treats studying patients differently.

like students get better treatment.

(she even asked me if i was married and advised me to have a plan (?) of doing so because it ain’t easy to be alone when you’re all wrinkly. haha).

she says she’s seen those studying lots who stayed single (?)

idek. but i don’t have to think about that now. right?

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anyway.

i’m tired. i said i wanna stop filling those forms for a bit because my back was already hurting (it has been like two days with all those forms) and then i heard him hiss-

like: “yeah i knew you just wouldn’t get it all done A.S.A.P, wouldn’t you?”

and so i just walked away.

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whatever.

i love my back. why should i sacrifice it just to make you shut up?

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before everything falls

Published October 22, 2010 by crystalights

 

he is angry because (according to him) i am:

  1. taking too much time,
  2. inefficient (unlike him),
  3. having issues with how other people (like him) deal with things (which i don’t have to waste my thoughts on, according to him).

i am angry because (i’m gonna say this ONCE and FOR ALL):

  1. IT’S NOT EVEN MY FAULT.
  2. SCREW EFFICIENCY, I AM AS EFFICIENT AS I AM METICULOUS AND PATIENT. I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE WAY I DEAL WITH THINGS, SO WHY SHOULD HE.
  3. I DON’T HAVE ISSUES WITH HOW OTHER PEOPLE DO THINGS, I HAVE  ISSUES WHEN HOW THEY DO THINGS AFFECT ME. I BELIEVE THAT MY WAY IS THE BETTER WAY (because when you rush into things you may not see it when they fall apart).

only fools rush in. and i believe that i am not a fool.

so yes.

i believe in reading through documents before signing them, reading through forms before filling them.

i believe in reading through agreements before involving myself, and the people around me, with them.

i believe in that kind of SAFE life practices.

i don’t have a problem with that.

what i do have a problem with, is people who snap and scream at me (in a random place) just because i disagree with such impetous, reckless ways. 

this is how i live.

how i try to avoid mistakes and take care of things.

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it’s unbelievable for you to judge my entire life ethics based on this ONE thing,

no, it’s downright insulting.

i don’t care too much about my pride right at this moment, but something about your words gave me a hint of how repulsive you find my way of life to be,

and i can’t help but be surprised by your lack of insight and hindsight in a situation like this.

it was..shocking.

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i’m 23.

you can’t get angry at me for refusing your way of life.

this is MY life, afterall.

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this is believable, right?

Published October 21, 2010 by crystalights

 

wow.

i was. surprised.

(and thankful)

alhamdulillah.

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feelings:

just a tiny bit happy, a lot confused, puzzled, alarmed, nervous, melancholic.

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thoughts:

very worried if i lost my chances of knowing more about what i needed to know because i thought that everything should already be stated in the details, right? (MUST MUST MUST ASK LATER!)

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personal thoughts:

i don’t know if i can do this. but i know that i can’t just not do this. there is a difference between doing what you want and doing what you have to do [quote: kim key!]. so yes i think i understand what he means when he said that.

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flash backs:

that phonecall during my final year industrial attachment presentation day to my dad when i first really, completely told him of what i wanted to do. it was probably one of those emotionally driven decisions of my life.

i was standing in the laboratory building by the staircase looking out the balcony with a phone up my ear for about an hour. he was just bugging me to finish what i was doing first and only then can i really search for the what and where of my plans. i was probably just being emotionally insecure (or plain stupid) at that time to come up with something like this (i don’t quite know). heck, i don’t even know if i would make the same decision if i could turn back the hands of time. but for now i can’t say that i regret this (because then i’ll have to be real stupid).

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several things in mind:

  1. help my mum with what she wants to do.
  2. travelling with my lil sister.
  3. perfecting the condition of our home.
  4. cry.

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i guess i am no longer full of words.

so there

(is this closure. yet?)

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