[beach view, 2008]
once upon a time, there was an empty spot. by the beach.
an entourage of people arrived the night before. they were a big group, but they were supposedly settling in just fine.
a girl was found making her way to the camp on her own.
she came together with her friend, but she’d forgotten that her friend came with her friends.
when they were assigned into groups, Girl found that she was the only one not practically glued to her assigned group because she was thinking: “i came here with my friend. it’s not right to just leave a friend like that.”
but her group was very warm. they were a nice bunch of people, but since Girl doesn’t really have that habit of staying long with people she’s just put together with, Girl found herself walking around, still searching for her friend who came with her.
it turns out that she was the only one who was searching.
flash forward to a year later,
Girl was waiting for her friend.
lately she seems to be very preoccupied with people, so Girl understands if she comes back a little late.
as the night grew dark, Girl was searching and wondering when her friend would return.
it turns out she was still the only one who was searching.
flash forward to a year and a half later,
Girl was trying to get a place to stay.
she asked her friend first (like always) if she was interested, but it seems like she wasn’t.
Girl asked her but she was telling Girl how unsure she was. she even said that maybe she’ll just stay in her family home because there’s too much to pay for.
so Girl got there alone.
a few days after finally settling in, Girl found out that her friend was staying nearby with her friends.
Girl was all the while thinking and searching for a different roomate.
it turns out that she was still the only one who was still searching.
flash forward to two years later,
they were supposed to attend a ceremony together.
arriving late, they had to look around for a suitable table.
Girl found one almost full with her acquaintances, but just as they were about to sit down she realized that there isn’t another seat for her other friend who was on her own, getting ready.
Girl got up, turned to her friend and telling her of the inadequate seat for their other friend, half-expecting that the friend would get up too and follow her to the adjacent table with enough seatings for them.
so Girl went to check on her other friend and came back with that other friend to the adjacent table and while getting her seat, Girl was partly looking for where her earlier friend could be.
halfway looking and searching Girl saw sudden flashes of light across the previous table : photos were already taken. right at the table where her earlier friend sat.
it turns out that Girl was still the only one who was still searching.
flash forward to two years later,
Girl knew her friend was involved with someone, but she doesn’t know how involved is involved.
not a word was truly spoken of her actual involvement with that certain someone.
Girl wasn’t one who’d pry when one wasn’t telling, so Girl assumed that it was just one of those random secrets.
but then Girl found out that her other friends know.
what was thought to be a secret to Girl, was actually not a secret to her other friends.
Girl told herself that maybe when the right time comes Girl will finally be told of the secret too.
it turns out that it doesn’t matter if the right time will ever come.
her friend was finally betrothed.
but Girl didn’t know about it. not until it was all done.
Girl thought about searching for the “when”s and “who”s and “how”s and “why”s.
it turns out she was still, still, still the only one still searching.
so Girl realized that she was the one always, always searching.
but then she understood that maybe, the reason that she’s still searching was because she wasn’t searching for the right thing.
a whirl of human attachments are as fragile and unsturdy as a broken string
no matter how you play it, it doesn’t sound quite right.
no matter how she looks at it,
Girl was the foolish girl who doesn’t understand.
stupid girl should have known,
should have known
that it was her own fault for being so foolish.
flash back to the beach,
it was no wonder how an empty spot by the beach was one of her only few pictures there.
maybe Girl knows that it doesn’t take a lot to capture emptiness.
maybe Girl isn’t so foolish afterall.