personally, i don’t usually like writing something like this down
but because i somehow feel that it’s a big contributing factor to my feelings and actions for tonight, then i guess i’m jst gonna write it down anyway.
: it’s that time of the month again.
and i don’t feel so fine.
i am often emotionally unarmed at times like this.
it’s unnerving to be so vulnerable.
i feel so stupid.
i wanna ask dad about my potential students but he’s been rather pre-occupied lately.
sometimes i feel like i’m in the way
so i guess i just try to stay out of his way (so that he won’t give me a hard time for not doing what he wants a few months ago and ending up like this)
no regrets, remember?
i did what i felt was right at that time anyway.
but afterwards when i wanted to do what i should do he wouldn’t let me
so technically, i tried.
he’s just somehow always in the way.
or maybe, we’re always in each other’s way
sometimes i feel like i’m suffocating underneath all that but i still do it because i couldn’t stand the catastrophic aftereffects if i don’t.
it wasn’t because i was afraid of what would happen
it’s because i can somehow predict how it would be
like a premature intuition
the end is what i was trying to avoid.
i feel so old
but i’m not even anywhere yet.
i could just sleep it off
but i know it would come back and haunt me when i open my eyes
it’s like a constant thought submerged in my subconsciousness
: all this time, what have i ever done that was truly what i wanted to do?
did i just take all that is wanted of me and turn it into what i want?
is it just my head going on autopilot, reprogramming itself to accept what is expected of me as my own and work for it?
i wanna do what i want
and work a job i love the most.
if my mum says okay then i won’t have to reconsider whatever dad would think.
but my mum won’t be the one who’d say okay if my dad says no.
i only need my mum to say okay but i’m always back at square one.
i’m 23 and i’m stuck.