let me be

Published October 15, 2010 by crystalights

 

personally, i don’t usually like writing something like this down

but because i somehow feel that it’s a big contributing factor to my feelings and actions for tonight, then i guess i’m jst gonna write it down anyway.

: it’s that time of the month again.

and i don’t feel so fine.

.

i am often emotionally unarmed at times like this.

it’s unnerving to be so vulnerable.

yeah.

i feel so stupid.

.

i wanna ask dad about my potential students but he’s been rather pre-occupied lately.

sometimes i feel like i’m in the way

so i guess i just try to stay out of his way (so that he won’t give me a hard time for not doing what he wants a few months ago and ending up like this)

no regrets, remember?

i did what i felt was right at that time anyway.

but afterwards when i wanted to do what i should do he wouldn’t let me

so technically, i tried.

he’s just somehow always in the way.

or maybe, we’re always in each other’s way

sometimes i feel like i’m suffocating underneath all that but i still do it because i couldn’t stand the catastrophic aftereffects if i don’t.

.

it wasn’t because i was afraid of what would happen

it’s because i can somehow predict how it would be

like a premature intuition

the end is what i was trying to avoid.

.

i feel so old

but i’m not even anywhere yet.

.

i could just sleep it off

but i know it would come back and haunt me when i open my eyes

it’s like a constant thought submerged in my subconsciousness

: all this time, what have i ever done that was truly what i wanted to do?

did i just take all that is wanted of me and turn it into what i want?

is it just my head going on autopilot, reprogramming itself to accept what is expected of me as my own and work for it?

.

i wanna do what i want

and work a job i love the most.

.

if my mum says okay then i won’t have to reconsider whatever dad would think.

but my mum won’t be the one who’d say okay if my dad says no.

i only need my mum to say okay but i’m always back at square one.

.

i’m 23 and i’m stuck.

FML

.

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