aku yang penat rimas lemas panas

Published October 24, 2010 by crystalights

 

i just don’t want people to know.

what is soo damn wrong about that?

i have nothing to be proud of.

lagi byk org tahu, lagi besar tekanan aku.

lagi sesak hati aku.

.

he doesn’t seem to want to stop telling people.

i think by now some of his friends already know.

she, on the other hand, keeps responding negatively to me when i speak of my concerns.

and sometimes it’s like she doesn’t even know of my current condition.

hari tu dier call sane, tanye psl something yg sbnrnye tak perlu smpai call pun.

pas tu bile org tu tanye dier balik (pasal aku), dier jwb yg aku tgh in the starting process of something.

pdahal the initial process dah settle pun.

(mcmane dier boleh tak tau aku dah settle the initial process? i told her every single thing, every single time. and yet she doesn’t know. it’s like all those things that i’ve said over the past couple of months just disappeared from her head).

from the other side of that phonecall it looks like : “eleh baru nak starting dah tanye2 mcm ni”.

padahal aku bukannye baru nak start.

aku bukannye suke2 nak tanye pun.

.

and then today dier hantar msg utk tanye org sane.

pas tu bile org tu call dier ckp mcm ni : “utk letak org utk di refer/contact kalau ade ape2 nanti”.

ckp je la i need that name to fill in the forms. tak pyh la ckp mcm aku nak mintak tlg klau ade ape2 nanti.

nampak mcm aku ni nak mintak tlg sgt.

ni kan cume stakat nak penuhkan borang je.

dah la tempat kita tak same.

jauhnye bukan stakat 10 mnit boleh smpai.

aku tak nak la smpai org rase terbeban pulak.

mesti ke nak libatkan org lain?

aku tak suke org fikir bahawa aku ni perlu dijaga.

i’m not a little child that needs to be taken care of.

.

dah la byk org yg tak berkaitan dah tahu.

pas tu org yg memang berkaitan pulak tak diberitahu dgn jelas about how dier tu berkaitan.

silap2 dier ingat aku ni nak mintak tlg dier uruskan aku.

padahal kaitan kita hanye pada nama.

i don’t have to share my life’s details just because of the relationship of our families.

.

i don’t even know if i want to do this.

but at this point i know that what i want doesn’t matter.

i just have to pull myself together for this.

dah la aku rase sesak hati bile pkir pasal ni

aku tak sure pun aku nak buat ke tidak,

boleh buat ke tidak.

pas tu benda kecik2 yg aku mintak utk rahsiakan pun tak dapat.

dah la aku kena dgar ckp, ikut kata, turut titah (for something as unimaginable as this),

then dlm nak uruskan the whole thing pun nak desak2 aku and push me to the edge.

pas tu aku request utk keep it quiet pun tak boleh.

klau sume kene dgar ckp korg then korg je la yg pergi.

aku rase, right from the first day hati aku tak pernah aman.

i wanna do what i think my life needs,

not put on a show for the entire world to know.

.

tak perlu la beritahu semua org

aku yang rase malu.

malu sgt sbb ni bukannye pencapaian yg nak dibanggakan,

mungkin ini ujian yg perlu ditempuh & dijalani.

.

my life is not a show.

.

i’m sick of having to live up to that kind of expectations

aku rimas.

.

kalau sampai masenye nanti biar la aku sendiri yg beritahu sesiapa pun yg aku nak beritahu.

itu lebih baik dari pukul canang seawal ini.

.

tolong la kembali berpijak di dunia nyata.

this is not a fairytale.

this isn’t the best thing to ever happen in our entire lives.

this is just another chapter of my unexpected life story.

.

just stop fussing and pushing and egging me on.

aku penat. rimas. lemas.

.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: