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All posts for the month November, 2010

goodbye. graduation.

Published November 30, 2010 by crystalights

 

(stranded. and left with 1 car on our way home)

the thing is that

i don’t seek memories for me to keep.

i don’t really take them in for remembrance.

i just.. live.

with whatever i have.

.

but when i do keep them

they’ll be very private and dear to me.

this

is our family’s photo album.

it has most of our story,

from my mom’s youthful days

to my recent graduation.

i started it around 10 years ago, when i was 13 or so, after finding old photos of my mom and dad and our family and the places and things that we’ve been through as us.

i arranged them as chronologically precise as possible, and i tried to ensure that the important ones are there. there are even little notes and scribbles, telling stories of the events and places.

of all the things there is in this house,

this is one of those things which i would not want to share with people other than my family.

so i was surprised when it got to other people’s hands today.

i was surprised that it was brought out of my home.

it was supposed to just be kept in my sister’s room.

.

although i’m very expressive and loud at times,

i actually prefer to keep some things private.

even when i tend to speak a lot,

there are things i don’t like to share. with the whole world.

i believe in exclusive rights when it comes to these personal things.

because of the nature of such things it always gets personal.

.

people who don’t understand me probably won’t understand the workings of my family.

.

now i have to revise my add maths for a test which i can’t get away from this coming thursday.

i told  dad i don’t think i can do it.

as in : i don’t want to do it.

but he’s my dad. what do i expect?

the last time i got away with something, it ended up as an archived case (which he takes out every now and then just to remind me of how errored i was).

(maybe it’s a teacher/educator thing).

i don’t know.

i’m not sure what i’ll do but i’m gonna have to do something. soon.

.

my graduation is done.

i’m just counting the days i have left before the next chapter starts.

if my reports were received and my efforts were granted permission then i hope that things will finally be alright for me.

but it’s only with god’s grace and will.

.

and yes,

i have a few students on thursday afternoon or so.

it’ll be the first session.

don’t know how it’ll be so

fighting!

.

agony

Published November 25, 2010 by crystalights

 

so

3 dh jln.

3 lagi dlm rancangan.

aku (?)

ader la jugak rase melonjak2 hati nak bgtau,

tapi entah mcmane akhirnye aku tak ckp jugak.

dlm nak nak tu, ader la jugak tersimpan rase tak nak.

sebab

sebab aku takut.

takut menyesal.

i don’t know if i am capable of investing my time on people anymore.

sekarang memangla rase mcm : “come what may” mcm “bring it on”

tapi bile dah terkena betul2 entah2 gelabah.

.

aku bosan la.

sume kene dgar ckp dier.

aku slalu ikut kata wlwpun hati tak rela

because i am raised that way

to not turn against the ones whom you should show respect to.

maybe it’s an asian (or malay) thing.

or maybe i’m just trying to avoid unnecessary commotion.

maybe i don’t know when to stop.

tapi aku penat.

aku nak pergi bile masenye sesuai.

aku tak nak menyusahkan org.

aku tak suke mintak tolong.

aku rase sgt horrible bile terpakse ditolong org.

it’s this pride-dignity thing aku rase mcm tak boleh nak go on with my pride on the floor.

aku rela tggu lame2 dan dpt everythng sndiri dari tggu skejap dan dpt semua dgn bntuan org lain.

paham tak.

this is agony.

for someone like me.

this is the epitome of agony.

.

shopping. and people. and me.

Published November 25, 2010 by crystalights

 

these past few days made me realize that a lot of things on sale doesn’t really satisfy me.

i don’t go shopping all the time

but yesterday i was looking for the right pair of black leather heels,

and unfortunately even brand names doesn’t quite have the right kind

(that i would like).

i was trying to get that shoe-hunting mood to kick in even though i don’t really like wearing high heels

(because no matter how well-made they are they always seemed to hurt me in some way or another).

shoe shopping is always time consuming

when there’s so many that you don’t like.

at the end of it i just bought a pair that looks like something that i would probably wear if i am a 16 year old kid studying in a private school.

with some multiple colours of ankle length tights.

[i don’t understand why people don’t understand the term tights. tights generally are supposed to be from the waist to the toes. or any specified (shorter) length of your legs to the toes. if it doesn’t cover your foot and toes then it’s usually known as leggings. or unfooted tights (which may have a connecting stretch of material going underneath your foot). it’s not that hard. so i don’t understand why when i asked for ankle-length tights i get thin lycra leggings, tight pants or unfooted athletic tights].

just wiki it and you’ll (hopefully) get what i mean.

one more thing about leggings,

kalau perempuan bertudung dikatakan tak manis memakai leggings

maka tidaklah juga manis jika yg ber leggings itu perempuan yg tidak bertudung.

perempuan tetap perempuan.

leggings tetap leggings.

kalau tak manis utk seorang perempuan maka tak manis lah utk semua perempuan selagi mereka itu perempuan.

kalau rase salah dan tak suke, then jgn buat.

perlu ke tubuhkan kumpulan setiap kali ader sesuatu yg tak disukai ?

selesai ke masalah setiap kali ada sesuatu yg tak disukai, kumpulan2 anti-“something” or anti-“someone” pun muncul.

apa ertinya menjadi sebahagian dari kumpulan2 ini?

adakah dpt sampai message2 yg sepatutnya berniat murni or berunsurkan kebaikan?

ataupun kita sebenarnya meningkatkan permusuhan dan prasangka?

kalau niat kita baik kan elok kalau cara kita menyampaikan pun baik.

that is just something

that crossed my mind.

.

what i like is

rebuilding and refixing what is broken

i don’t mind spending a long time just sitting and sticking them back together

piece by piece.

(it was broken when we took it out of the box).

and now it’s an unbroken house again.

.

and i

put up with things if i feel like they’re rare

these patterns look rare to me.

sulam nyer tak berterabur

motif nyer kemas

bunga nyer berkelopak timbul

warnenye tak keras.

walaupun ader la sikit kain nyer yg tercalar

(tapi dah tinggal satu)

so i put up with it because i feel like it’s a bit rare.

.

i also don’t like things that are not very well done.

(who would like that ?)

the cream patterns look like they’re falling apart from each other. like they are un-unified.

too many gaps between each overlapping strokes.

too smudgy.

disorganized.

unharmonized.

i pay attention to details.

of all the cakes there are, of course i notice which one’s uncared for.

which one’s rushed.

which one had probably came from a pair of unsteady newbie’s hands.

so if the person is meticulous, they usually come off as very capable to me.

i like that sort of commitment coming from people.

.

hari ni ingat just nak jalan shopping brg sendiri sikit2

tapi singgah supermarket jugak beli brg2 mak nak utk esok.

we were later on at the cashier wanting to pay

and realizing that the total of those groceries (plus a few items more) was over our budget.

that was a major mood-spoiler.

.

the problem with me is that

i have this horrible temper that even i don’t like.

i kinda knew that

if i ever meet someone out there who has this exact same thing

i wouldn’t like him/her very much.

i get angry because my estimation of the groceries doesn’t match the actual cost.

i get angry because the shoe that i like that i thought was affordable was actually almost 160 bucks

and i refuse to pay 160 bucks for a pair of (un-brand-named) shoes because (even if they’re brand-named) i’m not Carrie Bradshaw (who pays like 600 bucks for her pair of “Manolo Blahnik”s) although i kinda really liked that shoe. at first sight. and i initially thought of buying it.

it’s this temper-principle-pride thing going on in me

that pisses (even) me off.

like not wanting to give something to someone who did something i don’t like and at the same time not even wanting that thing for myself

that i would rather throw it away than give it to someone who wants it just because that someone is someone i don’t like.

it’s like me being so damn difficult and harsh and bitter.

about almost everything.

.

i don’t really like that me too.

.

(and now i sound like a schizo)

.

sekarang

what i have been waiting and thinking about has finally arrived in my inbox today

and i realize that

there really isn’t anything much that i can do with it.

for now,

i don’t have the means to do what should be done.

i’m not born with a silver spoon in my mouth and a silver platter on my table.

i struggle with these things too as i grow up

in a five-siblings-with-only-one-working-parents family

.

in malaysia

you can get great food,

exceptional education, and

high quality medical services

if you have the cash.

as long as you can pay for it,

nothing should really be in the way of you getting your every wish and command.

being rich guarantees you at least that much.

for the rich (and the famous) life shouldn’t be much of a problem in this country.

.

for the rest of us “less-privileged” people,

we have to fight for a place in an institution

fight for a chance to study

fight for the use of a few facilities and utilities

fight for a chance to have someone support us and our cause

fight for an adequately paying job

and then suffer through taxes and price hikes and whatnot.

life is rough and brittle when you’re worn and penniless.

they say

“money isn’t everything”,

“money can’t buy love”,

but money speaks enough. for people.

and what does love got to do with any of it?

i guess

love can’t save people from hunger and pain,

love is never enough

never forever.

.

hell no, love can’t even save people from themselves.

.

so i don’t know what makes the world go round,

but one thing i am certain is that

it is not love.

.

anger yg kesat.

Published November 22, 2010 by crystalights

 

kalau aku tak jumpe dan tak isi borng tu sekarang pun, nanti bile aku nak buat tuntutan pun aku boleh ambik dari pejabat dan isi.

takde masalah.

tak pyh bising2.

tak perlu pun lengkapkan sekarang, tuntutan tu bukannye boleh dibuat sekarang pun.

so shut up.

this is my life.

my scroll.

i’ll take care of it when the time comes.

.

sometimes i do feel like i hate my first degree because it has caused me so much but it still takes in so much more.

i have someone yapping on my back about what i should and must do.

i have things i don’t like i have to attend.

i have my loan-provider sending a letter asking for my advance payment already.

i have things i don’t even want to remember.

a few months after finishing, i still have a lot on my plate.

.

so just give me a break.

and stop saying anything to anyone in that manner in this place.

aku tak suke mencarut

dan aku pun tak suke dgar org mencarut.

kalau org mencarut tak sudah2, aku rase mcm nak bertempik dan blah.

carutan tu cukup utk buat aku lari.

even when i cuss, i don’t say it like it’s a cuss. i say it like it’s an exclamation to emphasize a point.

so aku tak nak dgar carutan yg begitu vicious dan continuous mcm dah takde perkataan lain yg nak diperdengarkan.

cursing is a very bad reflection of the self.

when you are a good person you wouldn’t want to give a bad reflection of yourself, do you?

so good people like you or anybody else would be better off avoiding cursing. 

.

but seriously

aku tak nak dengar la mencarut2 ni.

kalau nak mencarut, jgn bagi aku dgar.

pergilah somewhere else where no one can hear you.

kalau boleh tak pyh la mencarut langsung,

lagi senang.

tak pyh menyakitkan gegendang telinga aku smpai tersalah klik dan terpakse taip smula borang tu.

.

i did everything you told me to do, what more do you want?

.

today’s sidenote

Published November 19, 2010 by crystalights

 

and one more thing before i go,

i don’t think i’m a very good, unselfish, human being.

but believe me when i say that i am trying

to not be as much as i was (and still am)

right now

.

these days i am constantly reminded of how horrible i am.

.

it’s not very surprising to me,

but i surprisingly am feeling a little tired

of being difficult

.

just like how today was my fault

(because i thought it is the way that i planned). the way that i felt it should be (even when it wasn’t).

.

hati

keras. kering. hitam.

tercela.

.

triple birthdates’ birthday

Published November 19, 2010 by crystalights

 

 

i was never really a fan of huge parties.

i’m used to spending my birthday doing something totally unbirthday-related, like travelling on the road or simply being busy getting some things done.

but because this is my little brothers and my mom’s birthday all wrapped in one occassion, they have their circle of people which they tend to bring along.

and so inevitably,

people arrived.

.

we actually went birthday shopping.

the table was set.

and the cake was cut.

three birthdates of november in one day.

.

i practically ruined our shopping trip (because i didn’t realize that there is a shopping plan that i should be a part of)

it was my mistake

i am disgusted with myself.

even if i’m distracted, even if i don’t like big parties, i should have been more aware to other people’s wishes and needs.

thank god i didn’t ruin the whole birthday occasion.

but i kinda missed the candle-blowing and singing part.

.

i hate that i have to leave tomorrow

just to attend sunday’s prep and rehearsal.

i hate that i have to attend sunday’s prep and rehearsal

just to be there on saturday’s convocation.

i hate that i have to attend saturday’s convocation

just to show that i have graduated.

.

i hate show and tell, and big parties, and my face on someone’s facebook.

i like privacy, and small intimate gatherings with people who are closest to me, and no one’s face on anybody’s facebook.

(but it’s facebook. people put their faces there).

tapi aku baru dpt tahu kita org perempuan tak boleh display muka on the internet. explanation dier ada pada org yg lebih tahu (aku baru tahu, i’m not sure how to explain it), but it’s like when you put gambar muka di web you are directly/indirectly allowing people to do anything with it

termasukla renung lame2, or ber*something*2 dgn gambar kita, or melakukan ape2 pun yg mengundang gelora p’rasaan dan perbuatan yg agak censored. bila letak gambar whole muka+diri kita di web, kita tak dpt kawal siape yg lihat, bhgn ape yg dilihat dan berape lame yg dilihat. kalau 1 org ader access pada gambar kita, mungkin org lain yg ader berdekatan/bersama dgn org tu pun dpt lihat. then bile yg lihat itu punyai gejolak rasa yg ter extreme secara tak langsung kita jugak menjadi pihak yg bersalah kerana menjadi punca gejolak rasa itu.

aku tahu aku bukan org yg pandai nak menyampaikannya dlm keadaan yg terbaik supaye semua org faham dan aku pun admit that aku memang guilty of doing the same thing in the past in my other web page tapi sekarang bile dah tahu aku rase mcm aku perlu beritahu dan kongsikan di sini, supaye org lain pulak dpt tahu.

this is not something yg aku beritahu mengikut suka akal sendiri, this is something that is passed on to me from someone yg lebih arif (setelah membuat rujukan tentang hal2 yg sebegini), to someone i know, and then to me.

i think the rest is up to you.

aku dah tuliskan di sini, sekurang2nya aku sudah pun menyampaikannya.

.

lastly,

happy birthday to my little brothers and my mom ^__^

.

of motherhood and being a person.

Published November 18, 2010 by crystalights

 

today my old friend gave birth to her first baby.

i remember borrowing her liquid paper when we sat in class for the first week of my school transfer.

i remember playing matchmaker when we were 14 to a guy in our class.

i remember carrying her bridal gift trays on the day of her engagement.

i remember attending her wedding and arriving when she was on her 10th dress with flowers on her hands and a tiara on her head.

and now,

my long-time friend is finally a momma.

.

i have her baby ultrasound pic but i didn’t want to publish it here without her knowing (it’s her baby afterall).

but it’s a baby girl.

and i haven’t seen her in flesh and blood yet. (i only saw her ultrasound pic when my friend was 5 weeks along).

this might sound crazy (for someone like me),

but i would like to try motherhood. too.

one day (when the time is right).

insyaAllah.

but what am i doing, talking about motherhood when i’m not even married (yet) haha.

.

it’s just that i’m 23 now.

and i think i’ve lived for 23 long years being selfish and difficult.

i should try doing something (else) now

something other than being selfish.

isn’t motherhood a nice way of being un-selfish?

.

anyway.

i cooked something today

(although not everyone likes it)

(some people just don’t like very spicy food with strong aroma)

my dad bising2 sruh kluarkan udang dgn sotong SAHAJE.

my mom pulak memang tak suke mkn tom yam.

so tinggal la adik2 je yg mkn. with me.

my kakak pun tak nak sbb dier emo laptop dier kongg~ (bye bye loud singing and major hours of facebooking, haha). 

.

aku tak expect pun people to eat it. tapi agak berdesing telinga dgar org bising2 “ntah hape2 kau masak”

okayla.

at least mood masak dh dtg (jgnla halau pergi)

.

(kalau tak nak takpela tapi aku bukannye masak selalu. hati lambat sgt nak ikhlas).

.