of feelings and wheels of wonder

Published November 6, 2010 by crystalights

i like how it turns

again and again it goes around

took a seat in the pretty wheel

slowly glanced through the side door 

(and wondering what happens if it wasn’t there)

watch the world beneath you shrink away

slowly look up to the darkness above

letting the lights play along the ride

a faint shimmering glow

denying that particular feeling you get when you’re above ground

(they make my heart somersault like no other)

.

at that time i said i wanna go to a fun fair, any fair, then i’ll be happy. which was rather ridiculous considering it was very near to the hari raya festive season (why would people go to a fun fair a few days before D-day anyway?)

but i

like that kind of things. especially if they’re those small type of fun fairs, the ones without those extreme rides. the small ones are less rowdy and much more intimate. and you can see the small little lights glow in the dark of the night. it’s like a thousand candles put together underneath the black skies.

.

and so we went.

(it wasn’t a fun fair. it was more like a huge multi-featured park. by the sea).

and i remember it like it was yesterday (i would want to go again no matter how scared i get when the wheel turns high and higher)

.

i like it because it’s slow and steady and quiet. it’s frightening but it gives me time to ponder and think. or just breathe.

i don’t think there is any other way for me to get that kind of feeling.

.

i wished they didn’t know. or ask. or attempt to find out.

.

does it look like i’m abnormal? i know that i’m not that normal, but i don’t think i’m that abnormal. i think that there are some things i wanna keep as private that i don’t wish to share with the entire universe. and yet.

just a few prods here and there and then my parents spilled. big time.

.

i was dissapointed when i found out today. thank god the food was lovely and i didn’t have to stay for long – mum said i could go back first.

.

patutla dier pandang aku. mcm nk ckp something.

.

patutla org depan rmh pun mcm semacam. mcm lain macam.

.

i think it’s even worse to say that i was in the beginning of something than actually saying i have already received something.

.

i thought that i have decided once and for all that no one should know until i say okay. but now i found out that i don’t even know anymore who doesn’t know (and who knows).

.

 even if i choose not to do anything, isn’t that my own choice, my own business, only mine and mine alone?

.

i have nothing to show. prove. and tell.

 i don’t feel the need for such things.

even if i’m slowly fading into the background, i don’t think i care enough to actually stop it.

so

if i don’t really care then why should you?

.

i’m not interested in whatever you think of me.

.

what i wish to do now has everything to do with the ones i’m with and nothing to do with you.

.

if i am a ferris wheel

isn’t there only one wheel upon one stretch of land?

if a ferris wheel starts turning

you can’t make it stop unless it’s time for it to stop, can you?

.

 

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