All posts for the month December, 2010


Published December 28, 2010 by crystalights


sometimes i feel sorry for karev.

all the people he’s ever loved left.

and then he’s the one left to pick up the pieces, toughen up, and just survive.

and not show hurt or pain.

just discomfort and resentment.

but no, not the pain.

the pain must not be shown to the common eye.


no wonder he’s the jerk.

well that isn’t justified by anything, but still.

try being through shit and see if you can still be an angel.


 whatever that means.



tentang ini

Published December 28, 2010 by crystalights


aku penat.



mgkin ini sisa terkumpul spnjg 6 bulan yg lepas sebelum aku pergi.

this is so dumb

aku malas nak ckp.

but this is the real world.

no one wants to hear a sob story.

so yes, not only do i have a terrible life story, i feel terrible too.


i shouldn’t even have to care.



rasa hati. isi hati.

Published December 27, 2010 by crystalights


jadi aku pun tulis isi hati aku dlm satu email dan save dlm draft.

bile bukak draft cume tinggal nk click kotak “send” je.

and then akan keluarlah semua yg aku simpan sejak berbulan yg lepas.

bunyi mcm gempar tapi sbnrnye takde ape2 pun.

just. aku dh ckp aku nk bgtau so memandangkan tak dpt2 jgk jumpe, inilah pilihan yg aku ader utk beritahu dgn cara yg aku rse sebaik mungkin utk semue.

skrg aku tak rse ape2 pun.

sbb semua dh digali keluar utk coretan isi hati tu.


why do you think i write?

i have my voice, do you think i can’t talk?

sometimes it does feel like i’m writing to survive.

so that i don’t break. or fall apart.

everytime i solve my own mess i feel accomplished if i did it without confiding in anyone.

because it’s hard to not talk about things with people. in the past i do that a lot, and sometimes i don’t like that. i don’t even like myself for doing that.

i don’t like to feel like i am dependent upon them to get through my life crises or whatever.


so, yes.

sometimes it’s a problem bile aku pulak yg tak tahu mcmane nk react bile dibentangkan dgn krisis org lain.

kalau straightforward, direct questions aku boleh cube jawab, tapi persoalan yg abstract2 ni aku ader masalah nk respond.

sbb ader byk hal yg sbnrnye berbeza ikut individu.

aku tak boleh cakap kkak m jgn mkn mcm tu tiap2 hari nnti gemuk!! atau cakap bahawe aku takkan gemuk sbb aku mkn sikit je

sbb aku mkn sikit pun belum tntu kurus dan kkak m pulak m’mang boleh mkn berape kali ganda pemakanan aku tanpa perlu pkir atau hdapi masalah kegemukan langsung.

dier memang tak pernah gemuk. dulu2 mse kecik2 tu aderlah tembam2 sikit sblm msuk tadika, umur pn dlm 3-4 tahun kot. tu je. lepas tu terus kurus smpai skrg.

bukan mcm aku. cume dpt kurus kalau mkn sikit, kerje byk then tambah ngn work out. dlm pemakanan yg sikit tu kene tapis lg jenis mknn yg aku mkn.

jd aku sedar pertimbangan aku semate2 bukanlah penyelesaian utk situasi semua org.

sbb semua org tak same.

lagi satu pasal sense.

kdg2 org tak ckp aper dier rase, tapi kalau kiter ader sense sepatutnyer kiter boleh rase ape yg dier tak ckp tapi sbnrnye itulah isi hati dier.

mcmane nk ader sense?

bukan semua org ader sense terhadap semua org, kdg2 org tertentu je yg boleh ader sense terhadap org tertentu.

mcm dlm family ke.

ataupun yg lain2.

kalau org yg betul2 observant mungkin dier ader kecenderungan lebih utk ader sense terhdp lbih ramai org, wlwpun org tu bukan dlm lingkungan yg familiar bg dier.

mcm intuisi.

intuisi tu bukan ilusi. ilusi tu bukan premonition.

tlg someone bgtau org yg buat drama tu, check balik aper maksud ilusi.

jgn buat drama promo punye la lebat, tapi definisi tajuk tak kene dgn cerite.

penat je publishing company kluarkan dictionary, tapi berape ramai yg betul2 bace?


the thing is that bile org tanye aku soalan mcm “i feel like dot dot dot because he makes me feel like dot dot dot but i don’t wanna do anything about it but still i can’t just dot dot dot what should i do?”

dlm kpale aku pulak yg bertanye “what should i do?”

kdg2 aku nak tolong padamkan rase yg tak diingini utk org2 ini tapi nk buat camane,

life is not that straightforward.

mcm bile aku dpt sense org tu tgh sedih wlwpun dier tak ckp (pasal kesedihan dier). tapi dier ckp pasal bnda lain yg agak insightful pasal life dier. and then dlm hati aku pulak yg rse sedih sbb tak dpt tlg hilangkan kesedihan dier.

if only it’s enough to just feel.

yeah, if only.

but again,

life is not that straightforward.

and this is how i feel when people share things and there’s nothing that i can do to fix it.

so i don’t want people to fix my problems too (because most of the time they can’t. that’s why those are my problems. because i am the one who’s supposed to face it and fix it).

that is how i see it, for me, that is.

lebih baik aku jgn luahkan masalah aku pd org yg aku tau tak dpt selesaikan masalah aku. supaye aku tak membawa masalah ke dalam hidup org.

tapi kalau org luahkan masalah pd aku, aku tak kisah utk terima dan dgr, cume mungkin aku dpt tolong, mungkin tidak.

tapi kalau nk harapkan aku korek masalah org utk dibentangkan pd aku, then itu aku tak setuju.

kalau org nk cerita pd aku, cerita la.

kalau dier nak simpan jadi pekasam, simpan la. aper pulak hak aku nak pakse dier kluarkan cerita tu.

nak simpan, simpanlah.

tapi kalau aku dah tanye betul2 kau nak simpan jugak, biasenye lain kali aku tak tanye lagi.

mase tu kalau kau nk cerita jugak pun aku dh tak nak tahu dh.

because as much as i am a curious soul, knowing everything isn’t everything to me.


jadi cerite yg pnjg ni ibarat isi hati aku bile org luahkan isi hati pd aku.

kdg2 aku rase, ape2 yg berkait dgn hati ni selalu sgt berlarutan smpai memudharatkan.

seolah2 hati kiter terlalu sempit dan kecik utk kiter beri ruang dan peluang utk menjage hati org lain.


i write like

Published December 25, 2010 by crystalights


so it turns out that i mostly write like : Cory Doctorow  

I write like
Cory Doctorow

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!


and also : J.D. Salinger.

I write like
J. D. Salinger

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

i tried it with several of my writings and the analysis showed that i write like Cory Doctorow (3 out of 6 tests) and J.D Salinger (twice).

the other writer that i write like is : Gertrude Stein.

so i spent what’s left of my afternoon on a search for their life stories and backgrounds.

i wanted to know if there is something there in common that is related to the way we write.

we have a 39 year old canadian man, a reclusive american man who passed away earlier this year and an american woman who was friends with picasso when she was alive (picasso drew a portrait of her in 1906).


Cory Doctorow’s “down and out in the magic kingdom” science fiction won the Locus Award for best first novel in 2004. yes, that was only his first novel, and a beginning to his other array of works and writings. he allows the sharing and distribution of his work as long as they’re for non-profit and non-commercial purposes, a.k.a “creative commons : some rights reserved” license.


J.D. Salinger wrote “the catcher in the rye”. “the catcher in the rye” was a development of “slight rebellion of madison” which was written almost 10 years before the former was published. he was still writing while he was in the army for WWII, and was then in contact with Ernest Hemingway. so after the war, “the catcher in the rye” was completed. but he rejected all attempts of securing the rights for this particular piece into the silverscreen and so even spielberg was turned down. owh and “the catcher in the rye” was banned in several countries because of how the story was told and what it was about, as a whole.


Gertrude Stein assembled a modern private gallery and was the mentor of ernest hemingway. she studied psychology, then embryology and was in med school for a while, before she moved on and wrote the autobiography of alice B. toklas which became a bestseller. alice was more than a friend.


cory was born on the 17th of July, the same month as me but mine was on the 10th (of July).

cory likes sharing his work openly. he blogs, writes, co-edits, and is a digital-copyright activist.

J.D liked writing but didn’t really enjoy the crowd and the whole extravaganza surrounding his published works.

there were some of his writings which he does not even wish to publish and that his love for writing was enough for him to stand by this.

gertrude was an influential advocator of the arts. her writings was known to be more in the sense of sound than the suitability of words.

her writings reflect her personality: bright, quirky, strong.



they’re all so very different.

how on earth was i ever writing like any of them?


owh and creds to wiki in the highlighted links.

it was a very enlightening afternoon.


is it anything more than what it is

Published December 24, 2010 by crystalights


i don’t wanna be the one who tells people to leave the ones they love.

so i don’t really like answering love/relationship/dating questions/issues/curiousities.

i especially don’t like talking about it like it’s a worthwhile conversation among the people i know.

even if i ask, it would only be because i wanted to know how my friend was doing, or why things turn out the way they did for my friend(s).

that’s all.

i don’t fix love. or relationships. or whatever.

that’s not my job.


so when i get those texts i really don’t feel like saying anything.

but i can’t just not say anything because after several years of no such texting, it looks like a cry for help to me.


but it turns out that it wasn’t.



felt like it’s a waste of my time.


my classes are over but

i have things i have to do and think about each day.

especially when my parents aren’t around like today.

i have meals to prepare, 2kids and 1 adult to babysit, and a kitchen to clean.

i spent the afternoon cooking

preparing their (very late) lunch


dark soya sauce chicken

& potatoes


then cleaning.

and then figuring out how to get my youngest brother to take a bath and change.

i even gave them some of our old photos frm my pc and edited a few to distract them from going out to play earlier than necessary (because mum and dad’s not around).

i wait in their room until they’re done bathing or washing or whatever because they need people around here to feel safe from what they imagined as ghosts in this house.

so, no.

i don’t like spending my time on such pointless conversations.

at least not for now.


what is it like to only live for yourself?

because i thought i was a perfect example of that, until i realized that a huge chunk of my time was always given away and somehow slowly i felt like i don’t really mind. even when i knew that i had always been selfish.

because sometimes it’s not that bad to do something other than for your own self.


so when i received the relatively similar text after all these years i knew that my answers would probably be the same :

“if it doesn’t work for you, then don’t work for it”.

i don’t know if there is any possible way of fixing love.

heck, how would i know, i’ve never been in one before.

so why me?

why ask me?

i can’t possibly know the right answer to that, right?


i mean, think about it.

why is it always after a couple of years has passed (somewhere in the 3rd year), things get less pretty and more intolerable?

why ask me when deep inside i think you know the answer yourself.


i can’t be there for everyone.

i have to prioritize.

and i do that by putting my youngest brother first; my youngest baby-ish brother who needs people to wait on him while he uses the bathroom, cook for him when he’s asking for food and answer his questions when he gets all quizzly and curious, before an old acquaintance who needs people to talk about love when it’s already clear.


don’t we all have something we have to work for?

like money. education. or family. or our fates in the afterlife.

we want to feel fulfilled by fulfilling these duties and responsibilities.

so why not try it and see if you can feel somewhat more fulfilled and less empty and perhaps more comfortable in your own skin.

it would be nothing short of amazing if you could love yourself not less than you love someone, or anyone out there.


all in a day

Published December 22, 2010 by crystalights


since no one’s really home these couple of days,

i find myself randomly domesticated.

it’s painfully quiet. i guess i needed the distraction.

so i woke up, showered. taught my morning class.

did the laundry.

scrubbed the bathroom.

and cooked. (even when i’m not really hungry).

but what else should i have done i just didn’t know how to get rid of this sinking feeling (that i’m gonna have to get used to this state of being away from people).

i can’t even fall asleep when i really want to. or take a nap.

so i made myself busy.

read up on pasta.

cooked the pasta.

ate the pasta.

cooking is allright. when no one’s interfering in what you do.

it’s a good distraction.


so after a day of self-enriching activities (and locking & unlocking the doors wondering if i’m safe on my own)


i wanna try sleeping.

like right now.


garang tak garang

Published December 21, 2010 by crystalights


aku tak marah student aku bukan sbb aku nk look like the cool teacher yg manjekn student.

bukan sbb aku takut student aku bercerite, atau takut tak disukai ke aper.

aku tak marah2 sbb aku tak nk dorg stop coming out of their shells.

bukan sume org tegar mcm adik aku. kene marah pun lepak je. tak terjejas pun.

dgn org lain aku tak pasti.

aku tak nk kemarahan aku buatkn student aku shut down and retreat.

aku tak nk marah org yg tak faham.

for me they are too young to understand and take it like a man/woman.

if you get hurt and you understand it, then that’s fine. in fact, that is better than fine.

but if you get hurt without understanding, then that’s bad news. to me.

memangla dunia ni tak adil dan penuh dgn ranjau rintangan dan sume org ade hak utk bangun dari mimpi2 indah dan bersemuke dgn realiti.

tapi bila2 dier decide nak bangun, bukan pd tgn aku.

bukan aku yg tentukan sume tu.


so yes.

aku tak marah2 dan kdg2 agak laid back dgn student aku. pathetic, i guess.

but i believe in my reasons so unless they are twenty somethings i don’t think i get to be the cikgu garang that i’ve pictured myself as before.

and that’s all there is to it.