so this is me

Published December 3, 2010 by crystalights

 

alhamdulillah.

honestly, aku tak rase pun i deserve what i got because i’m not a good person.

aku bukan org yg baik pun.

dh la cepat marah. kuat merungut.

tak suke kalah. tak suke salah.

pas tu degil. byk ckp tapi kedekut cerita.

suke lari dari komplikasi.

tak suke ambik kira perasaan org.

pas tu bengang2 bile org lain ambik kisah perasaan org.

.

i live selfishly, with this idea that matters of the heart would probably just tie people down from what they could become.

i live without understanding what could possibly make one complete, because we are complete when we’re born, right?

and i live with goals and dreams of achieving what i felt like everyone could do if they put their heart to it.

it felt surprisingly empty when i sat back after looking at my scroll.

i was

unsatisfied.

how does one certificate fulfill my dreams?

.

tapi

yg ini aku rase sgt bersyukur.

i am not worthy of it

but i feel very grateful.

.

aku tak tau mcmane nk bgtau

tapi nnti aku kene ckp jgk kot.

to my friends of the past 4 years.

to my friend of 7 years ago.

and also to my friends of 10 years.

sbnrnye, aku rase ader 5 org je kot yg aku nk bgtau.

yg lain2 tu. ntah la.

lg ramai org tau lg bsar tekanan aku.

aku ni, bukannye berani sgt.

ni buat2 mcm berani je ni.

agaknye bile smpai msenye nanti aku akan betul2 freak out kot.

.

so ayah nak pressure cooker utk masak tulang 5 kilo.

hakim nak PSP.

hazim buat bodo je.

nana nak pergi sendiri & beli sendiri.

mak sekaki dgn ayah.

kakak marini no comment.

.

aku?

aku nak cari e-book reader kot.

dgn a good supply of buku2 partial/half price.

kalau harge best boleh la nk splurge sikit.

.

tapi, tapi aku

tak nk pikir ape yg aku nak

sbb nnti aku kene pikir ape yg aku tak nak jugak.

lepas tu aku takut.

pas tu aku rase mcm nk lari.

okay. way to go girl,

freak out kan diri sendiri

agknye aku memang mentally unstable bordering on psychotic kot.

.

actually

i don’t know

if i can do this.

.

okay.

come on now

toughen up lil’ soldier!

i can’t keep on feeling like this, can i?

i have to feel like i’m happy for me.

i can’t keep on feeling like i’ve indeliberately booked my own life trap.

.

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