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All posts for the month January, 2011

to not say it

Published January 30, 2011 by crystalights

 

sometimes i listen to things frm people,

but it doesn’t necessarily mean i like them.

i just listen.

.

sometimes i talk for hours on end with people,

but it doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re friends.

i just talk.

.

sometimes i feel something. heavy. twisted. gut-wrenching.

my heart feels it first and then my mind breaks it into tangible words so that my brain can process them.

so that i am aware of what i am facing.

so that i know what i am eye to eye with.

.

so sometimes i write emails

i write online instant messages

so that the other person understands that there is no pressure in replying

it’s just an internet thing,

we don’t have to talk on the phone or converse through daily text messages

we don’t have to meet up and hang out

we don’t have to feel obligated to do anything.

it’s just knowing that we are existing in the same land,

and that we could choose to get together, or choose to walk separate paths

we could choose our point of intersection, or choose our point of no return

.

we could choose and be anything we want to be

and no one has to fulfil any obligations to one another

.

and next month is D-day

and i am about 1 day away from the end of this month

which leaves me with a very short amount of time left in my hands.

.

i don’t want to tell people, but at the same time i wanted to tell some people

but i don’t know if i really want to. or should do.

for someone like me,

reaching out is a big investment to make

and i don’t like to lose.

so i end up telling a very small number of people, and it got to a point where some of them even received very cryptic, vague messages like: “i’m leaving”, with a “thank you” or a “take care” at the bottom.

and that’s pretty much it.

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i’m like this with goodbyes

it’s like a whole process that i have to get over but not skip.

it’s like how the wind blows so that we feel that it’s there, or how a fish smells so that you know it’s a fish.

like how a flower blooms so that you know it needs the sun

and how the sun shines so that people can get past a long night.

.

i’m thinking of not saying anything

but the thing is that i’m not sure when i’ll be back

if i’ll ever be back soon enough to not completely lose the things that i’m leaving behind

so i guess,

this is the closest i’ll ever get to saying it

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broken house of cards

Published January 28, 2011 by crystalights

i’m singing this one like a broken piece of glass

from broken arms and broken noses in the back

is this the new year

or just another desperation

you’re pushing ’til you’re shoving

you bend until you break

’til you stand on the broken fields where our fathers lay

it’ll be a day like this one when the world caves in

when the world caves in

when the world caves in

i think i’ve said everything that i needed to say, in one way or another,

so much that even an imbecile would have understood what i have said all this time.

so i have nothing left in me that i want to pour out to you anymore.

.

i won’t be here forever

and you know that

but what the heck

you were looking for another short version of forever on a foreign land

.

so i’ll just step back into my place

where there isn’t anybody else to hurt me

because there isn’t anybody else

there.

(but me).

.

Pencipta dan ciptaan-Nya.

Published January 28, 2011 by crystalights

mak ckp kasih syg Allah tu 3 kali ganda kasih syg seorg ibu.

di mana bila hamba-Nya buat silap dan salah pun Dia masih memberi dan melimpahkan kurnia-Nya.

masih beri rezeki.

masih beri peluang utk kembali ke jalan yg satu.

are we the kind of people who “take, take, take but you never give”?

sbg hamba-Nya,

tuhan ciptakan kita untuk beribadat kepada-Nya.

beribadat tu ader byk cara, tak kisahla samaada kita bekerja, atau belajar, atau lakukan apa2 pun sehari2 dgn niat tertentu yg ada dlm hati.

org yg buat sesuatu kerana Allah, akan buat sesuatu tu dgn bersungguh2 dan insyaAllah akan terpelihara oleh-Nya sepanjang waktu itu.

bila kita buat sesuatu kerana Allah, sesuatu itu ibarat ibadah kita, dan kerana kita bertanggungjawab atas ibadah kita maka kita pun tak boleh lakukannya tanpa kesungguhan.

.

tuhan takkan menguji kita dengan sesuatu yg diluar kemampuan kita.

kalau sesuatu tu berlaku pd kita, mungkin itu lah sesuatu yg diturunkan sbg dugaan utk kita.

dan ujian tu ader byk bentuk dan jenisnye. kdg2 kita diuji dgn kesusahan, kdg2 kita diuji dgn kesenangan.

Nabi Ibrahim dikurniakan anak yg dier sgt syg, setelah sekian lama menginginkan anak.

kemudian dier diuji oleh Allah dgn perintah menyembelih anaknya sendiri (utk dilihat sejauh mana sygnya pd Allah terjejas atau tidak dgn kelahiran anak kesayangannye, Nabi Ismail).

it wasn’t easy for him, because dier syg pd anaknya tp tetap syg pd Allah. dan Allah tetap yg paling atas dlm hatinya jadi dier pun bersedia utk menyembelih anak yg disayangi tu dan anak itu pun rela disembelih kerana juga menyayangi Allah.

dan akhirnye, kerana Allah yg paling maha pengasih lagi maha penyayang, Allah tukarkan Nabi Ismail dgn seekor kibas jadi selamatlah Nabi Ismail dari menjadi sembelihan bapanya.

itulah antara bukti kasih syg Allah.

bukti2 kasih syg-Nya ada byk disekeliling kita, dlm hari2 semalam dan juga hari2 esok yg akan mendtg.

.

jadi kasih syg yg abadi tu tetap dari Allah, dan takkan sama dgn kasih syg dari manusia.

.

so everytime a manusia hurts me, i get angry. but i just think that he is just a manusia and manusia are like that. it’s not an excuse but it’s what he is.

dan hanya tuhan yg paling sempurna dan paling maha pengasih lagi maha penyayang.

dan mungkin tempat kita sandarkan harapan adalah pada tuhan. bukan pada manusia.

sbb manusia shj tak mencukupi.

sbb tu kita perlukan tuhan.

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the story of loyalty. duty. and priority.

Published January 27, 2011 by crystalights

 

once upon a time there was a guy.

i say he’s a guy because i think it takes more than that for a person to be a man.

but he’s definitely not a boy, so yeah, he’s a guy.

.

he grew up as a street-smart guy. the kind who kinda knows everything there is to know about things.

and so life was good. he had a job, some opportunities to develop and grow, end up in great places, and got married to the one he wanted to marry. (although she didn’t).

.

(she didn’t get married to the one she wanted to marry. because he wasn’t the one she wanted. to marry).

but he married her anyway and so yeah, at least he got what he wanted in the end.

.

and then they had children.

lots of them.

and the children grew up.

and so now he has an up-sized family.

he has a wife and children who prays for him. watch his back. clean up his mess. fix his problems. listen to his shit.

while his children are growing older, they can’t fit into small cars anymore, and the food and utility bills are a little straining, but hey, it seems they managed themselves pretty well. 

they don’t demand for things, they don’t always ask for money when it’s unnecessary, they don’t even wonder aloud “why can’t i have what my friends have?”

they studied hard, performed at least above the average line, and they don’t really go out and stray. they listened well and they knew that they couldn’t just walk out and be a kid and chill and hang out and spend money and grow through adolescents like any other unhampered young child.

because they know the kind of situation they are in and honestly the family can’t afford that.

because they know how difficult it would be for the family (for their parents) if they just lived selfishly and recklessly.

because these children know what loyalty is.

they know where their priorities lie.

and it’s in the family.

.

that guy, who’s the father of these children soon became older and wearier.

he could have just been an older and wearier but happier man, but he wasn’t.

apparently to him, having a good family who looks after you and looks out for you isn’t enough.

he didn’t feel happy having a financial strain. he didn’t act like he was happy. didn’t even pretend that he was happy. that he has them. 

his actions show that the valuable people that makes up a family and a home, his home, his team, his pack, was not worth the financial strain. at all.

he wants to be able to spend less on them and have more comfort for himself.

he wants to be able to have more than enough money but not having to actually work more than what he’s done for it. which is basically, not that much.

he who used to do more a few years back, became someone who wanted to do less and less but still wanting so much more in return.

but since that seemed nearly impossible, he began to shift the blame and burden to his children.

that they should have used less and spent less so that he doesn’t have to pay more.

it’s like tying your feet and binding them tight so that they won’t grow out of their initial size for you to have small feet forever.

of course some people can live with that.

but some people don’t.

can’t.

won’t.

and when things are at the apex of a collision,

no one knows who or what can save this family from the point of breaking down

.

so finally, the blame game became the obligation game.

the children has to become the pawns and do well so that the father can live well and have his own sweet comfort that he has been yearning for since years ago.

he wants to sit back and relax already, even when some of his children haven’t even finished school.

but like it has always been, he always somehow gets what he wanted in the end.

like i said, the children knew where their loyalties and priorities lie.

but their father didn’t.

he has yet to grasp the sense of loyalty, duty and responsibility for him to leave his search for comfort and put his children’s needs above his own.

.

so my question is:

are you the child or the father in this story?

or are you going to be the father in this story in your own distant future and let your children suffer the consequences of your self-centredness?

are you willing to give away the search for your own self comfort in exchange to the happiness and fulfillment in seeing how well you’ve raised your children?

what kind of parent do you want to be? what kind of parent will you be?

and what kind of child are you now?

.

marriage and family requires more than just love and adoration.

and when one of his children saw how cold the room is and how the father is sleeping on the main bed using the thickest blanket surrounded with the most pillows in the entire room filled with a few other children crawling and shivering and pulling and sharing with barely enough pillows on the floor with not even a mattress, somehow that child knew, that the family wasn’t as important as he was to himself.

that the father was just prioritizing what he feels is more important first, above all else, which is : himself.

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king of the board.

Published January 27, 2011 by crystalights

 

you know the view you get when you’re staring at the ceiling?

yeah.

that’s kinda like my refuge sometimes.

.

aku takut semuenye ranap je.

disebabkan nakhoda mengemudi bahtera tak berarah tujuan kelompok

titah perintah hanya untuk keinginan peribadi

i can imagine the shattering, smattering, to smithereens.

.

in this huge ship

your words are one of those that i couldn’t trust the most

stiap kali kau ckp kau yakin je sume akan tertunai

tapi kau tak boleh pun tunaikan.

kau boleh la ckp mcm2 pun

tapi aku tak percaye

i don’t believe that you actually give a damn about anyone other than yourself.

i don’t believe that you said everything without the intention to hurt.

because i think that IS your intention. to hurt people (like me and them) because you don’t care.

.

because every single time, your word is the law.

you’re like the king on a chess piece

that needs to be kept alive for the entire game to continue

but the rest of the pieces die for you.

.

they always have to die for someone like you.

 

tangan tangankan

Published January 23, 2011 by crystalights

 

itu kan cume grease spray utk basikal.

berbaloi ke nk jerit kt muke org smpai kene tampar free?

pas tu nak sruh aku support sbb aku saksi.

seriously.

aku jst ckp je la what i think is right.

nak sruh aku sokong2 sape2 tu aku rase tak perlu pun.

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it doesn’t even mean anything

mudah saja

Published January 23, 2011 by crystalights

 

if people like you really know me,

then you would know that when i don’t say anything in return,

it means i disagree.

.

untuk diri aku

biasenyer

bile aku diam tandanya aku tak setuju.

it’s as simple as that.

sbb bile aku setuju aku rase aku lbih rela ckp dan beritahu: yes, i agree with you.

tapi bile aku tak setuju dan ntah mcmane keadaan ketika tu tak membolehkan aku bersuare utk aku luahkannya,

jln yg tinggal adalah dgn hanya berdiam diri.

.

i don’t think you understand my silence

because when i stop saying anything,

you don’t. really. stop.

you go on and on as if it’s okay to subject people to your wants and wishes.

you always put me somewhere where i don’t want to be

everything that i wanted to do for myself suddenly became something about you and for yourself.

.

aku bengang sgt

why do you make plans which involve my life and my future without involving me in the plan-making?

you didn’t say anything to me about it until you have made your decision

even though it’s my life that you’re utilizing for that plan of yours

dalam dunia ni

aku paling tak berkenan bile org nak ambik jln mudah utk hidup dier dgn mempergunakan jln hidup aku

aku paling tak berkenaan bila org anggap semua hal & perkara sgt mudah dan boleh dicapai dgn cara yg mudah : “alah nanti aku join kau”,”alah kau kan ada”,”alah mesti boleh la, takde hal punye la”.

boleh ke kiter dpt sesuatu kesenangan dgn hanye bersenang-senang?

boleh ke dpt everything by doing nothing?

semua kesenangan itu ade harga yg perlu dibayar.

memang lah perit. life is not a fairytale.

senang ke hati kiter bile kiter dpt sesuatu dgn mempergunakan dan memerah keringat org lain lepas tu bile dah kau serap kudrat org smpai lunyai kau pun bangun angkat kaki dan blah tinggalkan org tu mcm hampas.

mcm satu proses kemanusiaan yg gagal

nilai hidup yg samar

buatkan manusia jadi opportunis, egois, dan penuh dgn sikap keakuan bukan kekitaan

siape yg peduli tentang moral dan harga diri

nilai hidup kita meletakkan kita pd sisi yg berbeza

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you want me to go

and then later if things work out you want to jump aboard and stick with me

but you don’t want to think about whether or not it would be easy for me to actually get there

whether or not i can actually make things work out over there

you don’t care about that, do you?

in your head, everything is easy, easy, easy

you’ll stay when it’s easy

so that it’ll be easy for you

you don’t have to work hard because it’ll be so easy

don’t have to think hard because life would be so easy when you’re just jumping ships instead of building cities

and everytime things get difficult it would still be easy for you

because there’ll be people like me and them to fix things

to give things

to make things easy

.

aku tak tau pun nasib aku mcmane nanti

tapi belum ape2 lg kau dh terang2an ckp tentang hajat hidup kau yg nk bersandarkan nasib hidup aku

ibarat benih belum tanam

tapi dh berangan2 nk petik buah

.

aku tak nk berkurang ajar

tapi kdg2 aku rase org mcm kau ni melampau

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