it’s a minefield. with a man-child.

Published February 9, 2011 by crystalights

firstly,

aku dh la tak kenal dier. kau yg kenal dier.

tapi dh lame sgt, entah dier ingat lg ke tak siape kau.

.

secondly,

kalau dier kt sini maybe boleh la kau pikir nk contact dier mintak tolong.

tapi kt sane, mcmane?

bukannye kau yg pergi, aku ni yg kene pergi sane.

nnti kalau dh smpai sane, mcmane aku nk contact dier? area code pun aku tak brape faham. inikan pulak address kt tempat mcm tu.

mcmane aku nk contact org yg tak kenal aku dan berkemungkinan tak ingat pun siape kau kat sane dan mcmane pulak dier nk tolong aku?

mgkin stakat bgtau aku where to go je la.

yela, takkan la dier nk bg aku tinggal mane2 free, aku rase tak logic la wlwpun utk tinggal smentare. ntah2 tempat tinggal berkos rendah pun susah nk dpt. kalau byr temporary accomodation bukannye murah. pas tu bile dpt permanent accomodation pun kene byr lg.

memang aku takde hak ape2 pun, kalau dier tak nk tolong pun aku tak salahkan dier.

kalau dier nk tolong pun dh kire budi dan ehsan, bukan tanggungjawab dan tuntutan.

ntah2 aku end up somewhere far and expensive.

tak ke lg menyusahkan aku?

.

so

boleh tak kau man up?

be a man.

think like a man.

boleh tak kau fikir cara yg bukan mengharapkan bantuan org menggunakan cable or connection yg melemaskan aku?

in this head of mine dalam dunia ni takde sesiape pun yg bertanggungjawab atas diri kita, takde sesiape pun yg wajib tolong kita, takde sesiape pun yg mesti dan pasti bagi kita aper yg kita inginkn.

kita yg bertanggungjawab atas diri kita sendiri, kita yg kene dptkn aper yg kita inginkn. sendiri.

.

aku yg contact university.

aku yg contact agent aku.

aku pergi pre-departure briefing pun sendiri.

bezanye aku ngn kau is that kau pernah pergi sane, aku tak pernah.

jadi bile kau ckp mcm2, aku aderla jgk rase sikit2 mcm maybe i could use your help to get somewhere,

tapi

tapi

aku rase kdg2 aku terlupe.

bahawe sbnrnye keadaan kiter memang tak sama.

kau pergi dgn satu kumpulan besar, bile kau sampai pun semua dh disediakan.

semua ader.

kalau ader aper2 yg kurang pun, kau ader sekumpulan besar org yg same2 dgn kau, yg boleh berfikir dan mencari jln penyelesaian sebaik mungkin.

bukan mcm aku.

aku pergi sendiri.

aku tak boleh depend on anyone.

(and i guess not even you).

.

memang kdg2 aku harsh.

but i think i wouldn’t be this harsh if you did your job. your duty. and be what you should have been since a long time ago.

aku tau aku selfish

but seriously, boleh tak kali ni kau focus pd matlamat yg sebenar.

this is not about you, this is about me.

i need this. not you. you don’t need this. you just want this to add to your list of things to parade with.

you want to have something that you can display and discuss about and quite possibly bask in so that people can look up to you.

i guess that’s it.

you want people to look up to you, to need you.

but when they actually do need you, you just couldn’t deliver your role.

i feel like it’s almost as if

you are not a man.

as if

you are just a man-child.

.

everywhere i go, i see too much man-children on the surface of the earth.

isn’t it a pity if this is what we have left of the male population?

.

i have to be independent because i can’t depend on anyone.

it’s like that most of the time, so i don’t like it when people waste my time trying to get me to depend on them and then after a while they realize that they couldn’t be the person that people depend on and then they bail-

isn’t that the same old story?

so i think it’s better if you step out and say: don’t depend on me. don’t hope for me. don’t expect things from me. and i’ll try to not depend/hope/expect things from you.

.

if you can’t solve my shit then don’t give me silly insignificant solutions.

i don’t need false hopes and heavy illusions.

.

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