All posts for the month March, 2011

dear nana (30.3.2011)

Published March 31, 2011 by crystalights

dear nana,

i know it’s past midnight but what the heck.

i feel something. i don’t know what.


aku bengang sbb last minute a few things came up.

i thought i had everything under control tapi suddenly ader lg few things yg suddenly appear

so aku pun biase la, bengang. tension. stress.

for me kalau psl hal2 studies if things didn’t go the way that i planned them i get very stressed because i planned them so as to avoid that kind of stress.

then at the same time something shocking happened.

pas tu aku cam trauma.

tapi aku tak nak breakdown dulu sbb mase tu aku ader groupwork assignment i have to attend and at the same time the next day aku ader presentation.

so aku pun pulled myself together.

pergi groupwork discussion tu.

pas tu aku balik.

nangis2 skjp kt rmh.

then menghadap material utk presentation esoknyer.

pas tu d next morning mater aku bengkak sebelah.

pas tu aku nk mkn pulak then gigi geraham aku sakit sebelah.


aku just pikir: no matter what i feel i have to attend that groupwork and complete that presentation.



i had my first presentation today. it was exertive but exhilirating.

i kinda giggled during the Q & A because i felt weird. what am i, fourteen? i’m supposed to be 24 this year, how can i just giggle?

i don’t know if i did well.

but afterwards i was in the bathroom tgh nak wudhu’ pas tu ader 1 chinese girl came up to me and introduced herself. she said “you did a great job”.

aku cam blur2 jst sengih angguk and thank you. dalam kepale ader cam t’pikir: “eleh. biar betol.”


pas tu skrg aku rse cam numb sikit.

i don’t know if i am truly very sane. or if i’m not that crazy.

i feel strange.


tapi aku just sgt bersyukur.


mungkin aku tak ckup isi utk hadapi dugaan, tapi aku just bersyukur.

at least i can breathe. and feel. and think.



aku nak tido.




city thing

Published March 31, 2011 by crystalights

kalau tak silap baru 1 or 2 kali je aku pergi city

time ni dh ptg, i was actually on my way back from the other campus (mase tu i was kinda lost on d way to that campus pas tu mcm kene sound skit ngan tram driver tu). bile smpai sini i was figuring out how to go back to my place (from the city).

 this is by the path to the mall; kat tgh2 city yg ader mall pun they still preserve the waterways. ader kapal2 kecik (ke bot?) lalu kat sini.


i’m kinda busy with classes and assignments/project,

pas tu postgrad studies agak challenging compared to my previous undergrad years

ceh. ala undergrad years kat msia pun challenging jugak.

just the feeling is different.

camane nk describe eh?


i always tell myself to not think that i am here

sometimes i make belief that i’m just somewhere temporary and that i’ll be home soon,

denial much?


my professor told me to write something about kL and put it in the assignment (he said he’s been there before and it “was” nice. now it’s so polluted and congested and dot dot dot..)

so i told him “that is pretty much the case in all developing countries”

and he was like “..well, yes.”

but he seems like he wanted to know what happened.

i don’t know la,

aku bukannye org kL pun, just prnah tinggal sekitar kL mase undergrad studies tapi aku rase

it’s a city thing.

it’s just that some cities can clean up their mess better than the rest, and some cities make lesser mess than the rest.


in our country

maybe they just like to build things more than to sustain them.

build, build, build,

tallest, highest, largest, longest

and then what next?

what about shortest, smallest, tiniest, littlest?

what’s wrong with that.

all the resource and land that goes into something that is occupied by how many percent of the population, anyway?

firstly, does the amount of capital fit the outcome?

secondly, does the outcome justify the capital?

thirdly, is public access and equity achieved?

and maybe perhaps finally, can they sustain the population increase of that one city? or,

can one multi-developing city justify all the underdeveloped ones?



i feel so tired. exhausted maybe belom lg, tapi tired tu ader la.

kdg2 bile berckp dgn org kat sini tak perasan perkataan melayu tu terkluar (tak sengaja), pas tu aku try ganti2 perkataan

something like:

“for this, kan?” tukar jadi → “for this, right?”


kat sini kalau kiter ckp “thank you” usually dier tak ckp “you’re welcomed” (dgn gaye2 sopan ala2 u.k).

biasenyer dier akn ckp “no worries” ataupun “that’s allright” ataupun “good day” ataupun “cheers” (dgn gaye2 ceria ala2 aussie).

pelik kan.

budaye dier sgt.. happy?

hidup dorg kurang stress.

pas tu rakyat dier dpt byk benefit, funding, and subsidies.

they get money to go study and their study fees and transportations for students are cheaper.

(sayangnye, it is not the case for international students like me)


actually a lot of things happened within the past few days

things that i don’t quite know how to describe

i don’t know when i’ll put it into writing

and i don’t even know if there’s something wrong with me

but maybe i will write it down later

when i feel it’s okay.


okay la

nak tido

(wonder what tomorrow will bring)



Published March 29, 2011 by crystalights

i think that emotions are scary things

sometimes they keep you from where and what you’re supposed to be.

bila hati rasa berat atau resah, gelisah, semua terasa mcm susah.

but i realized that if you force yourself into that particular where and what that you’re supposed to be,

somehow you just be.

it’s puzzling but

it’s like fighting the urge to sleep without taking any substance(s)

somehow after a while you’re just not that sleepy.

so i think, diving head first kinda works

just drowning into all that you have to do

and somehow you just realized that you’re halfway through.


maybe that is as close as some people can get to being hardcore

it’s not that you don’t feel

it’s just that you don’t care what you feel

try it.

it’s very contradicting but it’s how i think i should live.

what about you?


people around me are doing things that i never thought would result in such results

it’s the opposite of how i’ve always looked at life and its repercussions

aku tertanya2: oh. mcm bahagia je.

should i be worried that i’m not like that?

i’m going to be 24 this year.

should i be thinking about such things now?

because if you ask me now i would probably give you the same answer that i thought of 10 years ago when i was 14: “i’m not ready”, or was it: “maybe i’m not the right one for this?”


how am i supposed to believe in such things

look at my mum

i’ve always thought that she would have been happier

(but she sounds like she’s happy with whatever she has now)

but she’s my mom;

it doesn’t take a lot for her to be happy.

(i just wished that she is. am. will. be. happier. happiest).


even if i feel like i can believe in whatever feelings there may be between humans,

i just.. i don’t think i can.

it’s too much to take in.

too much space to give out. give away.

but i do believe that maybe it can work out quite well for some people,

maybe some people are just meant to be happy.

maybe they deserve it more.

maybe the rest of us are just meant to live like a travelling disciple,

always searching for things to be searched;

until there is no more.


hari-hari berlalu

Published March 29, 2011 by crystalights

pernah tak hati rase terpanggil utk buat sesuatu, tanpa rasa pasti apa sebab dan puncanya.

waktu tu aku susah hati and then bukak Quran terjumpalah sesuatu

“(yaitu) orang-orang yang beriman dan hati mereka menjadi tenteram dengan mengingat Allah. Ingatlah, hanya dengan mengingat Allah hati menjadi tenteram.”

Ayat 28, Surah Ar-Ra’d.

kdg2 kita terlupa Dia selalu ada.

tapi Dia tak pernah lupa.


Published March 26, 2011 by crystalights

senangnye people like you label me as being negative.

it’s not like you’ll ever be in my shoes but thanks anyway for the judgement.


i know that i am open to so many hurtful things

but the possibility of them happening so close together is so near

i am not calling for help at all

i’m just trying to protect myself.


even when i know there will always be people who are ready to inflict pain

i don’t know if i am ready for that kind of pain

but i am here anyway

and i’m not asking for help

i’m just struggling through it in my own way

sometimes when things get difficult my only consolation is that god is still there

and god knows more than i do what this is supposed to mean for me in the course of a lifetime.


i don’t know how to not be afraid

maybe i’m not you

maybe i’m just someone you would never want to be

but i have reasons for my every thought

my every drop of tears

and i don’t  want to let you dive in further no matter how transparent i am.

you don’t know what it’s like

you’re not your only kind in your crossing of paths

you don’t have people leaving you before they tell you to leave

you don’t have people subtly telling you how unsuitable you are to a lot of things

you weren’t even subjected to the kinds of things that i was subjected to from the very beginning


you’re not me

you don’t feel my pain

you don’t understand my heart


i just have to brace myself for whatever fate will bring to me

i hope that even when things get tough i would still have hope and no hatred towards anyone or anybody including you


i wanted to know that i can take the pain without inflicting pain to people like you.


i’m okay.

i’m just ripped along the edges. scratched on the surface.

but i’m not broken.

maybe you can’t break me because i don’t even know if i’m whole


dear nana (26.3.2011)

Published March 26, 2011 by crystalights

dear nana,

today i went to a kenduri kahwin. di perantauan.

(serious sedap. nasi minyak tak sgt berminyak.)

ramai giler org dtg.

dorg buat kt musolla.

aftr mkn2 tghari td ktorg pun gerak nak balik


pas tu my friend want to singgah2 ambik gambar kat area tu

i didn’t take a photo of the bride, though.

the reception was indoor (tak jadi buat kat luar tu sbb takut hujan).

(transportation yg biase: the tram. which looks like a train but moves on land the road)

i met a few people.

and then talked about some things.

sekarang aku dlm dilemma sbnrnye.

aderla hal sikit.

aku nak citer kt sini pun tak brani.

lain kali kot (just to be safe).


sometimes things happen.

i just felt that sometimes i have to have a good support system

tapi every train has its tracks, right?

they have their routes and schedules to follow

i don’t want to be the reason a journey is changed

but i don’t know if i can change my journey either

aku belum lagi termasuk dikalangan org2 yg kuat dan rela berkorban

sometimes i get lost along the way, but i have to try to find my way back

although i have a lot of fears,

i’m not always courageous,

i am scared sometimes,

but i’m not entirely vulnerable.

i don’t want people to think that i have to be taken care of,

i don’t want people to feel sorry for me or look at me like a child. 

i don’t want anyone to think that the reason that i’m barely moving around is because i can’t.

it’s not that i can’t, it’s just that i chose to be. this way.

i think i’m okay like this.


mcm bile i talk about one subject yg aku rase agak tough then he said “then why’d you take it?”

so does it mean that i should only take what is easy or only take what i like?

sometimes there are things you have to do so that your existence means something.

it’s not just about you. or what you want. or what you like.


mcm bile someone tells me something which i don’t know how to respond with

what can i say?

if they want, i can try and tell them how to live their lives.

but will that fix anything?

to a certain point perhaps. but beyond that, i could’ve turned things upside down and i wouldn’t have really known it.


apa2 yg kita buat,

kalau kita hanya fikir untuk diri sendiri memang sgt mudah.

tapi aku tak mampu.

aku kene fikir betul2, ape lagi yg akan berubah dgn setiap yg aku ubah.

ape yg mungkin akan jadi?

will it affect my life? my responsibilities? my duties? other people’s lives?

what about the rest of the people?


it’s not always easy.

and i’m not always recklessly free.

but i think

if one person lets go of what they should be,

someone else might have to do more to fill up for what’s missing

and then, do you think it’s fair for the ones carrying more than their original load just because you decide to let go of yours?



cuba fikir balik,

hidup ni untuk aper?

belajar untuk aper?

bekerja untuk aper?

rase2, cukup ke kalau semuanya hanya semata2 untuk diri sendiri shj?



i’m tired.

i still have a few things unfinished,

until the next post then.



P/S: between these electrical appliances: 1.a pancake maker, 2.a muffin maker, 3.a donut maker, 4.a pie maker, which one is better?