dear nana (6.3.2011)

Published March 6, 2011 by crystalights

dear nana,

i’m not christina.

i’m not sure if i’ve met anyone like her.

she isn’t truly real.

she’s just a character that we would want to be.

(but i wonder if that girl who avoided me wanted to be her. maybe she felt very asian and wanted to get into that character?)

it’s not as if i’m not asian too.


maybe she’s just being herself (in that manner).


christina doesn’t break.

not unless you had to perform surgery at gunpoint on your bestfriend’s husband and even then,

she breaks after the operation’s done and that husband survives.


i’m not christina.


when i get tired in the middle of a 9 to 5 intensive class, i tell myself to pull myself together and not surrender to the tiredness.

not just staying awake but staying attentive to what is being spoken in class.

and while that is the ideal condition, it doesn’t work that way all the time.

sometimes it’s hard to extract that extra energy and drive from inside even when you have the will and intention.

there is not much power

it’s easier to falter


but i tell myself what i should do, what i’m here for

and at least if i don’t have more energy to take in more, i can at least try to grab some general points of some sort.

it’s not really that ideal but it’s allright.


they are all doctors, or professors, or both.

even those tutors have PhD.

my stream director have a PhD and some other stuff + long-time experience + a few books with her name.

takde pulak aku dgar people with a master teaching here (in this uni).


sbb tu bile ditolak request aku nk blajar water aku agak terkesan sikit.

sbb aku rase blajar water kt peringkat degree mana la sama dgn pringkat postgrad.

you know.

even the people that i want to learn it from now, and the people that i have to learn it from previously, are two very different things.



aku terpakse drop subject economy yg aku dh sit in tu and tukar ganti with another economy subject sbb timetable clash.

pas tu dsbbkn bnda ni berlaku mendadak dan tanpa rela (tibe2 je dpt tahu ader subject yg tukar time jadi several subjects would be running at the same time on the same day) then subject yg stream elective kene la dikorban.

so aku pun drop that econ subject. and nk ganti dgn yg economy yg lain (utk ckupkn credit/points).


assessment dier agak extreme gak.

70% final exam. other tasks 30% je.

dah la aku tak pernah ambik subject ekonomi langsung sblm ni.

pas tu aku dh sit for the other econ class tapi terpakse drop.

pas tu bile aku nk ambik subject economy yg lain ni, aku dh pun terlepas the first class (3 hour lecture. and possibly a 1 hour tutorial) sbb aku dpt tahu timetable clash tu last minute.

and it’s not just an economics subject, it’s environmental economics (and strategy).

pas tu aku ckp la my situation gitu2 kt office pas tu ayat dier cam tak bersalah je.

pas tu ayah call aku and dier cam ckp “mcmane boleh jadi mcm ni, kau tak check ke mase kau nak ambik tu?”

padahal aku dh check habis semua dh. brape kali aku check. siap re-write it in my book lg.

everything was perfect on tuesday.

and then wednesday came and ruined it.


okayla aku penat.

blom tido beriye pun lg.




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