cold (heart)

Published March 10, 2011 by crystalights

i thought that you thought of me as part of your family

and then you tell me not to call your family by that name because everyone else calls your family by another name (but everyone else is not part of your family)

i thought that i am.

and now i put out what everybody else does, i attend things that everybody else does, i call the name that everybody else does, and you

you called me by somebody else’ name. (you don’t even remember my five-lettered name).

so i’m not family. i get it.

.

i don’t care that i’m not your family

i just thought about the people who helped me get to you

and they. are. your family.

but they whom i’ve been with on a couple of rare occasions are more family to me than you who were with me more.

i don’t mind the relationships.

but i can’t think business all the time. i don’t sell my feelings and attachments and care to people.

i give them discreetly for free.

if i ask someone of their well-being, i don’t do it to keep up with appearances.

i wear my heart on my sleeves (even when i don’t intend to. even when it hurts me all the time).

even when i’m selfish, i still think about all the people that was affected by it.

.

before i die

i want to be able to know that there is at least ONE person out there who doesn’t have any ulterior motives/agendas/self-gain from the things that they do.

i’m not looking for companionship

what i’m looking for is sincerity.

when you know that you are spoken to with true sincerity, not because of all those reasons that people think is right, but because you truly feel that this is right.

so that your heart.. connects.

it’s not becoming just a chunk of flesh in your chest that your body uses in order to live.

.

so

what’s it gonna be?

do i have to wait and hope that i can move people’s hearts?

that i can change the way people like you feel about people like me.

a stranger. a non-family. another face in the crowd. another name on the list.

i’m sorry that i don’t work that way.

i’m sorry that my heart is transparent. what i do is what my heart tells me to.

but now that i’m wedged into this kind of reality, i find myself stepping back so that you don’t run away.

because i don’t want to hurt people like you the way that people like you hurt me.

everytime you pull back when you step forth, everytime you disappear when you’ve been appearing all the time, something inside me crumbles a little.

i know that you’re just looking out for yourself, you’re just being careful. cautious. safe.

but don’t you think i want to be safe too?

i want to look out for myself too.

i want to take care of myself too.

but i put my heart out there

for people like you

out there is my heart.

i can’t hide away just because of the pain

just because i want to be safe from all that i fear

my heart doesn’t feel it’s fine to be that way just because of me.

.

walau ada masanya aku rase pentingnya diri aku, lebih penting ke diri aku ni dari org lain dan hal lain?

the world doesn’t evolve around one person

it is one world to be shared by all the person(s) out there

.

the things that i do

i do it because of my heart.

i don’t intend it to benefit me in some twisted way

i don’t feel used by you and i don’t intend to use you

because you are not a thing. not a tool. not an item in the itinerary.

you are a person. another soul in the course of this lifetime.

i won’t do to you what so many people like you have done to me.

.

i believe in me

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