senangnye people like you label me as being negative.
it’s not like you’ll ever be in my shoes but thanks anyway for the judgement.
i know that i am open to so many hurtful things
but the possibility of them happening so close together is so near
i am not calling for help at all
i’m just trying to protect myself.
even when i know there will always be people who are ready to inflict pain
i don’t know if i am ready for that kind of pain
but i am here anyway
and i’m not asking for help
i’m just struggling through it in my own way
sometimes when things get difficult my only consolation is that god is still there
and god knows more than i do what this is supposed to mean for me in the course of a lifetime.
i don’t know how to not be afraid
maybe i’m not you
maybe i’m just someone you would never want to be
but i have reasons for my every thought
my every drop of tears
and i don’t want to let you dive in further no matter how transparent i am.
you don’t know what it’s like
you’re not your only kind in your crossing of paths
you don’t have people leaving you before they tell you to leave
you don’t have people subtly telling you how unsuitable you are to a lot of things
you weren’t even subjected to the kinds of things that i was subjected to from the very beginning
you’re not me
you don’t feel my pain
you don’t understand my heart
i just have to brace myself for whatever fate will bring to me
i hope that even when things get tough i would still have hope and no hatred towards anyone or anybody including you
i wanted to know that i can take the pain without inflicting pain to people like you.
i’m just ripped along the edges. scratched on the surface.
but i’m not broken.
maybe you can’t break me because i don’t even know if i’m whole