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All posts for the month April, 2011

kenape. aku.

Published April 30, 2011 by crystalights

today we went to melbond 2011.

drpd awal pun aku rase mcm patutnyer join netball, tapi takpela show support kat b’budak ni join je team baling selipar.

pas tu aku bukan la hardcore sportsperson. asalkan aku main suke2 je kire okay la tu.

tapi bile dh pergi tadi tibe2 aku rase mcm seronok pulak tgok org main netball.

pas tu ader la org ckp “kite (tgthr ni) tak tahu rules”

pas tu aku ckp la aku tahu. aku pnah main time skola dulu (tapi takde la jadi wakil skola ke ape)

pas tu dier tanye “you jadi aper?”

pas tu aku ckp la aku jadi wing2 gitu. (wing kan ader defence ngn attack).

pas tu dier ckp “ye la dier ader byk (position)..” and then mcm nk ckp psl those positions and playing them.

kenape aku rase mcm dier tak percaye je aku tahu main netball eh?

adakah aku kelihatan terlalu freak to know how to play sports?

adakah kerana aku slalu diam bila people meluahkan perasaan dgn carutan, slalu tak respond bile people aggressively criticize what i do, slalu tak berape ader sgt cerite psl the opposite gender, takde keinginan sgt utk benda2 mcm gadget baru or pakaian mewah or how to belong in this foreign country.

perlu ke aku ckp “i was first introduced to this sport when i was 9 years old during my time in caerleon endowed junior school in wales, and my teacher made me ask my mom for new shoes because she wants us to wear the right one for the game, so yes, it is one of those sports that i am familiar with because i learnt and played it in the country that it first originated from.”

so?

so what?

perlu ke setiap kali aku mesti bukak mulut to prove things to other people so that people would stop reacting to me like i’m an alien?

aku kene tell people ke aku dpt tawaran belajar utk duration ni because of what, and then majoring in aper, and then my academic history and my knowledge of the world and my financial future and my future career so as to qualify a “normal” treatment from the people around me?

pas tu aku kene explain ke why i decide to do whatever i decided to do just so that people don’t become rude when they’re not in the know.

and lagi satu, kenape org yg lebih tahu tentang sesuatu berbanding aku akhirnye jadi org terakhir yg beritahu aku sesuatu?

lepas everything mess-up, baru la nak bgtahu aku.

serious aa.

hari ni aku ditegur pasal solat sunat.

tapi cara bercakap mcm “solat tu dah jadi makruh takde point you nak buat” and so on, dpn org lain, mcm nk ckp that aku ni saje buat benda yg takde point. pas tu org yg dgar pun join, ckp psl “solat sunat (kiter buat) bile ader waktu lapang, bukan buat time (mcm ni)”.

rase mcm di attack pulak. sdgkan niat aku just nak solat sunat. kalau salah then tegur la dgn neutral. tak perlu pun gune nada mcm tu.

kau dah la tegur after aku solat.

sblm aku solat sunat tu kau jugak yg ckp “up to you”. pas tu afterwards bile aku dh solat and then kau tegur psl tu then bile aku tanye “nape tadi tak ckp?” kau kata kau nak ckp tapi aku dh solat.

tapi sblm aku solat tu kan kiter berckp? sbnrnye wktu tu kau still boleh ckp about this, takde masalah pun.

pas tu bile org lain pun start join in and muke aku pun mcm annoyed kau pun explain yg kau just nak tegur “sbg org muslim” tapi dgn nada mcm tu. aku pun tak tahu if kau really nak tegur because of that tapi okaylah, kirenyer betol la kau nak tegur as a muslim pun, tapi perlu ke buat dgn cara mcm tu? perlu ke buat aku rase mcm ni?

mcm mase kau tegur psl aku asyik eat the same thing.

mcm mase kau tegur bile aku spaced out or tak notice the flow of conversation.

mcm time kau tegur bile aku asyik menghadap assignment.

mcm bile kau ckp psl people frm my country yg protest or tunjuk perasaan sdgkan rakyat negare kau tak buat mcm tu sbb dorg “educated (and) deal with things rationally.”

you know what,

i can say a lot of things that i don’t like about what you do and the country that you come from, tapi aku rase aku tak perlu pun nak menggunakan aper yg aku tahu utk hurt people like you

itulah namenyer being sensitive to other people’s feelings.

bagi aku, you’re not my nemesis

aku tak boleh benarkan diri aku berusaha utk hancurkan kau

tolong la jgn provoke aku

.

aku just kdg2 rase bengang. kene put up with such derogatory remarks from people like you sdgkan kau tak paham pun kenape aku buat the things yg aku buat.

kenape aku berusaha utk know more about people other than me.

kenape aku spend time utk some things walaupun aku penat.

kenape aku okay with some people in a short time.

kenape aku pay attention to the details. checking and re-checking. correcting. (almost) everything.

kenape aku biarkan org say things yg sakitkan hati aku tapi aku tak respond pun utk menang.

kenape aku sanggup stand outside and berckp dgn org yg ader kat dlm bilik tapi tak bukak pintu.

kenape aku let myself ketuk pintu org just utk smpaikn pesanan yg takde kene mengena pun ngn aku.

kenape aku slalu space out waktu org tgh berckp.

kenape aku slalu tanye kenape.

.

someone said to me a few times:

“jgn tanye kenape”

.

kalau tanye kenape pun tak boleh,

kalau cari jawapan sendiri pun terhalang,

then ape je yg aku boleh buat?

.

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dear nana (29.4.2011) South West Field Trip Part 3 & holiday events.

Published April 29, 2011 by crystalights

dear nana,

it’s about time for my trip story update (yay!)

so frm what i remember,

we went to the beach in Yambuk near a windfarm

which is a farm where the wind generates electricity through windmills

if you look closely, there’re windmills on top of the hill.

here.

can you see it? here’s another one

the windmills are another concern to the people. it’s clean energy but they’re worried that it’s affecting the rare birds. (yup, it’s one of those biodiversity thing, again).

and then we went to tower hill

well there’s no tower, and it’s not really a hill

but you can view it from this higher location like a hill

well, there’s a long history about this place, but i think to sum it up is that it has lost a lot throughout the years (biodiversity, water capacity, heritage of some primitive civilization).

.

the next day we went to the warrnambool botanical gardens

it’s in australia but the design is highly english influenced

the long ones are the poplar trees

this is the money tree. it’s named that way because of the amount of money spent on prolonging the life of this ancient tree.

this one (on the right) is the australian native gum tree. koalas eat that (not the gum, but the leaves). but as usual, there’s no koala here (it’s a garden, not a zoo).

the one on the furthest right is an old gum tree with no leaves so they used it to generate a new tree (like having a baby gum tree from the mother tree).

.

before going back we went to the “12 apostles”

which are actually several stacks of stone standing in the sea

those 12 apostles are actually not 12 anymore..some of them broke and fell into the ocean

along this cliff are flocks of people moving through right until the end (it’s a tourist attraction). i’m not sure if the tourists really came all the way to see some standing stones or if they came because of the tourist attraction thingy. (maybe it doesn’t matter when they’re busy taking pictures anyway).

i can tell you the story of why the stones are the way they are, but i guess you don’t need that kind of information, huh.

.

we went to some other places like the warrnambool gallery and the ralph illidge sanctuary but you can’t take pictures in a gallery (although i kinda did) and i didn’t take any in the sanctuary (some major events occured in the forest).

.

so

what did i do so far for the holidays?

well, apart from assignments and mails, i went to the museum about a couple of days ago

it’s the grainger museum. guess who is grainger? that head on the right, yeah, that’s what he looks like about a year or so before he died. that plaster head was actually casted directly from his face by his doctor (creepy, huh?).

this is the piano he played before (he’s a composer/musician/artiste). it’s not a normal piano, there’s another sound that it produces (maybe it’s like a new-age music thing).

behind the piano is the black pyjamas belonging to his mother.

on the wall is written his wish for his bones to be removed from the flesh and be placed in this museum! so creepy. but the museum refused (ye la, sape yg sanggup nak simpan tulang kat sini?)

.

and then we went to the park.

and that night i went with another friend to the city

 

 

(pergi federation square).

 

 

ngn jln2 tepi yarra river.

the lights make that long structure look like a blue tower (i don’t think it’s originally blue. but it almost looks like a blue eiffel in australia).

 

it’s not too crowded. just a bit quiet.

overall i think australia’s quite big on designs and aesthetical values.

they seemed to like the light plays and reflexive structures and long asymmetrical lines.

.

okay.

i’ll stop now

(wanna go and sleep. ari ni ader hal sikit so nak tido dulu).

maybe until the next post then

(29.4.2011)

-me-

P/S: it’s the royal wedding today~

dear nana (26.4.2011) Part 2

Published April 26, 2011 by crystalights

dear nana,

today i went to one of my usual assignment spots

i kinda finished my assignment (proposal) early and submitted it online today.

alhamdulillah.

that was unexpected, since i was kinda researching, reading, blogging, emailing and writing a proposal all at the same time.

so i guess, starting tomorrow my cuti tinggal lg a few days (sbb dh few days spent on assignments). not sure where to go, but i kinda asked someone to come along with me to the museum or something.

aku still tgh serabot, but i have to try and clear my mind for a bit before i make any life-changing decisions.

.

anyway.

i have other assignment spots too

or places where i don’t feel like communicating with anyone

like here

all these places are not really open for public, kinda strictly for postgrad students only.

so it’s kinda allright when you want to find somewhere quiet and sit for hours reading or doing assignments or maybe just thinking about nothing at all.

it’s 24 hours access so just have to swipe/tap in and out with the student card.

.

good place to hide when you’re the only one studying this program in your circle of people.

.

anyway.

bile kau habis exam nanti, what will you do?

don’t tell me you’re just gonna plunge into that short sem and study (again).

what is up with this family and studying (the past few days aku baru kene sound pasal sibuk dgn assignment).

biar aku recall skit ayat dier camni:

“(you ni) your world asyik revolve around assignment je” (dkt autumn gathering last weekend).

and also mse on the way balik, sambil org tu nak ambik gambar aku bukak buku & buat assignment dlm train dier pun ckp,

“you (‘re equal to) assignment. assignment (equals to) you”

pas tu ader org nampak aku tgh re-draft my 4th draft,

“my god, perfectionist (nyer) you ni”

and so on.

.

aku rase benda tu normal je.

apesal, freak sgt ke buat benda ulang2 smpai satisfied.

yg penting aku rase okay, baru la aku rela lepaskan dan hantar.

kalau aku sendiri pun feel like my work is like shit, camane aku nak rase rela hati hantar.

tu pun dh msuk 4 ke 5th draft pun aku still rase tak kena, still rase mcm patutnyer aku touch-up lagi baru hantar yg lg elok.

.

pas tu bile aku dlm process mengedit draft aku and org tanye aku “ni nadia buat ke..siape yg edit?”

pas tu aku ckp la (aku sendiri yg buat) aku sendiri yg edit.

pas tu reaction nyer cam agak terkejut pulak.

ye la hbis aku nak suruh siape edit?

aku dah laa susah nak suke2 hati bagi people put their hands on my work, ini kan pulak nk sruh org editkan utk aku. aku rase tu hal besar. kalau aku bagi org buat benda tu ibarat mcm aku serahkan kunci constantinople sblm muhammad al-fatih smpai.

it’s like a huge deal of trust, respect, and consideration on my part (and quite a change of principles).

so maybe i’m obsessive-compulsive or whatever

but so what?

.

hmm.

my back hurts.

why do i find writing easier than talking (?) sometimes

i don’t quite know.

.

anyway,

until next time,

goodnight.

(26.4.2011) part 2

-me-

dear nana (26.4.2011)

Published April 26, 2011 by crystalights

dear nana,

i miss him

nampak tak? (ataupun gelap sgt)?

okay,

yg ni clear sikit

i miss them both

don’t you think that kids sound smarter,

 

when they argue?

huhu.

i think i kinda have a problem

which is: i can’t really think beyond this year.

i can wait until the end of the year to figure out what to do

but if i want to do it by next year i have to start applying soon.

if not then maybe i can just go back

but kakak usrah aku ckp dier risau aku balik pas tu lost.

dier ckp dh byk yg happen mcm tu.

dier ckp aku kene work on myself first kalau aku nak tlg orang lain, dier kater lg baik aku teruskan tarbiyyah kat sini for another few years sbb 1 year maybe tak byk yg aku dpt

aku rasa aku perlu balik utk buat sesuatu in my country

tapi aku pun perlu teruskan tarbiyyah mcm usrah, kuliah, majlis2 ilmu & gatherings and so on

tapi aku rase mcm tak larat la nak duduk negare org lame2

i don’t think i can do it beyond this 1 year period

if i stay

would i be okay?

would the people at home be okay?

tapi aku rase mcm pemikiran aku ni mementingkan diri

aku rase tak nak fikir pun beyond everything because it’s too much for me to bear

.

i’ve been ignoring career talks and internship opportunities

i didn’t even apply for continuation of studies and any scholarship so far

i can’t think beyond this year

damn this hurts

.

i don’t think i can really do more than what i’ve done

not because i’ve done a lot, but because i don’t feel like i’m strong enough to do more

ape yg aku fikir & rasa tak boleh nak menjangkau lebih drpd 1 tahun ni

aku tak dapat nak bygkan.

tak boleh ke aku berkorban?

kenape susah sgt utk aku ketepikan perasaan aku

ader byk org yg berkorban lebih besar drpd aku, i don’t know how they do it

skrg ni aku faham mcmane besarnye rasulullah berkorban utk sempurnakan misi & tanggungjawab dia

.

kalau aku nak smbung blajar lagi, it will probably take another 3 years

kalau aku buat internship or start working, maybe another 1 year or something

but whatever i decide to do, it is a commitment.

mcmane aku nak quit halfway once i plunge into it?

it’s not just a stay or leave decision,

it’s a commit or don’t commit decision.

.

i feel like i don’t know anything anymore

(26.4.2011)

-me-

P/S: 1 more assignment to submit tomorrow. pas tu i have the rest of the holiday (but not sure where i’ll go).

maybe i’ll open that gift book and just circle a place in this continent or something. and then maybe drag someone along to come with me.

yes sir, yes sir, 3 bags full

Published April 26, 2011 by crystalights

Yes she is going to have her own family. Well, not just X, there are more to come after this.

yes i understand.

yes aku boleh terima kenyataan.

yes i’m not in denial or disillusioned or out of touch with the normal life stages of a human being.

yes i know what you know too – i just feel a bit sad. because by the time i come back bukan stakat this friend won’t be there, bahkan mungkin seluruh hidup yg prnah aku tahu would disappear or change.

yes you don’t understand what i feel. i get it. i’m just someone who somehow ended up in a foreign land trying to do something right with her life on her own and away from the very people that she’s been with generally her entire 2 decades and a quarter period of life including the last 4 years before leaving.

yes you are so right.

yes i wasn’t trying to pour my heart out on that email. i was just communicating but maybe the “can’t believe this is happening” was a mistake. just one line. and now this.

yes i’ll just move on like you did. so that you know that people can move on and still have feelings too.

.

(maybe it’s my fault that my heart is transparent even in the last line of an email)

.

this twisted tale

Published April 25, 2011 by crystalights

(this is a long one so don’t read if you’re looking for a short happy story).

i realized that you can write 2072 words worth of essay in 2 weeks with 20 references, while simultaneously attending classes, groupwork meetings, completing a group presentation and a group assignment, a solo presentation, a 3-day class trip, tutorials, and some gatherings (and it’s all in god’s will).

kalau tuhan dah tentukan: boleh, maka mcm mane pun keadaan tu nampak mcm tak boleh, insyaAllah it will tetap jadi boleh.

skrg i have another assignment i have to pass up online the day after tomorrow.

so before i start coming up with whatever that is about, let me just word-vomit an entry (or two) here before my anguish eats up my whole purpose.

okay.

p a r t   1 .

mule2 skali, ader byk benda yg aku buat yg aku rase aku yg dulu mungkin takkan buat.

(so, kenape buat?)

sbb:

ape yg aku RASE NAK buat tak sepenting ape yg aku PERLU buat.

aku PERLU:

tunaikan tanggungjawab aku FIRST, yg lain2 tu kemudian la.

aku RASE NAK:

ikut perasaan aku FIRST, yg lain2 tu kemudian la.

so

p a r t   2 .

berdasarkan analysis part 1,

ape yg akan jadi kalau aku buat ape yg aku RASE NAK buat?

possible hypotheses:

1. i might cry less but get angry more

2. i might have more alternatives to make people’s lives a living hell

3. i might lead a simpler life where everything is about me

4. i might have more people who agrees with everything i do regardless of right or wrong

5. i might feel like i’m smarter than most people my age and not feel bad about making people older than me feel dumb and degraded

6. i might become selfishly cold-blooded right down to the core and live a life of hurting people just because i don’t want to be hurt

7. i might be the most self-centred bitch of my kind while doing everything i want and not give a damn about anything else at all

so

what’s stopping me from that?

why am i the way i am?

generally accepted answer:

you can’t really answer that correctly. you don’t know me.

specifically accepted answer:

because you are god’s creation with internal characteristics and exposed to external environments

(answers may vary accordingly).

p a r t   3 .

mari kiter review balik secara kasar dialog2 dlm tempoh b’berape minggu ni.

you dah draft ke-5 then dah stop. ambik nombor ganjil (je la), kalau i, i stop at 3rd draft, i takde mase nak spend berjam2 utk 1 keje sdgkan i boleh use that time utk buat keje lain

bukan aku takde keje lain yg nak dibuat smpai spend so much time utk each and every assignment, tapi kalau aku buat sesuatu tu dgn tak bersungguh2, aku rase bersalah. terase mcm aku dh lakukan kesilapan kat situ. itu la namenyer “tanggungjawab”. you kene “tanggung” your duty and you kene “jawab” aper yg you buat.

..i pun dah set jam..(you) ketuk pintu ala i nak bangun (solat) lambat sikit..

aku just takut kau terlepas subuh. sorry sbb rase takut untuk kau (dan aku). kalau kita mati nanti kalau kita ditanya kenapa terlepas subuh boleh jamin tak bahawa kita takkan ckp: “org ni yg tak kejutkan aku”

?

are you bathing?

no, i wasn’t. i was performing my ablution a.k.a berwudhu’.

sorry to say that i feel bad that you don’t know that sedangkan you are a malaysian albeit practicing a different religion than mine.

kat malaysia you tinggal kat mane eh smpai tanye soalan mcm tak tahu pulak org Islam memang commonly gunekan air dlm preparation nk solat. bukan ke kat Malaysia surau & masjid ada merata2 negeri, lagi2 Selangor daerah kau tu. tak prnah nampak ke barisan paip air kat perkarangan masjid ataupun org berwudhu’ time solat jumaat or solat aidilfitri? ataupun you’re just being sarcastic sbb takkan la org nak take a bath in a small wash-basin/sink in a uni’s commonly used toilet. tapi takpela, lagi snang aku anggap kau tak tahu, hati aku pun tak sakit.

what if you don’t tell anyone? is your god gonna throw lightning at you?” *sambil gelak2* then, “i’m sorry, i shouldn’t tease you“.

wahai org putih, even if i don’t tell anyone about going to a pub, my god knows. i don’t know if i’ll get lightning thrown at me (only god knows that) but i do know that i can get thrown into hell for my sins. maybe you find it funny to tease people like me but trust my god that there is nothing funny about hell.

..dah bangun awal (siap solat subuh) dah sbb mlm tu tak boleh tido..(then) i dah nak terlelap dah lepas tu (you) ketuk pintu terus i tak boleh tidur.

aku tak tahu kau dah sembhyg subuh lebih awal sbb kau pun tak kejutkan aku. tapi memandangkan aku dh bangun sembhyg subuh aku pun kejut la kau sbb aku rase tu tanggungjawab aku (sbg org Islam), tak sangke pulak kau baru nak tido dan tak sangke pulak ketukan aku yg bermomentum sederhana-kecil dan bervolume rendah tu beserta kata-kata “x, bangun sembhyg subuh” tu boleh menyebabkan kau terus terjaga segar bugar sepanjang hari.

aku tak tahu la ni salah aku ke (sbb kejut kau bangun tanpa arahan dari kau) tapi aku rase tuhan aku dah arahkan muslimin & muslimah utk mengajak kpd kebaikan sama2, cthnyer dlm hal2 mcm solat, so aku rase tak sedap hati kalau aku bangun dan hanya make sure diri sendiri je yg solat. tuhan kita kan same? aku dah ckp sorry dah (ader la dlm 2-3 kali kot) and then kau ckp tu “hal kecik je” tapi kau mcm tak pandang muke aku pun dan tak really b’ckp dgn aku like the same way kau b’ckp dgn org lain. bile aku tanye/ajak nak pergi talk/kuliah ptg kau ckp “i stakat nak temankan x je (la) (pergi supermarket)” sambil pandang tingkap dapur.

so, betul ke kau cume rase tu hal kecik?

aku dah bace buku tu beratus2 page pun aku rase tak happy

then bacelah al-Quran.
bukan aku nak kata buku motivasi tu tak baik, cume risalah yg paling baik itulah Al Quran.

(kami) memang join isma pun. cume (kami) tak aktif“.

then mgkin kau lebih tahu dari aku (yg bukan ahli ni) tntang ape program yg boleh kau sertai jadi mungkin takde la halangan dari sudut informasi utk kau dtg and dengar the talk or majlis ilmu so kalau aku dh ajak more than 3 times maksudnyer boleh la kan kalau kau memenuhi ajakan aku?

(i) tahu. my uncle and aunty slalu ader situ (dorg yg organize kn talk tu).

then dtg lah dgar kuliah, boleh sama2 jemaah skali sambil jage ukhwah family.

..kat sini mat salleh tengok hati (bukan rupa)..tak macam (org) kat malaysia

..kat sini diorg protect their women..(org) tak boleh (kacau) kalau you tak nak/tak suka/tak rela..

..sbb tu la i duk sini (sbb i nak) lari dari (mentaliti) (ke)melayu(an)

aku rase, aku kesian kat kau. kau confirm ke mat salleh tak tengok rupa? maksud aku mat salleh ni bukan muhammad bin salleh tau, tapi org putih yg ada kat sini. so terus terang ckp, berape byk org putih yg kau dh jumpe spjg kau ada kat sini utk menyokong statement kau tu? dah buat kajian? berape p value nyer utk research kau tu? brape confidence interval dlm research kau?

org putih atau tak, bukan ke lelaki tetap lelaki?

kalau nak cerita pasal protecting women, agama kita la yg lebih mem’protect’ women. cuba baca sikit khutbah terakhir rasullullah, ape yg dier pesan kpd umatnyer tentang perlindungan perempuan/wanita?

negara ni practice our religion ke?

bukan aku nak ckp negare aku tu baik sgt (faham2 je la camane kan), tapi my point is that even if it seems to you that our country tu mcm tak best pun, this (foreign) country pun bukanlah contoh negare yg terbaik.

kalau kau nak lari dari mentaliti melayu bukan ke ibarat kau nak lari dari diri sendiri, sbb bukan ke diri kau tu pun melayu?

bukan aku nak ckp mentaliti melayu tu betul, tapi my next point is that kalau semua org lari dari bangsanya kerana tak suka dgn cara pemikiran bangsanya then smpai bile baru cara pemikiran bangsanya itu dapat dibetulkan? 

to run away because you rasa something is bad is one thing, but if everyone who runs away doesn’t try to change what they’re running away from, what if setiap yg berlari itu sbnrnye membawa sedikit sisa benih mentaliti melayu tu and then membawanye ke pelosok dunia yg lain? akhirnye kita mungkin akan ada byk kelompok2 bermentaliti melayu yg begitu di serata dunia.

so why not: “be the change that you want to see”, like what mahatma gandhi says.

on the phone with me you said:

..you nak balik esok ke? (hbis) mcmane i nak mandi?

tapi on the phone with her you said:

..rase bersalah sbb nadia kene balik hantar kunci

aku balik la jugak (jauh2 dlm 35 mins tumpang kereta org pulak tu) sbb tak nak kau rase disusahkan kerana aku. tapi kan, betul ke ni salah aku? isn’t it an unspoken rule siape kluar bawak kunci sendiri? yes aku terlupe that you are still in the house so aku pun lock pintu bilik tapi kau angkat brg2 and pergi bilik lain the night before and kau lock pintu bilik yg kau masuk tu, mcmane aku nak tahu kau hanya angkat brg2 tido SAHAJA dan bukan brg2 PENTING yg lain mcm KUNCI BILIK? sbb laptop ngn charger kau bawak, tu bukan brg utk tido pun; tibe2 kunci bilik pulak yg kau tak bawak. pas tu senang la put the entire blame on me (walaupun i didn’t even see your face the morning that i left, mcmane aku nk ingat that i need to leave the room open for you to enter; kau pun tak mengingatkan atau berpesan:”jgn kunci pintu bilik”). pas tu aku dtg all the way tumpang kereta org dari werribee tembus ke city smpai area rumah dlm traffic congestion tu semata2 utk bukak kan pintu bilik for you and say sorry (again) and then kau tak bangun pun dari katil bilik yg kau spend the night tu utk at least tunjukkan penghargaan dgn betul.

kalau aku tak balik pun, kau still boleh mandi la, toilet bukannye dlm bilik. aku bukannye tak balik seminggu, cume tak balik 1 malam je. takkanla tak boleh mandi kalau takde towel merah and baju special kau tu.

.

so,

p a r t   4.

okay.

sbb tu kalau boleh jgn ckp or buat ape2 kat aku benda2 yg kamu2 tak nak aku ingat.

sbb once kau ckp and aku dgar, kalau dier mencucuk hati aku berkemungkinan besar dier akan terus stay there sampai mati.

sbb sometimes kalau aku tak ckp, aku nangis. atau marah. atau play this twisted cold war where i never really get tired of not speaking.

tapi aku tahu i shouldn’t do that cold war thing, it’s not right.

this is where tanggungjawab comes FIRST and ape yg aku RASE NAK buat comes later.

walau ape pun yg aku RASE NAK buat terhadap people like you, ader a few things yg hold me back.

anyway,

in this life that you’re living, what is your purpose?

is your purpose more important than everything else?

is your purpose only for you and your sake?

kdg2 aku rase ader byk benda yg buat aku nak run away cepat2 and leave this country.

rakyat tanah air aku yg aku jumpe kat sini pun mcm2 jenis attitude yg ader, kdg2 aku rase tak larat la.

babe, you ni rakyat malaysia ke aussie?

org melayu ke org putih?

serangan barat untuk tegakkan kepentingan kuasa, harta & agama dier bukan sekadar physical shj, serangan pemikiran yg dicetuskan boleh jadi lebih menghancurkan dan meracunkan especially dlm zaman pasca modenisasi mcm skarang ni.

they have a mission. they know our weaknesses and strengths sejak rentetan kisah zaman perang salib lagi. they know that we are only strong because of our akidah and religion.

jadi kita sbg org Islam ni boleh ke kita biarkan saf kita diretakkan?

boleh ke kiter feel safe?

.

sbb tu la aku kata:

ape yg aku RASE NAK buat tak sepenting ape yg aku PERLU buat.

.

so semua yg aku ckpkn ni adalah untuk mengingatkan diri aku jugak tentang siapa aku dan aper misi aku.

bukan aku nak tunjukkan kelemahan sesape atau nak tuding jari pada org2 dlm persekitaran aku, tapi just aku nak tulis aper yg ada dlm hati & fikiran aku these days.

.

so there.

i think i’ve said more than what i usually say here.

tgok word count pun lagi byk dari essay yg aku tulis for 2 weeks tu.

(this is 2100 words).