what the hell is wrong

Published April 1, 2011 by crystalights

aku pun tak paham aper salah aku

i just do things because i feel like i should at least care about people other than myself

bukannyer sbb aku nak collect friends and show what a big social circle i have.

i know that i don’t care about such things.

kalau ikutkan hati, i would probably go and hide in my shell and perhaps stay there for a long time.

semua ni bukan sesuatu yg aku cari atas dasar nama atau reputasi.

i think i’m old enough now than i was back then.

i’m a grown up. grown ups don’t have to go so far just to prove something meaningless.

bukannyer aku nak conquer the social circle

bukannyer aku nak kejar that social standing

aku cume nak buat keje aku sbg org Islam yg bersaudara: menjaga ukhwah.

tu je.

.

ada ape2 yg aku buat yg salah ke?

did i take away something from you that you don’t want to give?

.

bukan aku nak cakap aku baik pun,

aku tahu aku tak.

aku tak sebaik org2 yg betul2 hidup menyampaikan kebaikan.

aku rase takde ape2 pun pada diri aku yg org harap utk ada pada diri dier.

aku rase aku ni takde ape2 pun yg dicari atau diingini.

.

i tell you everything that i can involve you in because i don’t want to cast you away.

i don’t know what your intentions are whenever you tell me about some things;

tapi aku pelik, kenape everytime aku bgtau or ajak kau psl things

kau slalu ckp kau dh tahu dulu (dgn nada semacam).

maybe i’m overthinking this

tapi bila aku ckp aku nak go and be a part of that thing and i was thinking if you really don’t want to join and if you’re really okay of not coming with me, kau tibe2 mcm bgtau aku yg kau ada some other place to be and some other people to be with (dgn nada semacam tu).

aku tak faham sbnrnye kenape kau slalu dah tahu dulu tapi dh a few times aku yg bgtau kau lepas aku dpt tahu;

pas tu aku tak faham nape kau tibe2 baru ckp kau nak gi tempat lain ngn org lain time tu (dgn nada mcm tu);

pas tu aku tak faham kenape kau ckp aku rapat dgn that certain person tu (dgn nada mcm tu);

aku tak paham la nada-nada kau tu.

ape sbnrnye yg kau nak ckp?

what? that you don’t need people and you’re not like me or is it because i am someone who doesn’t need to help people get anywhere because i’m the one that needs help?

what?

what is it that i’ve done that you seem to disagree so much?

aku cume ajak je.

dlm hati aku dh buat keputusan nak pergi regardless of whether or not kau ikut atau tak. tapi aku takde la nak rub it in your face betape nak pergi nyer aku walaupun kau takde.

mcm that other event tu. yg kau ckp smlm kau memang pergi pun (dgn nada mcm tu).

bukannyer aku tak tahu kau memang pergi. aku cume bgtau je aku decide nak pergi jugak sbb i heard what it’s about.

but you, you know the details earlier than i do, kan?

(and yet.)

.

ntahla.

maybe aku yg freak kot.

maybe i don’t understand people enough, but overanalyze them too much.

maybe i don’t know what people mean when they say or do the things that they do. because i always say or do things in away that people can somehow know and understand even when i don’t want to. i’m too transparent that my ugliness shows.

.

whatever.

aku penat.

i’m tired and emotional and i have a few assignments to write.

.

have a great day (and maybe when you’re happy you can help lessen people’s unhappiness)

.

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