stories of today and yesterdays

Published April 10, 2011 by crystalights

today was my group presentation.

i guess it was okay. tapi aku pun tak tahu knape hari ni terlebih nervous smpai ader 1 part yg aku tibe2 terlupe aper nak ckp. tapi aku reconstruct it in my head and try to make whatever point that i have in my head across. which is kinda difficult when your mind suddenly went blank, but well, things happened.

hari ni baru aku rasa mcm mungkin selama ni aku take for granted the kind of things that i was able to learn when i was younger.

i mean, sometimes, language can be a barrier jugak.

cuba bygkan kalau aku tak tahu english, mcmane aku nak blajar kat negare ni?

mcmane aku nak write thousand words’ worth of essay and then nak fahamkan ape feedback yg diberi dari essay tu?

aku ingatkan bahasa tu tak la penting sgt. yg penting tahu gune dh la.

rupa2nyer, sometimes knowing is not enough.

bile kiter masuk ke dalam kelompok golongan akademik mcm ni, dorg agak mementingkan kualiti dari byk sudut, termasuklah aspek bahasa.

dorg berckp tentang what is or isn’t proper usage, dari sudut “academic writing”.

so hari ni aku dpt balik my very 1st assignment for this 1st semester of mine.

pas tu dier ckp la: “you did quite well”, tapi takde la aku dpt H1 pun. (H1 tu kire mcm A1 la).

dier ckp: “it is above average”. pas tu aku mcm terfikir: above average doesn’t mean that i did quite well.

it just means.. whatever it means.

ntahla. ye la, aku bersyukur. alhamdulillah. tak baik kan asyik complain je.

it’s just that i was reading through my tutor’s feedback pas tu ader part kt comments section tu dier ckp:

“your writing lets you down a bit – at times your point wasn’t clear even though your thinking + critical analysis is really quite advanced! Overall, well done!”

dgn nada happy nyer dier comment. aku pulak yg terase mcm kekurangan.

ye la, mcmane aku bleh tulis smpai dier tak paham apa problem yg aku nak smpaikan tapi dier paham solution yg aku cdgkan.

aku ingatkan my writing is at least tangible to some extent, pas tu tibe2 ader pulak yg aku buat yg buatkan org tak paham.

in my essay dier ader jugak tulis that my sentence is too long.

pas tu aku exceed the word limit pun sbnrnye.

sbb tu kot tak dpt H1. hah. aku memang tak expect pun dpt H1, my work wasn’t good enough.

i wasn’t good enough.

i have to find a way to survive the next 2 weeks without an anxiety attack

or an emotional breakdown.

aku rase aku kene withdraw from society for a while.

mcm bila rasulullah bersendiri kat gua hira’.

tapi aku bukan rasul; ye aku tahu. aku cume ordinary girl yg sedikit overwhelmed with life.

rasulullah pun tak la duduk kat gua tu selama-lamanya. just for some time until it’s time for him to be somewhere else and do something else.

tanggungjawab dia lebih besar kan.

so he lived in society dan menjalankan tanggungjawabnya dlm masyarakat.

tapi dari umur yg masih kecil dia dh mula berfikir tentang kejadian alam.

at that same age, what were we doing?

.

sometimes i wonder what being older means

.

maybe aku feel uncomfortable

bila aku tak dpt control emosi sendiri

smpai semua org dpt catch a glimpse of it

like a public show

and at the same time

bila ini berlaku diluar kawalan

the kind of reaction wasn’t what i was hoping for

i thought that at least if it’s out there

it wouldn’t be as damaging if it is slowly taken and patched

but i feel like it’s not truly put together

it’s not truly a healing process

it’s almost as if it’s just a huge clean up:

clap clap a round of applause,

show’s over let’s get on with life.

.

it probably is quite demanding, but

i don’t want to be placated

i just want genuine sincerity

.

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2 comments on “stories of today and yesterdays

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