dear nana (26.4.2011)

Published April 26, 2011 by crystalights

dear nana,

i miss him

nampak tak? (ataupun gelap sgt)?

okay,

yg ni clear sikit

i miss them both

don’t you think that kids sound smarter,

 

when they argue?

huhu.

i think i kinda have a problem

which is: i can’t really think beyond this year.

i can wait until the end of the year to figure out what to do

but if i want to do it by next year i have to start applying soon.

if not then maybe i can just go back

but kakak usrah aku ckp dier risau aku balik pas tu lost.

dier ckp dh byk yg happen mcm tu.

dier ckp aku kene work on myself first kalau aku nak tlg orang lain, dier kater lg baik aku teruskan tarbiyyah kat sini for another few years sbb 1 year maybe tak byk yg aku dpt

aku rasa aku perlu balik utk buat sesuatu in my country

tapi aku pun perlu teruskan tarbiyyah mcm usrah, kuliah, majlis2 ilmu & gatherings and so on

tapi aku rase mcm tak larat la nak duduk negare org lame2

i don’t think i can do it beyond this 1 year period

if i stay

would i be okay?

would the people at home be okay?

tapi aku rase mcm pemikiran aku ni mementingkan diri

aku rase tak nak fikir pun beyond everything because it’s too much for me to bear

.

i’ve been ignoring career talks and internship opportunities

i didn’t even apply for continuation of studies and any scholarship so far

i can’t think beyond this year

damn this hurts

.

i don’t think i can really do more than what i’ve done

not because i’ve done a lot, but because i don’t feel like i’m strong enough to do more

ape yg aku fikir & rasa tak boleh nak menjangkau lebih drpd 1 tahun ni

aku tak dapat nak bygkan.

tak boleh ke aku berkorban?

kenape susah sgt utk aku ketepikan perasaan aku

ader byk org yg berkorban lebih besar drpd aku, i don’t know how they do it

skrg ni aku faham mcmane besarnye rasulullah berkorban utk sempurnakan misi & tanggungjawab dia

.

kalau aku nak smbung blajar lagi, it will probably take another 3 years

kalau aku buat internship or start working, maybe another 1 year or something

but whatever i decide to do, it is a commitment.

mcmane aku nak quit halfway once i plunge into it?

it’s not just a stay or leave decision,

it’s a commit or don’t commit decision.

.

i feel like i don’t know anything anymore

(26.4.2011)

-me-

P/S: 1 more assignment to submit tomorrow. pas tu i have the rest of the holiday (but not sure where i’ll go).

maybe i’ll open that gift book and just circle a place in this continent or something. and then maybe drag someone along to come with me.

2 comments on “dear nana (26.4.2011)

  • jgn nak tampal gambar mcm kanak2 gemok yng hilang bole tak?

    he’s such a gremlin..a black one

    i’ve just finish my last paper..
    finally free..
    anyway i had some plans for this short semester.
    i was thinking on cooking in the room..atleast that fills my time..
    i’m goin to buy a rice cooker..isn’t this great..i did applied for a new college to stay for my third year..and my application has been approve..so no more roomates..i applied for a single room tapi tak tau dpt ke x..kwn2 aku sume konfem yang aku dapat je sebb taun tige mmg diprioritizekan..

    so are u coming back for raye or what?
    because after short sem i’m gonna stay at home untill raye..
    and i’ll not bother to go to rumah adik beradik ayah when takde gang..

    because it’ll be like so a group of adults sitting together talking about tanah and children..i’m not in that age ok..

    i guess kalaw ko nak balek maybe u could..

    i don’t think u would be lost..aku pon tak tau..let the tyme comes and see what one year will bring in you.

    mmg la kite perlu ditarbiyah tapi isn’t coming home is also somekind of obligation..like tarbiyah tak bererti leaving home for a long tyme rite? doing something untuk org Islam dekat negare sendiri pon ibadah..dan bukan ke Allah akan tolong org yang berjuang di jalan Dia..
    kat malaysia bnyak gile people yang tak sedar lagi and very ignorant tentang obligation and what they should do..i’ve been reading bdk2 ukm and u lain punye blog..sgt paramoreeish..is that even a word..hope so

    aku pon sometimes have this kind of issue coming in my mind..like what’s going to happen to me..what’s next lepast aku da grad..coz i still can’t decide and tak tau cmne ngn halaqah aku..

    kakak usrah aku mcm waiting for th tyme to tell me supaye aku plak jadi murabiyyah..but i don’t think they really know me..aku not ready..aku bnyak unsettled bussiness running in different direction..aku cm rase aku pentingkan diri tapi aku can’t lead people when i myself am lost..

    sometimes i’m just not sure whether i’m ready or will ever be ready..

    i’m just so tired of feeling the same thing these days..aku tak sabar nk bilek single supaye i have my own space..tpi sometimes i wonder itu je ke yg aku nk..my own space..sebab da biase kot being in every situation alone..

    anyway, the car broke down yesterday and i was panicked and dad told me to search for the manual book and think of something like always..die soh chech wayar kat bhagian dpan..
    aku bukak tempat enjin and i can’t seem firgure out a thing..a few days back, tayar pancit like flat gile..mase tuh kol 1.30pagi in the middle of the road..i came back from studying..aku pon tak nk buat ape..these days make me feel like i’m incapable..

    untill then
    -tired as usual-

    i hav

  • mcmane aku nak balik raye, time tu masih dlm calendar sem 2 lagi la, kalau ikutkan teaching week pun tak habis lagi. silap2 hari raye tu pun aku kene gi klas.
    baik kau pergi je la merantau satu semenanjung ikut kwn2 kau beraye or something.

    ye la klau nak cerita hal tanah ngan hal anak2 (bapak kau ketua kampung ke?), m’mang la takde kaitan ngn kau. kalau ader kaitan pun maybe sbg pembantu dapur kpd mesyuarat tanah tu kot.
    kau dah la tak suke si 5 bersaudara tu kan?

    by the way i think your dad is unbelievable. ader ke dier sruh kau check wayar kereta rujuk manual, dier ingat kereta tu kereta control ke? ingat ni experiment dlm lab ke? kan kau ni nak tukar battery kereta pun panggil org dtg buatkan, inikan pulak nak sruh fix wayar kereta. gile aper?

    (omg kau tau tak mak long mintak email aku drpd mak?!! aku freak out giler pas tu t’lepas kat 1 of my friends kat sni pas tu dier cam pelik ngn reaction aku kot. biasela kiter kan cam family of freaks skit, relationship pun tak normal sgt).

    okayla.

    please plan your hari raya vacation (because i don’t think i can come home, it’s still teaching week at that time).

  • Leave a Reply

    Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

    WordPress.com Logo

    You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

    Twitter picture

    You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

    Facebook photo

    You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

    Google+ photo

    You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

    Connecting to %s

    %d bloggers like this: