kenape. aku.

Published April 30, 2011 by crystalights

today we went to melbond 2011.

drpd awal pun aku rase mcm patutnyer join netball, tapi takpela show support kat b’budak ni join je team baling selipar.

pas tu aku bukan la hardcore sportsperson. asalkan aku main suke2 je kire okay la tu.

tapi bile dh pergi tadi tibe2 aku rase mcm seronok pulak tgok org main netball.

pas tu ader la org ckp “kite (tgthr ni) tak tahu rules”

pas tu aku ckp la aku tahu. aku pnah main time skola dulu (tapi takde la jadi wakil skola ke ape)

pas tu dier tanye “you jadi aper?”

pas tu aku ckp la aku jadi wing2 gitu. (wing kan ader defence ngn attack).

pas tu dier ckp “ye la dier ader byk (position)..” and then mcm nk ckp psl those positions and playing them.

kenape aku rase mcm dier tak percaye je aku tahu main netball eh?

adakah aku kelihatan terlalu freak to know how to play sports?

adakah kerana aku slalu diam bila people meluahkan perasaan dgn carutan, slalu tak respond bile people aggressively criticize what i do, slalu tak berape ader sgt cerite psl the opposite gender, takde keinginan sgt utk benda2 mcm gadget baru or pakaian mewah or how to belong in this foreign country.

perlu ke aku ckp “i was first introduced to this sport when i was 9 years old during my time in caerleon endowed junior school in wales, and my teacher made me ask my mom for new shoes because she wants us to wear the right one for the game, so yes, it is one of those sports that i am familiar with because i learnt and played it in the country that it first originated from.”

so?

so what?

perlu ke setiap kali aku mesti bukak mulut to prove things to other people so that people would stop reacting to me like i’m an alien?

aku kene tell people ke aku dpt tawaran belajar utk duration ni because of what, and then majoring in aper, and then my academic history and my knowledge of the world and my financial future and my future career so as to qualify a “normal” treatment from the people around me?

pas tu aku kene explain ke why i decide to do whatever i decided to do just so that people don’t become rude when they’re not in the know.

and lagi satu, kenape org yg lebih tahu tentang sesuatu berbanding aku akhirnye jadi org terakhir yg beritahu aku sesuatu?

lepas everything mess-up, baru la nak bgtahu aku.

serious aa.

hari ni aku ditegur pasal solat sunat.

tapi cara bercakap mcm “solat tu dah jadi makruh takde point you nak buat” and so on, dpn org lain, mcm nk ckp that aku ni saje buat benda yg takde point. pas tu org yg dgar pun join, ckp psl “solat sunat (kiter buat) bile ader waktu lapang, bukan buat time (mcm ni)”.

rase mcm di attack pulak. sdgkan niat aku just nak solat sunat. kalau salah then tegur la dgn neutral. tak perlu pun gune nada mcm tu.

kau dah la tegur after aku solat.

sblm aku solat sunat tu kau jugak yg ckp “up to you”. pas tu afterwards bile aku dh solat and then kau tegur psl tu then bile aku tanye “nape tadi tak ckp?” kau kata kau nak ckp tapi aku dh solat.

tapi sblm aku solat tu kan kiter berckp? sbnrnye wktu tu kau still boleh ckp about this, takde masalah pun.

pas tu bile org lain pun start join in and muke aku pun mcm annoyed kau pun explain yg kau just nak tegur “sbg org muslim” tapi dgn nada mcm tu. aku pun tak tahu if kau really nak tegur because of that tapi okaylah, kirenyer betol la kau nak tegur as a muslim pun, tapi perlu ke buat dgn cara mcm tu? perlu ke buat aku rase mcm ni?

mcm mase kau tegur psl aku asyik eat the same thing.

mcm mase kau tegur bile aku spaced out or tak notice the flow of conversation.

mcm time kau tegur bile aku asyik menghadap assignment.

mcm bile kau ckp psl people frm my country yg protest or tunjuk perasaan sdgkan rakyat negare kau tak buat mcm tu sbb dorg “educated (and) deal with things rationally.”

you know what,

i can say a lot of things that i don’t like about what you do and the country that you come from, tapi aku rase aku tak perlu pun nak menggunakan aper yg aku tahu utk hurt people like you

itulah namenyer being sensitive to other people’s feelings.

bagi aku, you’re not my nemesis

aku tak boleh benarkan diri aku berusaha utk hancurkan kau

tolong la jgn provoke aku

.

aku just kdg2 rase bengang. kene put up with such derogatory remarks from people like you sdgkan kau tak paham pun kenape aku buat the things yg aku buat.

kenape aku berusaha utk know more about people other than me.

kenape aku spend time utk some things walaupun aku penat.

kenape aku okay with some people in a short time.

kenape aku pay attention to the details. checking and re-checking. correcting. (almost) everything.

kenape aku biarkan org say things yg sakitkan hati aku tapi aku tak respond pun utk menang.

kenape aku sanggup stand outside and berckp dgn org yg ader kat dlm bilik tapi tak bukak pintu.

kenape aku let myself ketuk pintu org just utk smpaikn pesanan yg takde kene mengena pun ngn aku.

kenape aku slalu space out waktu org tgh berckp.

kenape aku slalu tanye kenape.

.

someone said to me a few times:

“jgn tanye kenape”

.

kalau tanye kenape pun tak boleh,

kalau cari jawapan sendiri pun terhalang,

then ape je yg aku boleh buat?

.

One comment on “kenape. aku.

  • diam ar weh..
    ko ni betau je la die..soh die diam..
    kakak usrah aku kate kalaw kite tak puas hati bile kite betau Allah akan bagi kelegaan..sebab kite da ckp ape yg kite tak puas ati..
    tapi aku slalu sgt ckp pe yang aku tak puas ati..hmm tak lege sgt laa.
    org kecik ati lagi ade..

  • Leave a Reply

    Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

    WordPress.com Logo

    You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

    Twitter picture

    You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

    Facebook photo

    You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

    Google+ photo

    You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

    Connecting to %s

    %d bloggers like this: