toughen up

Published May 11, 2011 by crystalights

aku rase aku ader masalah.

masalah ni berpunca drpd aku.

kalau aku takde masalah ni, aku rase aper pun yg b’laku skeliling aku, i’ll still be fine (insyaAllah).

tapi sbbkan aku ader masalah ni, aku rase mcm everything’s not fine.

.

i think

right from the first day

the moment my flight touched down upon this land

my self-confidence flew out the window.

.

i keep second-guessing myself. in almost everything.

that feeling

always so lacking, so undeserving.

this isn’t me, is it?

why am i so easily affected by these things?

i can’t let some asian american girl make me feel like this.

i’m an asian too. i’m not american, but i go to school too.

i didn’t get into this program by lottery.

i came here with a set of paper proving what i’ve learnt for 4 years.

i did research and statistical analysis from scratch. for my undergrad.

i went for environmental impact assessment site auditing before.

i started from zero and slowly made my way through.

i may not remember everything but i know that i didn’t spend the last 4 years sleeping.

so why am i so damn afraid of tomorrow’s land capability assessment?

is it because i have to be in a group with that girl?

or is it because i’ve never done an LCA before?

but everybody else in that class hasn’t done it too.

why am i being such an inferior freak now?

.

tuhan je yg faham ape ader dlm hati aku ni.

sbb kdg2 aku pun tak faham kenape aku mcm ni.

kenape sbnrnye aku rase mcm ni?

.

i don’t even get it.

i actually spent the afternoon crying because of this girl and tomorow’s assessment.

why do i have to feel like this?

if i don’t like how she’s making me feel, then i should’ve responded with my attitude.

not hide away and cry.

what am i, 4 yrs old?

come on now, stop letting people go all bi-atch like i’m some kind of punching bag

this is so not highschool

stop thinking that everyone’s better

i have to believe that i’m not nothing

.

sriously

i’m not sure how it’ll be tomorow.

i just hope i don’t cry in the middle of the LCA.

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