with or without me. (with or without you).

Published May 14, 2011 by crystalights


it’s just that i’m not ready to share my hiding place.

i only have like 2-3 locations. and 1 of them is already invaded by that dude so lately i haven’t been going there anymore.

and the 2nd one is cold and without the utilities that i need so since winter’s approaching i can’t really sit there for a while.

the last 1 is smaller and can only hold a limited nmbr of people at a time so i don’t want to have to be there with people that i know.

i need that kind of environment when i do my work.

i can’t bring you along

i’m not okay with that.

what i can offer you is just some other places where you can go to, where i don’t feel like i’ll go to for now (ie. places that have enough facilities but are more open to public).

because it’s not like you’ll bring me along when you have your things going on, kan

kdg2 aku rase bile kau tak nk diganggu kau tak kisah je buang aku mane2

bile kau nak something boleh pulak kau kutip aku balik

when you have to finalize your assignments

when you want a face to fill in your extra time

when you want to go somewhere for your studies/work

so i guess

two can play this game

this isn’t retribution

it’s just that this is as far as my consideration and compassion can go

i don’t need to be alone

i just need to be away from you

aku rase aku tak boleh ikut kau

kau pun tak pyh la ikut aku

haven’t you noticed? i think i’ve stopped asking.


don’t get me wrong

i think you’re a great person for someone your age

you’re smart and good-natured

but cautious and opinionated

you’re the kind of child that most parents would ask for

it’s just that we don’t really fit the norms of a true friendship

i know that i can sit there with you while you study

i can stay and listen to you talk about what you’ve learnt

i can give feedback and be your study friend

but i don’t want to give you that

i’ve never really given anyone that

apart from a very small number of people in the last few yrs that i’m home.


maybe this is me being selfish

but i can’t be to you what you’ve never really been for me.


esok aku tnjukkan kau mane kau boleh pergi, insyaAllah.

lpas tu aku nak go somewhere else to do my own things.



aku rase tak larat.


kenape pulak nak tanye why aku tak buat kerja kat rumah?

perlu ke aku explain?

it’s not like i have to be in this house

it’s not like it matters whether or not i’m there or not there


bukan aku nak halang kau pergi tmpat yg aku nk prgi, tmpat tu bukan milik aku, tapi aku jst nak berada jauh dari org2 (mcm kau) utk tmpoh wktu ni.

all around me people have bought flight tickets to go home

what kind of joke is this

that i don’t even know when i’ll be home let alone arrange flight dates


i can’t pacify you

when i’m the one being patronized



2 comments on “with or without me. (with or without you).

  • ok so don’t let her know ur hiding place..

    alot of things been going on around here weyh..

    weyh ko tau tak sheila on 7 ade kuar lagu baru..kindda miss that old songs of them that we use to love and indulge those dfays..

    well check out kat youtube ‘hari bersamamnya’..

    anyway aku tak tau cmne nk privatekan post aku untuk ko sekoh je..

    aku kan bute IT siket..

    aku bru a week got here but rite now rase nak balik rumah balik..

    hmm..cmne la agaknye ko yang twisted and psychopath kat sane..

  • aku asyik t’mimpi2 aku kat msia je.
    my friends have lead their own lives now.
    everyone’s moved on.
    everyone’s fine.

    sometimes i think that this is just the kind of life that i have to lead
    because i have to feel like this in order to be what i wasn’t being before

    i think that no one can really know until they’re in your shoes

    like in sharon creech’s “two moons”: “do not judge a man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins”

    even you yourself don’t really know why

    maybe one day we’ll eventually know.
    or maybe not until the hereafter.

    so you just kinda hold on to whatever fate and destiny that’s been decided for you.

    i’ve jst seen the vid a few mnutes ago
    mslhnyer i’m not so sure if that boy is a boy.
    (why pick that “boy” for the vid anyway?)

    bunyi drum takkan samer wthout anton
    it’s not just the strokes, it’s the stick. i think brian has to find that exact same stick. and learn the strokes (itupun kalau anton nk ajar la)
    and sakti, he won’t be coming back, right?
    at least not for now.

    even our fave group wasn’t exactly the same after all this time

    i guess in an ideal world, nothing would be changed until it needs to be (changed).

    it’s not just being loyal to a particular principle
    it’s giving your effort and gathering your will to that belief

    but i guess that doesn’t really apply when there are principles and beliefs far greater than your own.

    (maybe that’s why some people just leave).

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