dear nana (16.5.2011)

Published May 17, 2011 by crystalights

dear nana,

even when there’s so much that doesn’t make sense,

i still want to hold on to them until they do.

like that book in my bag that i don’t want to return but don’t have the will to read

or that song in my player that i don’t want to delete but don’t want to listen to

sometimes i get so weird

i even freak myself out

.

i met some people today

FPI students frm UKM who came here on a visit

UKM gave them mney for a 1 mnth visit

not sure what program that is that they applied to

but hey

some people are lucky that they get to go back home after sight-seeing/cultural learning for a month

while some people just have to trudge along (not for sight-seeing) for as long as they’re supposed to.

i’m not blaming fate and destiny

i’m just patching up my wounds and rethinking things.

.

sometimes i don’t want to think that i’m here too.

i guess i feel okay when i meet people

but when i sit somewhere to clear my head

everything comes back right on

it’s overwhelming when you feel too much

kdg2 aku rase kalau aku bukan org Islam yg p’caye pada takdir aku boleh jadi gila

it’s like

you know that the sun rises and the seasons change and the world keeps on spinning

everything’s going and flowing and inching forward

and you’re moving along with time

but somehow

you know that your world isn’t entirely whole

.

it’s indescribable

.

and when people talk to you and you look at them

your glances are like a secret plea that no one detects

but you detected their secret calling

you know what they’re looking for

you just don’t know if you’re in a position to deliver.

.

so here comes autumn shifting to winter

i shouldn’t put my pic on display like this

but i figured since my face isn’t even bigger than the nail on my pinkie i thought it’d be okay (if not then i guess i could password this one later).

this is me.

in campus.

that’s practically where i’ve been lately. to and fro.

anyway.

life’s getting a bit tougher.

assgnment ribu2 perkataan. pas tu exam around some corners.

and this is off topic but,

i don’t think i can get married anytime soon.

i’m not done with things yet.

i need to fix my life. need to fix our home back home. need to fix the people of my country. need to fix the system.

i want to know that i have been to the extreme

so knock me off my feet

come on now give it to me

anything to make me feel alive

is it enough to love

is it enough to breathe

somebody rip my heart out

and leave me here to bleed

is it enough to die

somebody save my life

i’d rather be anything but ordinary please

it’s just that a lot of people are doing or have done that

and sometimes i get that kind of question (because i’m about to be 24)

it’s strange

for me to think about it

i don’t know.

am i marriage-phobic or men-phobic or relationship-phobic?

don’t i feel anything?

maybe it’s not that i don’t feel anything

it’s just that i have many things that i’m feeling already.

even the littlest things makes the fine lines amplify

so walking away from that thought makes it easier

.

what if you can no longer do  what you’ve always thought you’d do and what you wish to do just because someone decides to put a ring on your finger

what if he doesn’t think you have a right to realize your dreams because he owns you, dreams included.

what if you can’t be who you are anymore because you’re someone’s wife above all else.

bagi aku

semua tu pengorbanan.

yg sgt besar.

i’m not sure if it’s something that i’m capable of.

.

i’m not the best example of how a woman should be.

berkorban pun t’rse berat.

.

so okay.

i should stop

i probably wouldn’t really remember exactly what i’ve written come tomorrow morning because i don’t think i’m very awake right now

.

goodnight

-me-

(16.5.2011)

3 comments on “dear nana (16.5.2011)

  • weyh kann post ni private
    memang la org len tak boleh view pic ni kann.

    xde org expect ko to get married anytime soon ok..

    anyway, life’s been very difficult..short sem bukannye everything that i ever imagine..

    memule je sweet..then the whole process are like sour, pungent fruit..

    aku rase Allah nak uji aku..

    sometimes ko rase ko close dgn org tuh n then when u get to know her undiscovered side ko yng hurt..

    hmm.

    aku just so tired of this cycle..malas nak talk a bout it..

    anyway tak sabar nk start a new sem and get the hell out of here..

    aku skang tenga ade mid lyfe crisis and bnyak sgt ujian in order nak berdakwah..

    kekadang aku pikir, ape gune aku kawan ngn org kalaw aku tak bole nk tunjukkan die bende yang betoll..

    it’s all getting complicated bile ko da betul2 into halaqah..

    wutever anyway..can’t wait to go home..life just sucks.

    aku rase aku kene stop thinking tooo much and bnyakkan doa..

    u too..

    • post ni aku tak privatekan.. i thought it’d be okay because my face in the pic is very small. lgpun ader my friend ckp dlm email sruh aku put up my pic skit, so this is probably the only exception utk aku tak privatekan post yg ader my picture this time.
      lg 1, kalau aku privatekan mstila kau kene type in password baru bleh tgok (kau tak kene type any password pun kan? pesal kau tak prasan post ni tak private pulak..isy2 ko ni).

      but if you think it’s btter utk privatekn nnti aku bleh try privatekan. pkai password yg lame tu je la snang (nnti aku kene check balik if i’m gonna do it).

      anyway,
      smtimes it’s hard when pple don’t understand

      but at least when you understand it you can start with what you are capable of doing first
      maybe it takes time

      m’mang la rase mcm rugi sbb kita tak dpt condition yg kita inginkan
      but in the course of a lifetime, does it matter?

      smtimes pple have their reasons when they annoy you
      smtimes they don’t have any, they just do it bcause they can
      i think the former is btter than the latter, because at least you are not the fresh meat that is intentionally butchered for some starving carnivores.

      everything will probably make sense one day

      but until then, it’s another obstacle on your way to get “there”

      kdg2 aku pun rase bengang

      tapi at the same time just bersyukur

      sbb kita diberi peluang utk dpt pengetahuan

      mudah2an nikmat yg kita dpt ni dpt mmbawa kbaikan kpd org lain

      Amin.

  • how i wish i can do that. i mean not thinking about marriage and stuff. it can be suffocating at times bila fikir yg once u are tied, u are. tak boleh gerak mana-mana.

    mana nak cari husband best? hahahahaha (ok, maybe i should define best dulu. oh shoot.. nak define term rasa macam buat thesis.. ok merepek.)

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