it’s not the full moon yet but
i think i have to spew this here for now.
sbnrnyer, aku rse aku pun tak faham what’s wrong.
aku tahu kdg2 ader mse2nyer pple nak bersendiri, tapi takkan la perlu smpai ke tahap mcm tu kot.
i mean after a long time tak jumpe then bile suddenly show up jawab soalan org tapi pandang dinding/pasu/rak buku.
tak rase pelik ke?
dah la dah brape kali asyik sekadar biarkan je org lain yg make an effort dulu, samaada kau kenal atau tak kenal, slalu org lain yg kene step up dulu to make things cmfortable for you.
i don’t know if it’s the seniority thing
or if it’s the ‘this-is-the-way-i-am’ thing
ego pun ader tempat dan ketikanya
kdg2 tak perlu pun ego utk ketika tu
kalau la betul pun kita ada kelebihan b’bnding org lain
itu ke cara nyer utk kita step into society?
so that people know that they cannot layan you smbarangan ke?
so that they can treat you with extra care ke?
or is it so that they’ll make you feel special?
what’s with the misplaced pride?
have you given enough care to society the way that you seek that care from it?
have you given enough respect to society the way that you command respect from it?
kalau tak, then bukan ke kita semua same je?
same2 ahli msyrakat
kita bukan yg terutama teristimewa smpai perlu ditatang dibela dijaga smpai tak boleh tercuit sikit pun
smpai org kene go out of their way utk sdapkan hati awak tu sdgkan ntah2 hati org tak bawa apa2 makne pun utk hati awak yg seketul tu.
aku rase mcm suffocated
penat2 struggle with thngs pas tu kene berhadapan dgn org2 cam ni near me
even if you don’t care you tak pyh la nak abuse people punyer care
pas tu you filter la your words and actions
pas tu bleh tak jgn hempas brg bile emo.
and at least jawab la teguran mcm org melayu normal.
and jgn kemas ape2 yg bukan brg kau kalau akhirnyer kau rase tension
and jgn assume bahawa getting an education, having a job, and granted a PR in this country is everything
hidup tak semudah itu.
tapi, kalau dh syg sgt kat tempat ni then berbahagia la dgn khidupan kat sini, semoge you dpt lebih membahagiakan org2 skeliling bile you bahagia.
-i haven’t had a sandwich in days.
-my laundry bag is full with dirty laundry.
-i finished around 3000 words. but i still have a few thousand words more i have to write for my assgnments.
-i passed up 1 of my prvious assgnmnts early because i thought he said that there’ll be feedback before the final submission. and then it turns out that what i submitted was final.
-i have my final semester exam in a few weeks that i have to study for but i couldn’t start yet because my assgnments are too huge and still not over.
-lots of people have finished classes but i still have them. and then i’m supposed to have 1 next week but it’s like a course revision and i haven’t (couldn’t) even revise yet.
-i have to figure out some financial matters because i’m not sure if i’ll receive money on time from that corporation. (and of course. my dad can’t save me).
-my old univrsty colleagues are either already working, OR quite happy, OR already working AND quite happy.
-i don’t even really know what happiness is.
-some friends of mine have gotten married/are marrying throughout this year (and i’ll probably miss all the weddings for the entire year).
-and other people are going back for the holidays.
so sile faham pressure aku and pull yourself together.
don’t make me become who i was when i was 19.