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All posts for the month June, 2011

ada apa dalam hati

Published June 29, 2011 by crystalights

 

insyaAllah mlm esok ktorg akn bertolak ke adelaide

for the isma sistrs’ winter trip, 3 hri 4 mlm.

 

aku agak nervous.

tk tahu knape.

maybe aku m’mng slalu rse mcm tu kot bile travel ngn kwn2 baru and people who are not part of my family

or maybe aku m’mng slalu rse mcm tu bile travel di tempat baru and places that are not where i’m familiar with.

maybe it’s like what i said before; about being a snail and carrying my home with me.

 

but i have to start somewhere, kan.

kalau tak biase pun, jst try b’fikir nk timba pengjaran & pengalaman, berukhwah, and also nk mengenali ciptaan2Nya.

semoge dipermudahkn perjlnan kita esok.

 

anyway,

these few days, aku attend gathering, talk, and usrah

and i feel like my heart is telling me

that it’s not really allright to only depend on the thngs that i’m attending.

i have to do more than what i’ve done

have to berusaha lg.

 

m’mng bgusla ader aktiviti or event2 yg mcm tu yg boleh dihadiri

tapi dlm diri aku sendiri

dlm hati aku

ckup ke kalau aku tak try to break out of my shell

to step out and step towards ape yg tuhan syg.

bile msenyer aku nk berusaha utk syg ape yg Dia syg lbih dari ape yg aku syg skrg?

utk aku keluar dari kebiasaan aku

tinggalkn rase takut aku. 

 

aku rase

aku la org yg dh diberi mcm2

tapi belum jgk aku betul2 bergerak ke jln yg satu.

tapi Dia masih jugak bagi pada aku ruang dan waktu, pilihan dan kesempatan.

Dia masih beri pada aku pengajaran-Nya dan limpah kurnia utk aku berfikir

kdg2 aku rase aku sgt meminta2

sgt mengharapkan yg terbaik sdgkan aper yg aku give back is not yg terbaik.

 

kalau nak dibandingkan dgn aper yg aku dpt,

aper je yg aku dh sumbangkan?

aper yg aku buat yg selain dari utk diri aku sendiri?

 

i’ve always lived being selfish and sometimes to the extent of being ruthless.

 

kalau nk diikutkan, aku tak layak pun utk dpt mcm2 because i’m not worth it.

 

t’rase mcm baru tersingkap satu tabir dari hati ni

masa pun berlalu dan aku diajarkn sesuatu dari semue ni.

keberadaan aku kt sini,

walau apa2 pun yg tuhan jadikan, bukanlah dgn sia2.

 

aku kene faham dan terima hakikat.

 

no matter what, Dia selalu ada. Dia tetap ada.

 

and no matter what, i only have what i have dgn izin dari-Nya.

kalau hidup aku sempurna, hidup sempurna tu bukan kerana aku, hidup sempurna tu kerana Dia.

kalau aku tahu sesuatu skarang yg aku tak tahu sedekad yg lepas, bukan aku mengetahui kerana aku, aku mengetahui kerana Dia.

spnjng aku dlm tempoh pengajian kt sini, aku rase sgt ader byk benda yg aku sndiri rase tak percaye aku dpt lakukan dan tempuhi

sbb aku tahu aku bukan berkeupayaan istimewa.

segale ilmu dan pengetahuan, segale nikmat dan kurniaan, semue dtg dari Dia.

Dia yg beri ilham ketika diperlukan, yg beri kekuatan ketika tak berupaya, yg beri semangat ketika keletihan, yg redakan hati bila kesedihan

yg beri segala2nya yg aku ada, dan yg berupaya mengadakan segala yg tiada dan mentiadakan segala yg ada

semua tu tak susah pun bagi Dia.

 

kalau tak kerana Dia, aku takkan mampu lalui semua yg aku telah dan sdg lalui kt sini

 

dan utk itu s’tinggi2 syukur

 

alhamdulillah

 

dan sebanyaknya istighfar

 

astaghfirullah.

 

aku harapkan bila smpai masenye aku kembali to return to my homeland

i hope that i can still reach out kpd Dia.

 

semoge kita semua terpelihara oleh-Nya,

 

Amiin.

 

dlm hati aku ada benih kecil yg belum pun betul2 bercambah.

semoga Dia permudahkan benih kecil ni mnjadi pokok yg teguh dan meneduhkan,

 

Amiin.

 

“Dan Dialah yang telah menciptakan bagimu pendengaran, penglihatan dan hati nurani, tetapi sedikit sekali kamu bersyukur.

Dan Dialah yang menciptakan dan mengembangbiakkan kamu di bumi dan kepada-Nyalah kamu akan dikumpulkan.

Dan Dialah yang menghidupkan dan mematikan, dan Dialah yang (mengatur) pergantian malam dan siang. Tidakkah kamu mengerti?”

Ayat 78-80, Surah Al-Mu’minun.

 

 

press play: questions in 24 hrs.

Published June 28, 2011 by crystalights

 

“how’s your university (hal) dh settle?”

 

“cuti ni you nk duduk rmh je ke, ta nk keje?”

 

“you tak facebook hari2 eh?”

 

“you tak pernah ader relationship?”

 

“what do you look for in a man?”

 

“korang still keep contact (with) each other?”

to think along.

Published June 28, 2011 by crystalights

 

okay.

 

skrg dh dpt balasan email.

 

and then bile dibalas pulak oleh pihak university kpd my student loan sponsor,

aku dpt 1 cc.

 

rupe2nyer, university aku dh bgtau dh pihak stdnt loan sponsor aku tu psl hal ni awal2 lg bfore surat tuntutan dari university tu smpai pd aku.

mksudnyer, ptutnyer pihak student loan sponsor aku tu ptutnyer dh tahu dulu la wht the hell is happening evn bfore aku tahu wht the hell is happening.

 

so bukn ke patutnyer, org yg tahu dulu tu bersedia dulu?

to find out and slesaikan dulu.

to take action dulu.

bukan smpai org dh complain dh buat mcm2 baru la nk reply that you will solve things out.

 

so far the university’s response has been very efficient.

through one email, the names of the people responsible for decisions relating to the sponsored students under the university was revealed.

including the name of the person who released the statement that started this whole fiasco.

 

and also,

16 org yg dpt statement tu t’msuk aku la.

so means ader lg 15 org kan?

so it so happens that i met some of them last night through an event.

 

and from their reactions, i realized something about myself and my reactions.

 

i realized that what makes my differences evn more clear 

was the fact that no one that i met that night who received statements similar to mine reacted the way i did.

 

there was 1 who thought that she just has to pay up the amount, she didn’t evn realize that she wasn’t given that amount to pay in the 1st place.

another 1 thought that it was just another mistake like the one that happened previously, that it was a mistake caused by the university, even though what happened previously (to her) was actually something different than this one, because, not having your name on the OHC list is not the same with the uni telling you that your sponsor already paid the OHC amount directly to you when they actually haven’t.

there was 1 who received statements, felt something was wrong, but didn’t do anything about it.

when i asked, all 3 of them haven’t even called or did anything yet in response to whatever that has happened.

 

aku sorang je ke yg mcm ni?

 

aku tak gile kan?

 

kenape eh?

 

dlm byk hal sbnrnye ade msenyer aku rase aku b’sendiri

bukan sbb org tinggalkan aku,

tapi sbb aku tak rase ader s’sape yg melengkapi fikiran dan reaksi aku

yg complement my thoughts and reactions.

 

kirenyer, bile aku berfikir psl something atau react to something

aku slalu rase mcm takde org yg fikir atau react dgn cara yg  melengkapi dan memenuhi apa2 yg aku tak fikir atau react with, apa2 kekurangan aku, atau apa2 keterlebihan aku.

kirenyer, kalau aku fikir A, B, and D,

aku slalu rase mcm takde org yg fikir C utk aku.

aku dh biase hidup kene cari jawapan sendiri.

A, B, C, D.

aku, aku, aku, aku.

 

mcmane la aku tak end up like this

i’ve always felt like no one can complete my thoughts.

i’ve always felt like what i want is someone who can think with me, as well as think for me.

(and i feel like i would think for them too).

 

so there.

 

after i got those emails

i think i’ll just have to let people who are paid to do their job to actually do their job.

 

and that is all.

 

 

 

unfathomable.

Published June 27, 2011 by crystalights

 

so today i went to the uni, handed in my letter and statemnts, explained my case.

 

and the outcome was that

they didn’t accept it.

all of it.

 

dorg pulangkn balik sume surat and statemnt aku.

 

suruh aku contact my sponsor.

 

they want an official letter from my student loan sponsor (M).

 

i called the aussie branch of my student loan sponsor twice,

dua2 kali pun jwpn same je: hantar email.

aku dh hntr 3 email.

1 pun tak reply lg.

sblm tu aku dh hntr 2 email to the msian HQ of ths student loan sponsor,

1 pun tak reply lg.

bukan stakat tak reply, call pun takde.

 

i told my dad before, and he jst told me to call and inform them.

aku dh inform dh.

tapi takde org pun inform aku status hal ni skrg.

 

nak sruh aku buat aper lg?

aku ni bukan mintak sedekah.

aku mintak hak aku yg dh termaktub dlm perjanjian.

mcmane kau boleh release statement pd university saying that you have paid to me the OHC fees and that i should pay them to the univrsty, sdgkn kau tak pay pun the OHC fees to me?

mcmane kau boleh release statement yg kau sendiri pun tak tahu kebenarannya?

mcmane kau boleh biar aku yg kene jawab ngn university psl OHC fees dan diberi amaran oleh university tentang status pengajian aku sdgkan pembayaran OHC tu bawah tanggungjwab kau?

 

utk org2 dan pertubuhan mcm kau tu, perjanjian ni 1 mainan ke?

 

when i explained my case to the university, they said no.

they say that there are 16 students with the same statement from the same sponsor saying that they’re not paying.

aku tak tahu la maner pergi 16 org yg possibly samer situation ngn aku tu sbb td aku tkde plak jumpe anybdy else like me kt counter student srvices tu.

 

so when you think about it,

patutla dorg say no,

kalau dh 16 org dgn 16 statemnt dari pertubuhan yg sama bgtau benda yg sama,

then why would they believe me?

 

so skarang mcmane?

 

aku nak buat aper lg?

 

ader ke org yg bleh tlg settlekan hal ni?

 

kalau aku nk kene cekau duit mane2 utk gi byr dulu, then nk harapkn dorg ganti balik as in a reimbursement, then agak2 la, boleh dpt ke?

 

aku dtg sini pun student visa tak boleh claim, passport tak boleh claim, elaun buku takde, elaun peralatan takde

mcmane aku nk percaye OHC fees boleh claim?

 

duit tiket flight pun dier tak bagi pun kt aku, dier jgk yg hold the money and purchasekn tiket utk ke sini.

 

pendek kater aku memng dpt duit saraan ngn tiket je.

 

agak2 muke aku ni mcm byk duit ke?

 

aku jst anak kpd seorg lelaki yg bercita2 besar.

 

whatever it is

i’ll have to deal with this on my own.

on top of other things yg agak menyesakkan.

 

jawatan yg besar dtg dgn amanah yg besar.

tanggungjawabnyer sgt besar.

ye la, gaji pun besar, kan.

so isn’t it an obligation and part of the duties to ensure that the actions and decisions doesn’t affect the wellbeing of others,

that all statements that are not determined to be true does not impinge on the rights of others to fulfil what is rightfully theirs?

 

kalau ikut aussie punyer Law of Torts: “duty to care”, this is a case of negligence.

kalau ikut Islam, bukan ke ini dikire sbg “tidak meletakkan sesuatu itu ditempatnya”?

 

itula.

aku rase

kalau sume org stick to tanggungjawab masing2, then this world would be a better place.

 

’cause these words are my diary screaming out loud

Published June 26, 2011 by crystalights

ada byk benda aku nk ckp

tapi last2 tak jgk t’luahkan.

 

so boleh tak aku nk susun ikut nbr?

1. smbung blajar agak mencabar. smbung blajar luar negara lagi mencabar. tapi itu utk kategori org yg dletakkan dlm keadaan mcm aku ni. different cases may show different scenario. tak la semuenyer negative je, ader la hikmah2 nyer. bottom line is: i jst have to deal with it.

2. kalau org boleh sabar dgn aku, insyaAllah dier boleh faham aper point yg aku sbnrnye nk smpaikan. bottom line is: just believe that i do have a point when i wish to speak. kalau tak lebih baik aku diam.

3. aku boleh terima pendapat lain kalau ada sbb munasabah. tapi aku percaya stiap sesuatu pendapat tu sbnrnyer ada cara yg baik utk dsampaikn. bukan bermaksud pendapat tu salah bile penyampaiannyer salah, cume pendapat yg baik mgkin akn diterime dgn lebih baik bile penyampaiannyer lebih baik.

4. aku susah nk percaye org. aku tak suke mintak tlg org yg aku tak percaye. aku tak suke mintak tlg org yg aku tak percaye sgt pun pas tu aku disruh buat smthng else on my own. bleh buat aku lg rase mcm: memang patut pun aku tak percaye org tu.

5. i have friends although not all of them really know me or whatever i have become. i don’t blame them or anythng, i guess perhaps there might come a day when i wouldn’t know them and what they’ve become too. so sbg seorg manusia aku nak biasekn diri utk terime sifat manusia lain. kiter semue hanyalah hamba-Nya.

6. bile aku risau atau devastated, usually it’s because of something that is very important to me. so aku try nk balancekan what is important to me. but what is important to me may not be as important to everyone else. and what is not important to me might actually be more important. so i have to learn more and prepare myself more so that i know what is more important, not only to me or everyone else, but really important than all the things that i’ve ever regarded as important in my entire life.

7. aku suke nbr 7. sbb dier ganjil. sbb dier susah nk dipasang2kan. sbb dier adalah bulan aku dilahirkan. sbb dier ada dlm ciptaan2-Nya. sbb dier tak byk dan tak sikit. sbb dier tak besar dan tak kecik. sbb dlm skala 10 dier bukan gagal dan bukan jugak cemerlang.

aku rase aku tahu aper yg aku perlukan.

tapi aku tak tahu kalau aku boleh dpt ke tak.

 

 

anyway, 

today i quit my job.

received my payment.

 

aku harap aku dpt jumpe jalan yg diredhai tuhan.

 

aku harap aku dpt tenang walaupun ada wktu2 aku berduka cita.

 

aku harap aku dpt jalani hidup yg aman.

 

and i want to curl and cry but i’ve held it back for a while now i’m not sure if i’m capable of that now

semoge aku tak jauh dari tuhanku.

 

dan perasaan aku tak penting.

yg penting is if i have ever allowed my feelings to take over my rationality.

 

 

no luxury

Published June 24, 2011 by crystalights

 

aku dh forward email tu kt pihak2 yg aku rase b’kaitan.

ayah suruh aku call office M on monday.

aku rase aku nk buat surat penjelasan aku and also bwk financial statemnt aku and then argue my case kt university jgk kot (insyaAllah).

 

aku tgh buat keje skrg ni, byk jugakla.

 

aku rase mcm nak nangis pun ader.

 

aku just penat.

 

aku nk curl in bed and cry and then sleep,

 

tapi i still have a lot to do.

 

lgpun esok aku nk attend talk tu jgk, sbb mencari ilmu tu part of tugas kita sbg insan kan.

 

aku tak boleh nak ikut perasaan je all the time, tak boleh la selfish sgt kan

 

walaupun aku rase hiba mcm nk berderai airmate bile fikir psl things and also psl people

 

i mean,

aku tahu la keje yg aku buat ni cam agak twisted

tapi kakak usrah aku ckp asalkn niat hati kita nk tolong, insyaAllah boleh.

so nape pulak react cam tu?

maybe sbb bfore that pun kiter m’mang tgh ader some kind of “issue” btween us kot.

mungkin keadaan kita pun dh sedia keruh

pas tu bile hal kecik2 yg lain jadi, makin b’tambah la yg keruh tu.

 

okay aku confess.

aku ambik upah buatkan assignment org.

is that so hideously incorrigibly unacceptable?

i mean, dorg bukan student yg same course ngn aku pun,

dorg dh nak grad dah, ape salahnyer aku tolong?

aku pun dpt blajar somethng bile buatkn assignmnt utk org, or at least dpt berfikir something yg diluar bidang course yg aku study kt uni skrg.

it’s a mental, physical challenge.

lgpun dorg org Islam yg need help sbb dorg part time study, part time kerja.

siang study, mlm kerja, bile lg nk dpt settlekan assignment?

 

aku tahu la kau cari kerja pun bukan kerja biase2 yg mcm aku cari

you seemed to stick with your bidang, like those preppy, blue-collared jobs that you’ve done bfore

well i’m not in a position to choose

i don’t have that luxury that you have

bapak aku bukan businessman yg tanggung pengajian aku

keupayaan aku pun tak la hebat sgt

jadi biarla aku buat aper yg aku rase terdaya nk buat

 

i have a lot to think about

bile kau react mcm tu, aku rase hati aku bertambah sempit

aku rase mcm sgt perit nk lepas dari aper yg aku tanggung ni.

 

is it right to react in that manner to me?

 

aku rase ckup serabut

tak pyhla kau tmbhkn sesak hati aku.

 

 

mslh aku

Published June 24, 2011 by crystalights

 

hari ini aku dpt surat dari University.

uni tuntut bayaran insurance premium (OHC) dari aku.

 

menurut Financial Statement dari pihak M kpd aku (bertarikh 20 October 2010), petikan:
“Under this sponsorship, we accept full responsibility for his/her financial obligation to cover the tuition, examination, health insurance premium and other relevant fees.”

 

tapi according to the surat dari University yg baru aku receive tadi, the uni says that: 
“We received a written advice from M that they paid the cost of your Overseas Health Cover directly to you and therefore, you are responsible for the payment of your Overseas Health Cover cost directly to the University”.

 

sebelum dan sepanjang aku menjalani pengajian kt sini, aku hanya diberi wang sara diri utk tempoh 6 bulan beserta e-tiket utk penerbangan aku ke melbourne. rekod transaksi akaun di malaysia dan di australia both tidak menunjukkan bukti bahawa aku telah dibayar oleh M “the cost of Overseas Health Cover” mcmane yg dinyatakan dlm surat tu.

 

fees tu $490. lmbt bayar ada penalty tambahan $100 lg.

 

pihak university mintak aku settlekan bayaran secepat mungkin dgn amaran:
“..a person who has not paid all fees or charges owing by the person to the University shall not be entitled to enrol; receive any results of assessment; graduate; receive a diploma in the University; or receive a certificate of academic record“; (University of Melbourne’s Statute #10.1.14).

 

the consequences of this could be: gugur taraf sbg pelajar utk teruskan pengajian kt sini.

 

so maybe i don’t understand why this is happening

 

mungkin ni ujian tuhan.

 

aku dh bgtau ayah, hopefully dia boleh tlg tanye pd pihak M mcmane nk solve this, sbb universiti aku kata dlm surat tu, aku kene slesaikn hal ni dgn pihak sponsor, M.

 

kalau tuhan dh tentukan aku dpt lengkapkan pengajian smpai habis then itulah yg akan jadi,

tapi kalau tuhan tentukan yg sebaliknya, then itula yg akn berlaku jugak kan.

 

sedih tu tak pyh ckp la,

bygkn dh susah pyh 1 sem tibe2 dpt warning dari universiti psl sekatan enrolment n receiving academic cert semata2 sbb issue byrn yg tak selesai.

 

rase mcm

benda yg kau syg nk ditarik dari kau

 

tapi kau tahu kehendak tuhan tu mutlak

jadi berserah pd Dia

 

biar Dia yg tentukan semua.

 

(i hope dad can enquire for me about this in a calm and rational manner).

 

skrg cume tuhan je yg boleh tlg aku.

 

selesaikanlah urusanku

 

Amiin.