dear nana (2.6.2011)

Published June 2, 2011 by crystalights

dear nana,

 

i’ve just finished my final assgnment (for the semester).

esok tinggal nak binding je kot dulu.

tomorrow is my submission, insyaAllah.

pas tu boleh la start study utk exam pulak.

.

aku rase tak fair kalau org tu suruh kiter achieve all the best things in life tapi dier tak provide pun what we need.

aku try nak ckupkan aper yg kurang, tapi kdg2 aku rase kan bagus kalau org tu pun berusaha utk cukupkan aper yg tak cukup.

kdg2 terdetik dlm hati nak persoalkan sume tapi bile fikir2 balik tak baik persoalkan rentetan kejadian hidup ni

setiap org ada bhgn masing2

bhgn rezeki masing2,

bhgn ujian & dugaan masing2.

.

wlaupun aku rase penat

aku tak boleh stop.

kalau aku tak dpt merase hidup dibimbing seorg khalifah seumur hidup ni

utk tunaikan tanggungjawabnya sbg imam

then aku la yg perlu jadi khalifah tu

aku kene ada cita2 dan misi biarlah sgt besar dan berat pun

yg penting aku dpt puaskan hati sendiri drpd terus mengharapkan manusia lain utk memenuhi pengharapan aku.

mcmane la kiter ni tak twisted and cynical

kiter ni ibarat batu yg dh bermusim2 di kuis angin & iklim

lame2 jadi butiran2 kerikil yg menyakitkan

siape suruh biarkan kita mcm ni?

bila kita jadi siapa diri kita sekarang, wajar ke kita dipersalahkan?

kita tak dpt pun apa yg kita perlukan

kenape kita mesti jadi apa yg org lain perlukan?

kenape kita mesti penuhi harapan org lain?

.

aku istilahkan “org lain” sbb org yg lain sgt lain pendekatannya dgn kita

sbb org lain tak get what we’re going through

to spend every day thinking about how to get your life on the right track when the track that you’ve been pushed into your entire life is the track to nowhere

like when your entire life is ripped apart,

and it’s still ripping apart, just bursting at the seams

and you journeyed some thousand miles just to end up back to square one

i want to work hard but i want him to work hard too

i don’t think it’s right to just wait for a miracle to happen

to just wait for a happy ending

i don’t think it’s allright to just sit back and hope that things will turn around for the better-

life’s not like that.

no one can save you like that

no one can save us

no one can take this gut-wrenching pain away

that’s why i don’t like to lay my heart upon another soul

because i don’t think anyone deserves that kind of surrender

because i don’t think anyone can pay for all of my pain

for all of the things that i resent but had to endure

who can pay me back for the things that i had to let go of?

who can return to me all that i’ve lost?

no one was there all these while

no one is here now

so why would anyone be there when no one was there for so long?

even if they’re there, would they understand?

would they accept the fact that we’ve already been left to weather the storm for so long that they can’t change what we’ve become

because this is just how we are

.

dah lame aku sedih

tapi aku yg tanggung sendiri

aku yg pakse diri sendiri utk tunaikan aper yg dirasakn perlu

tapi apa2 pun yg aku buat tak memadamkan kesedihan aku.

but still, i have to do what i have to do

so,

adil ke utk aku bile aku sendiri ketepikan kesedihan aku utk misi aku tapi org lain yg tak berkesedihan tak ketepikan apa2 pun utk apa2 misi pun.

akhirnya, kesudahan yg mcmane yg aku boleh harapkan?

.

siape yg boleh bayar balik semua rasa yg aku rasa?

.

ader smthng happened kat area uni aku

takut tu tak pyh ckp la, memang la rasa tak selamat

tapi aku still redah jugak balik malam2 sbb aku tahu aku ader tugas yg perlu diselesaikan

aku tahu keadaan tak slamat utk balik lewat mcm ni

tapi aku masih ada tanggungjawab yg aku perlu tunaikan

rasa takut aku tak menghapuskan tanggungjawab aku

rasa takut aku tak boleh jadi alasan utk aku ketepikan apa yg aku perlu buat

.

semua yg aku rasa ni

siape je yg tahu dan faham?

cuma tuhan je yg tahu apa yg ada dlm hati aku

setiap kali aku t’rase sesak sgt kt dlm

setiap kali aku rase terhimpit sgt dlm hati ni

setiap kali aku get hurt because of other people

cuma Dia la yg tahu semua

not some random person who think they know me but could never really figure me out.

.

aku boleh je cerite mcm2 psl life aku

tapi cerite aku tak sempurna

sbb takde yg sempurna pun psl life aku

so terime je la

hidup mcm ni, inilah hakikat.

inilah kenyataannya

.

dear nana,

 

jgn dengar apa org lain ckp

kalau percakapan org lain tu tak layak didengar.

jgn terima semua yg org bidaskan

kalau hujah tak selari dgn tindakan.

jgn percaye bahawa ada seseorg

yg akan dtg utk selamatkan kita dari semua yg kita rasa

.

dear nana,

 

you can just block out all the empty words and harsh commands

because those words don’t come from someone who knows what it’s like

to bleed without wounds

and weep without tears

.

i’ll stop now

but i guess these words will keep on writing itself some day

because it just does.

.

(2.6.2011)

-me-

One comment on “dear nana (2.6.2011)

  • remember that song..
    lewat radio
    aku sampaikan kerinduan yang lama terpendam
    terus mencari biar musim berganti.
    jika hingga nanti ku tak bisa menemukan hatinya lagi

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