i have things that i relatively stick to regardless of the situation
it’s like my “ecological niche”.
so the other day i lost my phone
and then i got it back from the “lost & found” section of the library
(if you can call that a section. it’s more like a drawer. with things).
so the thing with me is that i have this constant need to hold on to what i have.
it means that i cannot tolerate losing things (or anything else, for that matter).
if i lose something, i usually do everything within my power to get it back.
and i cannot tolerate unkempt things (most of the time).
it’s like a compulsion.
everything has to be where they should be.
no socks on the bedroom floor. no wet slippers indoor. keys in the polka-dot purse. bank card in the teddy bear purse. foreign cash in the first compartment. msian cash in the second compartment.
no overnight soaking of pots and pans. must not forget to wash cutleries when washing dishes.
must wash hands before touching food. if i touch anything else before i touch food after washing my hands, then i have to wash my hands again.
and after i wash my hands i wash the tap so that i feel like i’m not touching filth when i turn off the tap.
that is the case, most of the time.
so today, when i got off the tram and arrived at the uni
i realized that: nope. no handphone in my pocket.
i was shocked.
but then i thought that “maybe it’s at home” (because that has happened before).
so i carried on at the library.
i told someone to pass the msg to the ones who’ll be delivering my nasi in the evening (because i don’t have my phone with me).
pas tu i had to wait in the cold for like 40 minutes because we can’t contact each other. i just have to show up hoping that the person would show up where i’m showing up at the same time that i’m showing up.
and then i kept on thinking that maybe i didn’t leave my phone at home.
maybe i lost it in the tram.
so of course la the whole day i feel a bit uneasy.
not just psl my handphone, but also because of some other things. (malas nak hurai).
reflecting on the past few weeks,
i feel strangely tired and sad.
it’s like i didn’t really get a temporary pit stop.
everything’s still racing forward and i’m forcing myself to keep up with the pace.
aku sedih bukan sbb tak siap assignment
tapi sbb assignment tak dpt siap lebih awal.
kalau due time dier malam, aku nak dier siap pagi.
kalau due date dier jumaat, aku nak dier siap khamis. atau rabu. atau ahad sebelumnya.
aku nak mcm tu.
kalau tak dpt mcm tu aku rase mcm gagal.
sbb aku nak berada dlm keadaan dimana aku berupaya utk buat assignment dlm tahap yg aku rase memadai tapi nak dlm tempoh lebih singkat dari apa yg ditetapkan supaye sblm smpai waktunya, aku dh pun rase mcm: “okay. i think this is it”. smpai the point where aku boleh “final-read” assignment tu a few times gitu before aku pass up (awal), then aku bernafas kjap pas tu smbung buat keje lain pulak.
sbb keje aku bukan 1 je.
ader multiple things going on at the same time.
i want to feel like i have them in control.
yes, when i started feeling like i’ve lost my phone
of course la terase mcm nak balik rumah cpt2 nak check betul tak handphone tu ader dlm bilik (bukan tercicir).
but i forced myself to at least stay back for a while sbb ader few things that i have to study
kalau balik rumah takut terase tak tenang pulak (for some reason)
tak nak la smpai affect my studying
so bygkan la
pendam2 perasaan smbil study for the exam
dpt pulak slide yg agak berbahasa
pas tu aku cam tak sure sgt wht the term means
aku pun gi aa tanyer librarian kat situ
then dier mcm explain sikit, tapi dier tanyer aku dpt dari buku ke?
pas tu aku ckp: “it’s from my lecture slides”
then she kinda said: “do u have it with you?”
pas tu aku tunjuk la slide tu kat pc meja aku.
and she was like: (after staring at my pc screen) “Wow. i have no idea what that means.”
and i was like: “it’s dynamic programming.”
and she was like trying to explain it in a language kind of view.
and i was like: “yeah..i think that is what it means. because if that is what it means then the (whole) theory makes sense. but if it doesn’t then i have to study the whole thing again.”
and she was like reinstating her point and then she said: “good luck with that.”
and then i continued.
i wasn’t feeling fine. but i was just content that at least i finished the DP part.
it was like a supressant drug.
like you know things aren’t fine and you’re not fine
but you just had to put your mind into something else that isn’t related to what you’re feeling
which is perhaps some stochastic theory for optimal policy or something. like that.
(that’s what “dynamic programming” is. it has nothing to do with programmers).
i went home.
checked for my phone (and found it).
then rase relieved.
but still kinda sad and tired.
(don’t know why).
mane boleh aku rase mcm ni
umur aku tak membenarkannya
aku still kene bersemangat dan berusaha
aku mesti try. harder.