mari kita mula post dgn bertenang (sikit).
hari selase was my last paper.
it was one of my science elective.
i think science is allright because it helps provide a platform for explaining the way things work,
but it isn’t the absolute way for everything to work.
it isn’t perfect.
but that is perhaps another matter to be discussed in another time.
so i walked out of the exam room.
and i felt like i just stepped out of a long dark tunnel.
somehow the world looks different than when your attention was too absorbed by one thing and one long target
it’s different when you’re carrying it upon your shoulders on your own.
some of the trees have almost completely lost their leaves,
and some were still falling albeit slowly.
winter is beginning.
the colours seemed to be dimmer.
so i went home and did my weeks’ worth of laundry (yg dh menggunung tu)
and yesterday i went out with my friend and her friends
i came along because i wanted to go along with them to the beach at st. kilda but after docklands i don’t feel like tagging along for the st. kilda journey.
so when we stopped at the city i went back on my own.
(and found something i could use for the winter).
why did i go back?
i just felt a little uneasy.
aku tak salahkan sape2 pun, just ada benda yg aku rasa aku nak hold on to because it’s something i believe in
aku tahu keperluan bermasyarakat tu dan aku berusaha nak blend in tapi ada benda yg aku rasa tak berapa sesuai utk dikompromikan
mcmane kita berusaha nak cari starbucks utk minum atau tempat mkn paling berkenan di hati utk santapan physical kita, mcm tu jugakla kewajipan kita pada tujuan penciptaan kita, kan.
mungkin analogi mkn minum ni tak boleh pakai sbb aku tak layan starbucks and aku tak suke coffee.
my point is that aku tak comfortable nak duduk2 dan lepak2 kat city sambil mkn2 and minum coffee bila aku tahu kewajipan aku belum tertunai lagi.
walaupun waktu tu masih ada masa lg, tapi aku tak confident that it’ll be allright.
bukannya pintu tram tu pintu doraemon, bukak2 langkah masuk je dah smpai destinasi.
itu pintu tram maksudnyer kene duduk dlm tram tnggu traffic awal petang dgn org ramai yg berserakan dgn beberape stop dier nak pass by pas tu bile trun kat stop yg dituju pun you still have to walk dlm 10 mins baru la smpai lokasi tu.
maybe it’s my fault that i’m not always conveying my point clearly
with me it’s easy for people to misunderstand.
so aku pun tak yakin bahawa aku akan dpt ckp dgn sebaik2nya apa yg aku fikirkan
jadi aku rase lebih baik aku leave first.
tomorrow insyaAllah nak pergi Chadstone with my homies and her friends.
and maybe kene kluar awal sbb nak teman a friend beli winter coat.
smthng happened this morning and i end up spending what was left of my morning cleaning up pieces of broken glass
fixing someone’s bleeding hands
getting the carpet to dry
rescuing a dying fish
cleaning the blood from the toilet sink
removing glass particles from my kain batik
drying up my laptop adapter
i sent my resume for a part time job,
i don’t know how that will turn out
let’s just hope for the best.
aku baru je habis satu konfrontasi
tibe2 rase penat pulak.
pasal gambar dan facebook
(and the reasons why i don’t have a facebook)
aku tak sangka la pulak
ada misunderstanding kat situ
i didn’t mean it like the way that she thought i meant it
kenapa dia fikir mcm tu?
maybe sbb we were talking about smthng entirely different at the same time
or sbb aku randomly tukar topic cpt sgt smpai org slh faham point aku
atau aku yg tak boleh put it in the best way possible for people to understand
kenapa org slalu misunderstand aku?
is this a sign for me to go back inside my shell (and stay there)?
tapi kalau mcm tu kan lg senang utk org salah faham?
aku rase penat sgt
aku bukan ckp kita tak boleh facebook sbb issue gambar,
aku just ckp psl issue gambar tu sendiri waktu dia tgh b’ckp psl facebook.
reason sbnr aku tak facebook (stakat ni) takde kaitan pun dgn semue tu
aku tak explain pun exactly why i don’t facebook
so kenapa jadi issue kalau perkara tu tak penting, kan?
kenapa perlu terjadinya cerita yg berpanjangan smpai byk kali bile topic tu timbul raut wajah pun berubah, nada suara pun keras, mcm simpan rasa tak puas hati yg sgt mendalam
aku pun tak tahu kenape aku slalu jadi the one yg shut down
maybe sbb aku malas nak invest my energy and time utk prove something yg aku rase tak worth it
tpi tak sangke pulak lame2 boleh berlarutan
kdg2 kita nak jaga ukhwah
tapi ada byk benda2 kecik yg akhirnya jadi duri2 yg merosakkan
sbb tu aku slalu try utk fikir betul2 apa2 yg aku decide nak ckp
and also fikir betul2 apa2 yg org ckp pd aku
because sometimes it is not that there is no sign,
it’s just that we fail to see the signs
we fail to read it and understand it
and then things can just fall apart
sume tu aku dh pnah rasa
so aku susah utk hanya terima something only at face value
because it is insufficient for me to feel at ease
knowing that something might be wrong and i might not see it,
itu sesuatu yg aku sgt tak suka.
so mcmane pun people criticize me for being too “detailed”
it is actually just a way for me to protect myself from foolish mistakes that haunt me for a lifetime
sbb aku tak cukup “detailed” la aku end up in despair
sbb aku fikir everything’s fine, even when it isn’t.
so i have learned to be mindful of the things around me
to not let my guard down
to read between the lines
that is important for me
because i have to feel like i am able to observe and predict people
before they do anything that affects me.
everyday is a battlefield,
anyone can hurt you.
i have been so terribly unarmed before
i welcomed and then i hurt because i actually believed
so now that i’m trying to go back and blend into people and surroundings
i still have some sort of automatic self-protection mode that makes me think about the things that people do around me
i liked figuring people out.
i like having a choice between telling them exactly what they feel but weren’t able to voice out and watch their reactions reveal it all,
or not telling or explaining to them anything even when i know what they’re thinking or feeling at the time just because of what i think would be better for them (or for me).
when you’re able to decipher people
you somehow get to make adaptive decisions that can help you fit the solution to the situation
it’s not perfect but it’s almost like the next best thing
so memang i have a lot to think about pun,
aku tak byk masa nak care psl most thngs that people seemed to care about
mgkin sbb what i care about isn’t something that people can really help me with.
aku put in effort when something means something to me
so aku rase penat bile terpaksa deal with something yg aku rase tak penting pun
aku pun tak nak jadi org yg cepat penat tapi
bukan senang utk aku jadi tak penat bile i keep getting back at square one
kdg2 terase mcm sumenyer memenatkan
give me a reason to
fight this feeling
that there’s nothing there for me
if my heart is the ocean
it’s a dark storm now