penat

Published June 16, 2011 by crystalights

okayla.

mari kita mula post dgn bertenang (sikit).

 

hari selase was my last paper.

it was one of my science elective.

i think science is allright because it helps provide a platform for explaining the way things work,

but it isn’t the absolute way for everything to work.

it isn’t perfect.

 

but that is perhaps another matter to be discussed in another time.

 

so i walked out of the exam room.

and i felt like i just stepped out of a long dark tunnel.

somehow the world looks different than when your attention was too absorbed by one thing and one long target

it’s different when you’re carrying it upon your shoulders on your own.

 

some of the trees have almost completely lost their leaves,

and some were still falling albeit slowly.

winter is beginning.

the colours seemed to be dimmer.

 

so i went home and did my weeks’ worth of laundry (yg dh menggunung tu)

 

and yesterday i went out with my friend and her friends

 

to docklands.

 

i came along because i wanted to go along with them to the beach at st. kilda but after docklands i don’t feel like tagging along for the st. kilda journey.

 

so when we stopped at the city i went back on my own.

 

(and found something i could use for the winter).

 

why did i go back?

 

hmm.

 

i just felt a little uneasy.

 

aku tak salahkan sape2 pun, just ada benda yg aku rasa aku nak hold on to because it’s something i believe in

 

aku tahu keperluan bermasyarakat tu dan aku berusaha nak blend in tapi ada benda yg aku rasa tak berapa sesuai utk dikompromikan

 

bagi aku,

mcmane kita berusaha nak cari starbucks utk minum atau tempat mkn paling berkenan di hati utk santapan physical kita, mcm tu jugakla kewajipan kita pada tujuan penciptaan kita, kan.

okayla.

mungkin analogi mkn minum ni tak boleh pakai sbb aku tak layan starbucks and aku tak suke coffee.

 

but still,

my point is that aku tak comfortable nak duduk2 dan lepak2 kat city sambil mkn2 and minum coffee bila aku tahu kewajipan aku belum tertunai lagi.

 

walaupun waktu tu masih ada masa lg, tapi aku tak confident that it’ll be allright.

 

bukannya pintu tram tu pintu doraemon, bukak2 langkah masuk je dah smpai destinasi.

itu pintu tram maksudnyer kene duduk dlm tram tnggu traffic awal petang dgn org ramai yg berserakan dgn beberape stop dier nak pass by pas tu bile trun kat stop yg dituju pun you still have to walk dlm 10 mins baru la smpai lokasi tu.

 

maybe it’s my fault that i’m not always conveying my point clearly

 

with me it’s easy for people to misunderstand.

 

so aku pun tak yakin bahawa aku akan dpt ckp dgn sebaik2nya apa yg aku fikirkan

 

jadi aku rase lebih baik aku leave first.

 

anyway,

tomorrow insyaAllah nak pergi Chadstone with my homies and her friends.

and maybe kene kluar awal sbb nak teman a friend beli winter coat.

 

smthng happened this morning and i end up spending what was left of my morning cleaning up pieces of broken glass

fixing someone’s bleeding hands

getting the carpet to dry

rescuing a dying fish

cleaning the blood from the toilet sink

removing glass particles from my kain batik

drying up my laptop adapter

 

and also

i sent my resume for a part time job,

i don’t know how that will turn out

 

let’s just hope for the best.

 

aku baru je habis satu konfrontasi

tibe2 rase penat pulak.

 

pasal gambar dan facebook

(and the reasons why i don’t have a facebook)

aku tak sangka la pulak

ada misunderstanding kat situ

i didn’t mean it like the way that she thought i meant it

kenapa dia fikir mcm tu?

maybe sbb we were talking about smthng entirely different at the same time

or sbb aku randomly tukar topic cpt sgt smpai org slh faham point aku

atau aku yg tak boleh put it in the best way possible for people to understand

 

kenapa org slalu misunderstand aku?

 

is this a sign for me to go back inside my shell (and stay there)?

 

tapi kalau mcm tu kan lg senang utk org salah faham?

 

aku rase penat sgt

 

aku bukan ckp kita tak boleh facebook sbb issue gambar,

aku just ckp psl issue gambar tu sendiri waktu dia tgh b’ckp psl facebook.

reason sbnr aku tak facebook (stakat ni) takde kaitan pun dgn semue tu

aku tak explain pun exactly why i don’t facebook

so kenapa jadi issue kalau perkara tu tak penting, kan?

kenapa perlu terjadinya cerita yg berpanjangan smpai byk kali bile topic tu timbul raut wajah pun berubah, nada suara pun keras, mcm simpan rasa tak puas hati yg sgt mendalam

 

aku pun tak tahu kenape aku slalu jadi the one yg shut down

maybe sbb aku malas nak invest my energy and time utk prove something yg aku rase tak worth it

 

tpi tak sangke pulak lame2 boleh berlarutan

 

kdg2 kita nak jaga ukhwah

tapi ada byk benda2 kecik yg akhirnya jadi duri2 yg merosakkan

 

sbb tu aku slalu try utk fikir betul2 apa2 yg aku decide nak ckp

and also fikir betul2 apa2 yg org ckp pd aku

because sometimes it is not that there is no sign,

it’s just that we fail to see the signs

we fail to read it and understand it

and then things can just fall apart

 

sume tu aku dh pnah rasa

so aku susah utk hanya terima something only at face value

because it is insufficient for me to feel at ease

knowing that something might be wrong and i might not see it,

itu sesuatu yg aku sgt tak suka.

so mcmane pun people criticize me for being too “detailed”

it is actually just a way for me to protect myself from foolish mistakes that haunt me for a lifetime

 

dulu,

sbb aku tak cukup “detailed” la aku end up in despair

sbb aku fikir everything’s fine, even when it isn’t.

 

so i have learned to be mindful of the things around me

to not let my guard down

to read between the lines

 

that is important for me

because i have to feel like i am able to observe and predict people

before they do anything that affects me.

 

everyday is a battlefield,

anyone can hurt you.

 

i have been so terribly unarmed before

i welcomed and then i hurt because i actually believed

in people.

 

so now that i’m trying to go back and blend into people and surroundings

i still have some sort of automatic self-protection mode that makes me think about the things that people do around me

i liked figuring people out.

i like having a choice between telling them exactly what they feel but weren’t able to voice out and watch their reactions reveal it all,

or not telling or explaining to them anything even when i know what they’re thinking or feeling at the time just because of what i think would be better for them (or for me).

 

when you’re able to decipher people

you somehow get to make adaptive decisions that can help you fit the solution to the situation

it’s not perfect but it’s almost like the next best thing

 

.

 

so memang i have a lot to think about pun,

aku tak byk masa nak care psl most thngs that people seemed to care about

mgkin sbb what i care about isn’t something that people can really help me with.

 

so there

 

bagi aku

aku put in effort when something means something to me

so aku rase penat bile terpaksa deal with something yg aku rase tak penting pun

 

aku pun tak nak jadi org yg cepat penat tapi

bukan senang utk aku jadi tak penat bile i keep getting back at square one

 

kdg2 terase mcm sumenyer memenatkan

aku penat.

 

give me a reason to

fight this feeling

that there’s nothing there for me

 

if my heart is the ocean

it’s a dark storm now

 

.

 

5 comments on “penat

  • that’s exactly what i did to make myself feel ahead from others or to predict things..
    i read between lines a lot..and i decipher people a lot weyh.

    u know what that happens because i use to be carefree and something happen along the way, so i stop being so carefree.

    and then it was okay in the beginning when i start reading between lines,

    but then it becomes a compulsion, like every single thing aku buat aku read between lines..

    and now bende ni really troubling aku sebab aku da mingle around with people yg never mean anything in what they did tapi aku just tak bole stop because it hurt me to know the things that i thought by reading between lines in dorng punye action..

    it’s fulfilling in the beginning tapi in the end sometimes ko tak payah nak read pon..buat endah tak endah je, sebab in future u’ll be trouble weyh..

    mmg ar ko kene jage ukhwah tapi tak yah change how u do things kalaw bende tu akan menyusakan ko later..

    take it from the person yg da get troubled by reading between the lines.

  • lagi pon kan weyhh..

    kalaw kite pikir balek..konsep die ukhwah fisabillilah, ko berukhwah kerana Allah..

    aku slalu see that as, walau cmne annoyed pon aku ngn org tuh mksudnye aku kene try gak, because i’m not doing this for myself, i’m doing this for God.

    so aku rase ko kene sabar je la weyh..memang susa nk do something yg bkn untuk diri kau..aku mmg da rase ar spanjang short sem ni..

    hmm..tapi bile balek maybe aku takde laa saket ati sgt, sebab aku baik ngn org tu not because of her, because of God..

    jdi bile prangai cmtu aku rase tak bengang sgt ar..

    ko tak rase cmtuh ke.ko mmg bengang ar?

  • xpe ar weyh..

    ni kire ibadah la..sebab ko doing it for god..

    pahale kite bukan diukur dpd ibadah cmtu je, tapi diukur mcm mane susanye kite nak lakukan sesuatu ibadah tuh..

    lagi susa, lagi besar pahale..

  • i feel like i HAVE to read between the lines in order for me to be protected from profound damages that might be inflicted upon me from miscellaneous idiocy.

    aku rase

    aku kene live like this sbb aku tak berani nak let it be

    i want to know that i have at least some semblance of control.

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